Mobile calls from history

Route 66, what a laugh. Medicine mans mobile goes off in the middle of a sacred ceremony with Billy Connerly.
Just imagine that happening at the Battle of The Little Big Horn:

Mobile phone rings:
General Custer: Hello
Caller: Would you be interested in life insurance sir?
Custer: Can you call me back later, I'm busy at the moment?
Caller: Ok sir, what time?

Line goes dead
Brr Brr.....Eh up, Adolf speakin, owz yer bum fer spots ?

Erm....Arch Makarios ere........can the lend us a fiver, am a bit strapped at mo ?

Can thee wot ?, ask agen an thell be a war on.


War Hero
Book Reviewer
*ring ring*

JC - "Ello?"

JI - "Alright Jesus. Judas here fancy a pint tonight?"

JC - "Could do as it goes. Mary's got the painters in and driving me mad. Who's coming?"

JI - "The usual crowd. We'll have a few before i pop off on me cruise tomorrow. What you up to then?"

JC - "Fuck knows. Probably hang around Gethsemane as usual taking the piss out of the meek until they get cross"

JI - "Ok. Laters"

*call terminates*

JC - "He's a cock that bloke but his parties always have a surprise thrown in"
Brr Brr.....Ello, God Here, who is this ?.

It's Adam you dozy cunt, we are the only 2 peeps who exist.

Aye, sorry mate, wot's the problem ?.

I keep gettin a stiffy on and am wankin mesen blind, canst the do owt for us ?.

Al mek yer a companion owt of one of yer ribs, owz that ?.

Cheers mucker.

1 day later

Brr Brr....God ere, wots up now Adam ?.

That munter you made has tits like fried eggs and is slack as a yack.

Have you smashed her back doors in ?

Wots the meen ?

Y'know...wop it up her shitter.

A'll try that, cheers.

2 hours later

Brr Brr.....Now wot ?.

She's bin troffin figs all day and every time I enter chokky starfish am covered in shit........and she wont give us a gobble.

Crate of Carlsgerg special on it's way, sorry mate.
ring ring

Hello, God here.

Hi guy, it's Noah here. The wench wanted me to build her a boat, it's a bit bigger than I thought and I can't get the fucker out of the garden now. Any ideas.

I'll make it rain for a bit, see if it'll float out but I'm off to Benidorm for a month on the piss. Give us a call when there's enough oggin.

Will do.

40 Days later.

ring ring

Hello, God here.

It's Noah, you twat. Listen to your voicemail you penis, we're awash down here. Boat floats fine but I can't find me fucking house now, her indoors has gone ballistic. she decided to take all the strays in and I'm knee deep in dogshit now.



Book Reviewer
The Good Samaritan :- Hello, how can I help?

NMC :- Hello, I'm thinking of topping myself,

The Good Samaritan :- Tell me whats wrong,

NMC :- Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, I was only having a laugh, making a joke or two,

The Good Samaritan :- Everybody doesn't hate you. I don't hate you. I'm here to help you. What was the joke about?

NMC :- I was trying to wind up a few folk and giggle about some dead guy............

Phone slams down.

The Good Samaritan :- What a wanker. I hope he takes cover under a tree during thurderstorm.


The Good Samaritan :- Hello, how can I help?

Chico :- I got the sack.

The Good Samaritan :- I'm sorry to hear that. What were you working as?

Chico :- I was a trainee mortician.

The Good Samaritan :- How did you get the sack?

Chico :- You know some people can see dead people, well I touch dead people.

The Good Samaritan :- What do you mean you touch dead people?

Chico :- With my peepee...........

Phone slams down.

The Good Samaritan :- WTF, I hope that cunt falls into a grave for good. What a fucking morning.


The Good Samaritan :- Hello, how can I help you?

Jack :- I've just been made redundant.

The Good Samaritan :- FFS, man the fuck up you fanny! Phone slams down. Boss, I'm off for an early lunch and I don't think I'll be fucking back.


Lantern Swinger
Book Reviewer
AH. Whazzup
NC. bout dis Poland ting innit.
AH. Whabboutit
NC. You iz well out ov order.
AH. No way bruv, it waz ars to start wiv.
NC. weren’t
AH. woz too, nyway we need space to keep all our shit n dat
NC. Bak off or I iz gonna rough you up and ting
AH. you and whooze army
NC. the French or the Finns or some shit like dat and they iz well mental, not scared of nuffin and dey said dat dey ain't lost a fight yet
AH. Awlright man, I woz only trippin ya anyhow, Poland iz shit nyway! I will txt you that Poland iz shit n dat to prove it.
NC. Nuff said man, peace out
AH. Peace.
Hangs up.
NC. ‘kin one nut spaz
AH. I’m ‘kin in Poland, show that pussi whooz boss! Goebbels giv me a gobble you bumder.
Brr Brr....Chico ere, ooz this ?

Army recruiting office, you failed the entrance exam.

Why ?.

You lied about having good personal admin and irony.

Wot du a du now ?.

3 choices......Blackrats gimp, Maccy Dees or RAF regiment

Wen du a and me notice in at Dale Farm Tip ?

Job for life there Chico, forget the 3 choices.


Lantern Swinger
Brrr, Brrrr

Mark, 'ello, talk to me.

Luke, "S'me mate, Mark, look get in touch with the others, we,re off around to Judas place for a lashup"

Mark, "Christ, 'e must be loaded"

Luke, " Well 'e did say 'e,d come into some money.

