Military History of France

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by Grape_Shot, May 7, 2007.

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  1. Most of you old salts will know this already. I'm posting it for the newbies so they will know the metal of their ally across the channel. GS

    Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
    Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
    Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
    Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
    Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
    War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
    The Dutch War - Tied
    War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
    War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.
    American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."
    French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.
    The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
    The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
    World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by Britain and the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
    World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
    War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu
    Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
    War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

    Let's face it. When it comes to war, France gets rolled more often than a Parisian prostitute with a visible mustache.
  2. Know what the new French flag is?

    A white cross on a white background.
  3. lol grape.....again :) you're on a roll mate keep them coming:)
  4. The French record may have some bad spots in it but of course they did manage to kick the English out
  5. Hopefully, now that the elections are over, France will grow some big n hairies and become a friend to the British at last. They can start by stopping all the illegals moving through France towards the UK. Think it'll happen? I do.

    And now the weather in Lamriland,
    Sunny, but it will be raining tenners and fillet steak......
  6. I always bite with this one - just call me a cheese eating surrender monkey and be done with it ...

    Lets get one thing straight first though every country snatches victory from the jaws of defeat in terms of warfare - look at Vietnam (cough) never met an American who didn't know exactly how many of their troops died ... and you got Rambo as a result (tee hee) moving swiftly onwards ...

    OK well in no particular order:

    Encyclopédie, ou dictionnaire raisonné des sciences, des arts et des métiers - the Encyclopedia of Diderot - really did change the way people thought in the 18th century

    The countryside of France - my own explorations are limited to Paris, Provence a bit of the Loire Valley and Grenoble - one of the few countries I am still interested in visiting. Anyone who has seen the poppies and the Lavender fields knows they are in heaven

    Food: the pastries, the wonderful way they cook food, serve salads, do I include wine here? I defy you to open a bottle of Chateauneuf du Pape and tell me you are unhappy (other than the price) ... not to mention the cheese ...

    The arts: painting, music, sculpture and more recently in the world of film and the associated cult of french actors - mmm Daniel Auteuil mmm

    The only downside for me was putting the radio on today and hearing Sarkozy described as a French neo-con. Is this good or bad? Might mean he cosies up to the Yanks or it might mean a resurgence of Gaullist nationalism which I don't think will be that bad for Europe - time will tell


    p.s. and for the women:

  7. janner

    janner War Hero Book Reviewer

    I suspect his anwer to the illegals problem will be free one way tickets on EuroStar to the UK or free access to the channel ferries
  8. Golden Rivet we are not taking the p'ss out of the french generally but ther ability to inflict violence on another nation. Although I do cede your point on their cultural victories.
    France is certainly a schizo nation. As a young lad I spent a holiday hiking around Normandy's battlefields and was quite shocked in the rudeness and general arrogance of the locals. But just visited Bordeaux on ship and found the people exceptionally friendly and polite and the city was beautiful.
  9. I know darling - I just love the opportunity to rant on one of my fave topics and have a good old perv over Daniel Auteuil - and well if it niggles a few Little Englanders I'm not too sad about that either 8)
  10. Well there they go again - a repeat of the victory in the French Revolution - "Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French" as the rioting goes on celebrating French Democracy!

    Like Angry Mac I have enjoyed a run ashore in Bordeaux - but its almost Basque isn't it? As for GR you certainly are a cheese (presumably not Wensleydale, cheddar etc) eating surrender monkey! And Maxi, yes the English left - after several hundred years and now they are quietly invading again.

    I just cannot work up any enthusiasm to say anything good about the country (just described on the radio by an economist as the 'sick man of Europe' - Hurrah!) or the losers who live there - thanks Grape Shot a great dit please pass the freedom fries and I'll crack open a bottle of decent Aussie/SA/US/Chilean/Argentinian/Georgian Red wine.
  11. Almost Basque? Hmm!! Like your tone re the wine---a friggin philistine!!!

  12. Like this basque?

  13. [​IMG]

  14. PMSL.
  15. This is for you JamesH. I PMSL when I saw the magazine cover. Good work!

    [align=center]New French Threat Levels[/align]

    The French Government has established new internal threat levels. Unlike the US the French only have four such levels. They are, from low to high:





    After the Madrid bombings, France has raised its terror alert level from "RUN" to "HIDE." They have been at that level since.
  16. They have taken over the Italians mantle now.Bless em!

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