Miserable old witch.

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by 2_deck_dash, Mar 22, 2010.

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  1. My next door neighbour is a right stroppy old cuntbag.

    Since we moved in three years ago, she has never once acknowledged my or my wife's presence. I always try to be courteous and polite and I always say hi to her whenever I see her. She always just grunts or ignores me completely.

    Anyway, last year I jazzed up my garden with some new plants, a nice decking with LEDs inlaid into it and a simple 'lean to' shelter for my tools, bike etc. Within a few weeks of said structure going up I had a snotogram from the council demanding I take it down as it breached the terms of my lease apparently.

    Being the stubborn fucker that I am, I fought tooth and nail with the cunts and eventually they fucked off and left me alone, realising that I wasn't breaking any rules. During one of their visits I managed to find out that it was my snotty cunt of a neighbour who had complained in the first place because she didn't like the look of the shelter.

    Anyway I digress, since we moved in we have had a pretty bad damp problem in our back room, I always just assumed it was due to the age of the building and we have had two courses of damp proofing put in to combat it with little result. The council surveyor who came to inspect my shelter had a look at it and it appears that my neighbour's guttering is directing the flow of rainwater onto my back wall, causing the damp. The council said they would deal with this matter.

    After a few months of cuntbag refusing to answer the council's letters and ignoring me when I try to speak to her, I was left with little choice but to wedge a couple of tea towels into her gutter in order to stop the water flowing onto my wall. It worked and this winter just gone was the first that we have had no mould growing in the spare room. This is testament to the fact that her gutter is causing it.

    Unfortunately, given yesterday's good weather, she was in her garden and has found the cloths, removing them and throwing them over the fence into my garden.

    It has now gone past the stage of asking her nicely to fix her drain and the council are fcuking useless, therefore I am left with the following options:

    1. Take her to court and make her fix the gutter and pay for my damp proofing and re-decorating. This is not ideal as I would have to explain why I wedged the cloths into her gutter and I can't really be arsed with all the hassle of legal costs etc.

    2. Wedge more cloths in the gutter and hope she doesn't notice. Eventually she will notice though and it will open up a can of worms.

    3. Go to the council who take years to do anything. To be honest I'd rather leaves these fuckwits out of it completely.

    4. Wage war on the cunt and begin a slow and torturous campaign of subtle psychological warfare on her. Fuck the damp problem this will be much more fun.

    Anyone got any sensible or not so sensible advice?
  2. Remove her gutter

    Problem solved!
  3. witsend

    witsend War Hero Book Reviewer

    A couple of questions 2DD,

    Is she single?
    Does she own any cats?
    Can your Mrs fight?
  4. Does she have any pets you can dismember and post to her in a box?
  5. Defo number 4 it will also affect her family aswell when they all think she has alzhiemers all the while its just your evil pshycotic ways driving her to dementia.
  6. Yes. I put this down to the fact that she looks like she should be drinking cider while pushing a shopping trolley full of clothes around instead of living in a £1.2 million house, next door to me.

    I'm not sure. I have a cat though and it is hard as fcuk. It would deck any cat that tried to come in my garden.

    Wanna see my scars?
  7. witsend

    witsend War Hero Book Reviewer

    No I don't want to see them, just stop punching her in the back of the head when your being blowed.

    She must be an old lettuce muncher then. With the good weather coming in, take up sunbathing naked. Its sure to give her a heart attack and hey bingo, new neighbours. You must also spray orange/lime (can't remember which one) around your garden. Your ratcatcher will take to pissing and shitting in her backyard.
  8. one brown paper bag, shit in the said bag, take next door after dark, add lighter fluid and once alight press her door bell or knock and run. This should get the hate campaign going well. Then the dead rat gag is always a good one. Oh i guess number would be my choice. :D :D
  9. 2 DD I suggest total, unmitigated war be waged against the miserable minge. Sugar in the petrol tank, dog sh!t on the frontdoor handle, superglue her locks/letterbox, throw your leftovers into her garden so it attracts foxes and other vermin and of course loud drunken weekenders encouraging your guests to piss on her frontdoor and throw their empties at her when she pops over the fence to complain. Its the only way cnuts like her learn.
  10. I'm liking these options a lot.

    Another good one I discovered accidentally while trying to follow a Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall recipe:

    Get some wholegrain flour, mix it with an egg and some water until it resembles wallpaper paste. Leave it in the garden for 4 weeks and forget about it while you go on holiday.

    The resulting smell from this concoction can only be described as a combination of tramp's vomit and dog shit. It is so potent that you can smell it from the other side of the street.

    I'm thinking of making up a batch and spreading it liberally in her flower beds. I know it will make my garden smell too but it's probably worth it.
  11. Let the sound of laughter rule, always smile at her, during the summer have lots of parties with much laughing.
    It'll drive her beserk and she'll eventually do something which will get rid of her, once and for all.
    I've done it and it worked.
  12. witsend

    witsend War Hero Book Reviewer

    You have her name and address, sunday papers and multiple subscriptions of all sorts. If shes not pissed off at least the lazy bastard postie will be.
  13. I try that all the time, I even invited her round for a neighbourly BBQ when we first moved in and she just ignored me. She has lived there for years apparently. Her's is one of the last houses in our road not to be turned into flats. Basically she lives in this massive house by herself.

    I believe she has a problem with us in particular due to the fact that we are young and successful and have only moved in relatively recently.

    Even torching her car won't be worth it as the cost of the matches will probably be more than the value of the clapped out old banger.
  14. [quote="2_deck_dash] I have a cat[/quote]

    Pics or STFU :D
  15. Pics or STFU :D[/quote]

    Of my cat? Here ya go:
  16. What if a big lump of cement was to accidently find it's way into her gutter. She'd find that a lot harder to throw into your garden than some rags and if you did it so she couldn't see it from the ground she'd probably be none the wiser.
  17. Fook me 2DD sounds like deja vu or whatever, my next door withch moved in just before I went to Iraq in 2003 when I came back her garden looked like Beruit and her kids were the noisiest fcukers on earth. She hated me with a vengance because I was a matelot and was beneath her in social standing. Wifey got involved threated to beat her fcuking brains out 2 hours later the old bill arrived and we were given a caution. Next one was my central heating boiler which she claimed the fumes were poisoning her kids (I fcuking wish), nuisance order served on me by the council and because mines Grade 2 listed it cost me £4000 for an eco warrior special.
    She moved out to live with her new partner 4 months ago and rents out her shithole now, when she movd out I ran naked through the village in celebration, rumours has it she has now broken up with the fcuking idiot she was seeing and is heading back this way. My house is now on the market could'nt put up with it again. Visit the neighbours from hell website for more cunning ideas
  18. 2DD.

    Although not as funny and or malicious as some here, expandable foam is now your best oppo.

    Get a can of said wonderful stuff and a long nozzle, poke this (excuse the pun), as far up the drainpipe as possible and fill the bloody thing up. The only way of unblocking this is now to replace the down pipe, which of course you can fill up again pronto.

    She can never prove it was you and can't fling it in your garden as it just wont come put.

    Good luck.
  19. My fave "piss some one off" wheeze is to empty a pint of maggots through their letter box, the little wrigglers all run away and hide, 3 weeks later the house is full of bluebottles. For weeks after you can walk past their property and see the flies hiding in the curtain lining, window sills, light fittings..makes me chuckle !! :lol:
  20. Of my cat? Here ya go:

    That's a beautiful photo, 2dd.

    How did you take it without waking him/her up?

    What's his/her name?

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