"Mark, "OK mate, I,m on it"
Mobile Phones hacked by The News of the Universe.
M.J. and Doctor Conrad.
Dr.Conrad - MJ r u okay m8te?

M.J. - r u in the front room then?i cant be
arsed to get out of my bed LOL

Dr.Conrad - yeah wotchin telly u need some stuff?

M.J. - them last durgs woz the dgogs bllollox
lol lol got more pleez m8te ?

Dr.Conrad - fcuk off! ur over doing it a bit 2nite?

M.J. - i cnant get 2 sleeep fckuking shgagged out
just anutha pint wud be gr8

Dr.Conrad - im watching worlds scariest car chases m8
get it urself its in the cupboard next 2
the bed

M.J. - Cheers M8! lol lol lol Conrad? Conrad? my
top lip has gon 2 sleeep..i carnt feel my
face enny more its like its all gone 2 sleep

Dr.Conrad - wot u doin in ther???

M.J. - my fingas wont mooovv mprrlfff ggmump flaaarrr

Dr.Conrad _ mj? mj? u awake then lol?

M.J. - grubble mmgggmmppffff i think i might have over....

Dr.Conrad - mj? im calling an bulance hang on.

(Dial Dial Dial)

"Hello! And welcome to the TESCO Top Up line! Your pay as you go balance is
Zero....dollars, and top up this mobile you will have to
listen to two hours of shite before you will be able to make any calls....."

* * * * * *
How many of you have had a telephone nightmare then?

"Ringgg Ringgg!"
"Hello? This evening and hello! I am be calling Mohammed and I will
welcome you on Virgin Media Helpline, and how be I can assist you
this day tonight?"
"Errrr right my name is Donald Posslethwaite and I would like someone
to look at my Broadband Internet connection.....I can' get on line."
"Please? Mister Ronald Puzzled Twat? And for you is the problem on
with your internet please? I am to ask you a security questions first
is this with okay for you?"
"Its Donald Posslethwaite and my account number is 444690..."
"That is 320946 yes?"
"Mister Parcel Weight? What is third letter of password?"
"F***ing J!"
"Please I am helping you and please be pressing 6 on your phone to listen
to music for some minutes while I look at account for internet...."
"Noooo Don't put me on hold.....don't put me on........"

[Two little boys had two little toys - each had a wooden horse...gaily they'd play
each Summers day.....warriors both of course........etc etc]

(Six Rolf Harris CD's later)

"Hello? Hello? Mister Pussy Gate? Hello?"
"I am checked all internet for you and there is problem with router and internet
and modem and computer and the engineer will be is booked to attend for
you at the address of the home. Are you available on Friday?"
"Yes. Not a problem"
"This is good. Then the engineer will be attending on Monday afternoon between
eight o'clock and four o'clock on Wednesday evening in November or January
2012...this is good yes?"
"You what?!"
"And thank you for upgrading your package to XXXXXXL - your direct debits will
be £150 each of the month from now for the next two years thank you!!"
"Who the flying f**k is this?
"I am Mohammed of the Virgin Media Helpline and thankyou for calling.......bbeeeeeeeeeeeeeep...."

* * * * * *
Brp Brp...''Hello, Max Clifford agent to the stars here, who is this ?''

''Hi Max it's Gaz Glitter, I fancy doin a few under age girls, would that be ok ?.

''As celebrities Gaz we are bullet proof so fill yer boots''

''Cheers Max''
Brp Brp....''AFCO.......Ninja Stoko , how can I help ? ''

''Rachel 3 here , I want to be an ETME please.''

''Stoker in old money , EVERYONE wants to be a stoker but only the best are chosen , I will put your name down but I cannot promise anything''

One day later....Brp Brp...''Ninja Stoko.....AFCO''

''Rachel 3 again , I've changed my mind as I have a spiffing new job in civvy street''

Next day Rachel rings again...''Ninja , sorry to mess you about but I have decided I want to be a Writer''

'' As you have spent 3 years loafing at Uni you will fit right in as a shiny arse''
Will the Bard to Anne Hathaway. Ring Ring, 'Hello, Anne speaking.' "Darling Anne, thou art the object of my desire." 'Never mind the poetic bollocks Will, get round here and help me shift this wardrobe!'
[Dial 999].

Rrring Rrrring!

"Hello! This is the police! Unfortunately there's no one here to take your call at the moment, please
use the following menu - and an officer will get back to you as soon as one is available. Press #1
for I am being murdered, press #2 for I am being raped, press #3 for a burglar is battering me with
an iron bar
, press #4 all my children have gone missing, press #5 for my next door neighbour is
pouring petrol through my letterbox,
and #6 for any other police-type problems.
You are currently 99th in the queue. Alternatively you can post your request for assistance by
2nd class post to:

The Police,
PO BOX 999

and someone will send you a Neighbourhood Watch sticker which you can put in your front room
window. Please allow 8-10 weeks for delivery.

Thank you for calling the police! Now - here's Sting, singing An Englishman in New York...."

* * * * * *


Book Reviewer
rn458scc :- Uncle Spid I'm thinking about joining the Navy. Have you got any advice?

Spid :- Don't join Rumration asking about how to run a mile and a half.

rn458scc :- That's ok uncle I already joined, I posted a useful link about marker pens.

Phone slams down.

Spid :- My brother should get a DNA test.
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