Missing Submarine Life?

Discussion in 'Submariners' started by creeper, Jul 22, 2006.

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  1. Here’s how to recapture the atmosphere of the good old days and simulate living onboard once more!

    1. Build a shelf in the top of your wardrobe and sleep on it inside a small sleeping bag.

    2. Remove the wardrobe door and replace it with a curtain that’s too small.

    3. Wash your underwear every night in a bucket, then hang it over the water pipes to dry.

    4. Four hours after you go to bed, have your wife whip open the curtain, shine a torch in your eyes and say, “sorry mateâ€.

    5. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the centre of your bath and move the shower head to chest level. Store beer barrels in the shower enclosure.

    6. When you shower, remember to turn the water off while you soap.

    7. Every time there is a thunderstorm, sit in a wobbly rocking chair and rock as hard as you can until you are sick!

    8. Put oil instead of water into a humidifier and then set it to high.

    9. Don’t watch TV, except for movies in the middle of the night. For added realism, have your family vote for which movie they want to see, then select a different one.

    10. (Mandatory for engineers) Leave a lawn mower running in your living room 24 hours a day to re-create the proper noise levels.

    11. Have the paperboy cut your hair.

    12. Once a week blow compressed air up your chimney. Ensure that the wind carries the soot over onto your neighbours house. When he complains, laugh at him.

    13. Buy a rubbish compactor, and use it once a week. Store up your rubbish in the other side of your bath.

    14. Wake up every night at midnight and make a sandwich out of any thing you can find, preferably using stale bread. Optional - cold soup or ravioli out of a can.

    15. Devise menus for your family a week in advance without looking in the larder or fridge.

    16. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times through the night. When it goes off, leap out of bed, get dressed as fast as you can and run into the garden and break out the garden hose.

    17. Once a month, take every major household appliance completely apart then re-assemble.

    18. Use four spoons of coffee per cup, and allow to sit for three hours before drinking.

    19. Invite 130 people who you don’t like to come and stay for thirteen weeks.

    20. Install a small fluorescent light under your coffee table, then lie underneath it to read books.

    21. Raise the threshold and lower the top sills of all the doors in your house. Now you will either hit your head or skin your shins when passing through them.

    22. When baking cakes, prop up one side of the tin whilst it is in the oven. When it has cooled spread icing really thickly on one side to level it out again.

    23. Every so often, threw your cat in the bath and shout “man overboardâ€. Then run into the kitchen and sweep all the dishes and pans onto the floor whilst yelling at your wife for not having secured for sea.

    24. Put on the headphones of your stereo, do not plug them in. Go and stand in front of the dishwasher. Say to nobody in particular, “dishwasher manned and ready Sirâ€. Stand there for three or four hours. Say once, again to nobody in particular, “dishwasher securedâ€. Remove the headphones, roll up the cord and put them away.

    25. Nickname your favourite shoes “steamiesâ€, then get your children to hide them around the house on a random basis.

    Creeper :twisted:
  2. Good wernit
  3. there are so many memories triggered by your crazy list, loved it, can't stop smilling! my personal favorite no 9 I used to be the projectionist movies in the for'ard accommodation space rewinding the reels by hand and yes your right I'd ask what film and then choose what I wanted! brilliant times

  4. Must have been a Nukie Poo see XXXXXXXXX

  5. Very definitely with all those references to water wasting activities

    Only ever saw one person (well you smelt him first) have a shower on a diesel boat, snotty midshipman got 3 days leave stopped for that.
  6. A top post, its now been printed off and sits on my office notice board next to the photo of my old skipper presenting me with my Dolphins.
  7. Sure was, 12 years a bomber queen (was even a nav queen for a few years :razz: :razz: )

  8. Creeper

    Not sure what a nav queen is? Pilot, Nav Yeo or am I totally on the wrong track.

  9. In the beginning there was the word and the word was God. All else was darkness and void and without form. So God created the Heavens and the Earth. He created the Sun and the moon and the stars, so that light may pierce the darkness. The Earth, God divided between the land and the sea and He filled it with many assorted creatures.

    The dark, salty, slimy creatures that inhabited the seashore He called Marines and He dressed them accordingly. The flighty creatures of the air He called Airyfairies, and these He clothed in uniforms which where ruffled and foul. These creatures where not over popular, as their droppings fell on the earth below, but God forgave them because He said, they knoweth not what they do.

    The lowest creatures of the sea God called the General Service and with a twinkle in His eye, and with a sense of humor only He could have, God gave them big grey steel targets to go to sea on. He also gave them many splended uniforms to wear. He gave them wonderful and exotic places to visit. He gave them pen and paper so that they might write home every week. He also gave them a shiny laundry that they may keep all their splended uniforms clean. (When your God you tend to get carried away at times.)

