MoD Telephone Operators

I've just about had it with these idiotic halfwits who man the MoD telephone directory/operator lines. They still (after 5 years of having the contract) know nothing about how the Forces work, they couldn't find the correct number if it was tattooed on their minimum waged a**e and generally are the most unhelpful shower of shite the world's ever seen.


Sorry, rant over.
Its a long story, but briefly I was trying to get a number in SULTAN, but was told there's no such ship. Yes there is, its in Gosport, I said - a shore establishment. Do you want the QM? No thank you, said I, the Wardroom Hall Porter. Well the only number we have is for SOVEREIGN's QM. No, not SOVEREIGN, SULTAN. There's no such ship, Sir.


OK, maybe its called something like the Defence College of Mechanical Engineering (I forget its new name). Oh yes we have that, said the Scouser, what did you want again? Wardroom please. How are you spelling his name? No no no, the Wardroom, its the officers mess. Oh why didn't you say so, putting you through now.


Good afternoon RAF Cosford Officers Mess, how can I help you? Sorry, I said, I was looking for HMS SULTAN. Is that a ship, Sir, this is an airbase. No, but .... it doesn't matter, thank you. So I retry MoD Operator.

Do you have any numbers for HMS SULTAN, I asked? The shore establishment, Sir? YES, thats the one. They're all civilian numbers. But I can't dial civilian numbers, I'm on a MoD line. Well I'm sorry Sir. That's OK, can I have the one for the Wardroom. No. Why not? Because we're not allowed to pass this number out - but we can put you through. But I only want the number, you see, I'm putting it on a letterhead. Sorry Sir, shall I put you through?

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh. OK then, put me through. (I'll ask them myself).


Hello MoD Operator? What!? I was looking for HMS SULTAN Wardroom. Sorry Sir, this is the MoD Operator - how can I help you?
Understand your frustration - I work in a gov building, and the central switchboard puts everyone through to the desk regardless of which department (dti/ho/dwp etc) they want.
The central s/b is in glasgow ........
Not so bad, but the 118 nos (inc BT) all do the same thing..


Does my head in just phoning any company and getting someone in Bangalore who cant understand my goerdie accent , and can I understand them , can I fxxk , I sit there seething with rage , progress my arse


War Hero
What I particularly have enjoyed over the years are the countless people who have been put through to registries & UPO's I've worked in by the operators to ask for re-direction. Add to this the number of times the operator has actually phoned me up to ask for telephone numbers.

Needless to say my requests for a percentage have always been ignored. I'm thinking Monkeys and Peanuts here folks.

I was trying to get a number within collingwood and was told that as there was not a number available she must have sailed !!!!
Chimps! I've shit 'em.
I'd jump out the friggin' window but I'm only on the 6th floor, might not die right away and end up in hospital being sponge bathed by... lovely...Thai...Nurses....white uniforms....high heels....
Working in a UPO we've always been treated as a telephone directory/information booth by the halfwits (standard reply - "Yes, I know the number you want, it's 192") but since the Dockyard Exchange was shut down there's been a sharp increase in the amount of confused and bewildered phone calls I get that begin with "oh, you're the UPO at where? But I asked for..."

I'm convinced that these clowns just pick the first number they see on their list and forward all calls to them. Say what you like about the old Dockyard Exchange, but they knew the numbers for every little shack and glory hole in Pompey Dockyard, no need to consult a book.


We will never win another war

Oh the joy of the dockyard runaround 20 phone calls later you are talking to the person you first started with and the Captain wants to know why you haven’t resolved the problem

Three years ago a mate and I were organising a major ceremonial event in central London We wanted to invite as many of the Navy’s top brass as we could find When I asked the MOD operator for numbers for two of our Admirals they had never heard of them These particular Admirals must lead quiet lives no one can find their numbers or phone them We had to do a bit of indirect searching and phoning other offices but eventually found them If all else fails ask for the registry at least you hope that the central office staff might know who is working in particular departments but don’t bet on it We asked for the accommodation office at a major RAF station and were answered by a cleaner working in one of the blocks well at least someone answered

Which idiot decided that they can only give out one number at a time we’re all trying to do an important job and wouldn’t be ringing enquiries if we knew the correct numbers to call.

We should be on the same side sometimes you wouldn’t think so basically we’re stuffed