    On the seventh day as we know God rested, and on the eighth day at 0700Z God looked down upon the earth and God was not a happy God. He realised something vital was missing. So He thought about his labours and with His infinate wisdom God decided to create a devine creature, and this devine creature He called a Submariner. And these Submariners, whom god created in His own likeness, were to be of the deep, and so He gave them a white wooly pully to keep them warm. He gave them sleek, black, steel messengers of death to roam the depths of the oceans waging war on the forces of Satan and evil. He gave them hotels to welcome them when they became weary of doing Gods will. He gave them subsistence so that they may entertain the ladies on nights ashore and impress the hell out of the creatures called the General Service.

    At at the end of the eighth day God looked down upon the earth and saw that all was well. But still God was not happy, because, in the course of his labors He had forgotten one thing. He had not given Himself a Submariners white wooly pully. He thought long and hard and finally satisfied his mind that not just anybody can be a Submariner.


  10. NUtty

    SYMBOL :su
    DISCOVERER :Holland
    ATOMIC MASS : Accepted as100Kilos. But known to vary from 100 to 300Kilos
    OCCURRENCE : Mainly found in dark places and can survive under water for long periods or in bars/ brothels on land


    1. Surface usually covered with grime, shale oil and general filth
    2. Boils at the idea of woman being introduced to their underwater domain although they encouraged them to frequent the bars/brothels
    3. Freezes if the correct balance of alcohol/blood is not maintained
    4. Melts when in close proximity of the chemical element known as woman
    5. Gloats if placed beside skimmer variety
    6. Only available in the crude state
    7. Yields with great frequency when first tapped but reduces to a little squirt over time
    8. Smells obnoxious and attempts to conceal it with foo-foo have proved to be futile


    1. Has a great affinity for other submariners particularly those still classed as ‘skin’
    2. Absorbs great quantities of rum, lager etc
    3. May explode if woman are ever allowed to enter their underwater domain
    4. Incompatible with soap and water, however, saturation in alcohol greatly increases their desire to impregnate the chemical element known as woman but they will settle for their own chemical element, animals or anything else that is handy if a woman is not available


    1. Can carry large trays of drinks
    2. To make all skimmers appear thick, bulled up wooden tops


    1. A true submariner will be able to detect the smell of an open bottle of rum from 1 mile away even over their own odour
    2. Waves £5O notes when placed beside a skimmer


    1. Emits toxic gasses

  12. Here's another fun thing to do.....
    Climb up on to the roof of your house in the pi**ing rain, wind,
    sleet and darkness, rip down your TV aerial and replace it with
    a bent wire coat-hanger - shout down the chimney at yer missus
    in the living-room, "How's the fu**ing picture now then ?!!".
    When reception is just a snowy-wobbling black and white pile of shite....
    attach wire coat-hanger to broken brush handle - attach everything to
    chimney with six rolls of masking tape, return to living room and
    spend the rest of the evening drippin' about the crap picture!
    (This dosen't work for Cable TV/Sky/Freeview!)
  13. Way off the mark Nutty

    OK, back in the cold war days of the Resolution class SSBNs at the back of the control room was the nav centre, this was as big as the control room and housed the computers and systems used to navigate the Polaris missiles.
    This compartment was manned 24/7 at sea and alongside by a team of 1 CCWEA (WO2 to the sprogs), 3 PO/CPOWEAs and 3 WEM(R)S/M’s, the WEM(R)s were used as the work involved a fair amount of maths and it was considered that the WEM(R) was the most switched on rating in the Andrew.
    As we were the smartest, best looking and well hung of the cream of the navy that is know as the Submarine Service we got a bit of stick from the rest of the crew, mostly because we had to constantly man our compartment we were unable to help many whole ship evolutions alongside, and as the compartment was out-of-bounds to non Nav Centre staff (except CO/XO/WEO/PWEO and OOW’s) no one else knew what we did. Hence we were called Nav Queens.
    This was in the days of high tech IT, the computer we used were the sort you see in TV cop shows from the 70’s with the big tapes going back and forth behind glass, we were told the system was based on the New York traffic light computers of the late 60’s, we even had parallel computers.
  14. I saw a skimmer version of the above - very similar but with a few additions. From memory:

    Set your alarm to go off at 0300. When it does, shout FIRE FIRE FIRE and get into a boiler suit as quickly as possible. Order your family to muster in the shed. Then turn on the garden hose and aim it at the neighbour's bedroom window.

    Another was to keep all your rubbish upstairs. Once a week, when the bin lorry comes around, get a few mates over and between you all throw the rubbish into the bin lorry from your bedroom window.

    Pay your mates to wake you at random times of night, each time with a weather report.

    Can't remember the rest - come on skimmers - we have good dits too!

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