Mick Jones and The Queen


Lantern Swinger
Mick Jones was a WWII submariner and the Irish leprachaun of our Merseyside Submariners Association and wrote many poems and monologues. Sometimes the stuff that he wrote was pretty near the knuckle but always funny and appreciated by the submarine community with their sense of black humour. Other people (mostly landlubbers) simply didn't understand where he was coming from, but that was their problem.

On the occasion of Prince Charles marriage to Princess Diana he felt inspired to write the following ode which amused us loyal subjects of the Royal Family. After its original public performance and printing in his booklet 'Musings of a Merry Matelot' we devised a plan to wind Mick up. We has a letter typed up on fake Buckingham Palace stationary purportedly sent to Mick by the Queens Secretary. One of our members sons was serving in the Coldstream Guards and had the letter posted from the Palace Post Office to give it authenticity. Mick said it had originally scared the s*** out of him until he had read it a few times and realised it was a stitch-up. I include that letter below after Mick's offering of 'The Royal Wedding.'

The Royal Wedding

The Queen and Prince Philip were sitting in one of their stately halls
Writing down names of Barons and Dames to invite to the ‘do’ at St. Paul’s.
The Queen said “ I think that’s the lot nowâ€, and Philip said,“Hold on a tickâ€.
Who’ve we got to represent the Navy?â€, the Queen said, “ How about Gilly and Mick?â€

So they wrote out a grand invitation, all gold crested and very tastefully done
Saying, Lizzie and Phil invite Mickey and Gil, to the wedding of Charlie our son.
And so on the day of the wedding, Me and Gilly we went down to St. Paul’s
The Lord Chamberlain cried, “Are you friends of the bride? In unison we answered “Ballsâ€.

Spying a seat near the altar, we said, “Now here’s a pew that looks handyâ€
We’re right in the van, just behind Princess Anne, the Queen Mother, Edward and Andy.
Prince Charlie dressed as a Commander, with epaulettes, peaked cap and sword
Was first down the aisle, and in true naval style, Gilly yelled, “Pipe the bastard aboard.â€

The Wedding March boomed from the organ, and then into view came Lady Di.
Resplendent in lace, and lovely of face, a divine sight to delight any eye
At last the wedding was over and as they walked down the aisle full of grace
The Queen turned her head, and to Me and Gil said, “You’re invited for drinks at our place.â€

The grub at the palace was smashing; there was venison, partridge and trout
Whiskey and brandy, bitter and shandy, pig’s trotters, spare ribs and stout.
Time passed, as we got a bit merry, and we sipped away at the juice of the vine
I was ready to chuck it, and then I said, “Sod it†and sang them “This Old Hat of Mineâ€

The Queen Mother sang, “How’s Yer Father†and the young Fergie she did a striptease
Princess Anne of course did her trick with the horse, but to be honest, she had to use grease.
Then Gilly spewed up on one of the corgis, as it lay sleeping there on the mat
As it scampered away I could hear Gilly say, “Christ! I can’t recall eating that.â€

Then Her Majesty said,“ Now what games can we play, or can anyone do any tricks?â€
Well I was doing the reggae with the Queen’s sister Maggie so I said, “Would you like to play Dicks?â€
Soon after that the party broke up in disorder, as out of Buck House we were both carried.
Said the Queen to her swain, “Let’s invite them again, when Edward and Andy get married.

Mick Jones.

12 July 1982 Buckingham Palace

Dear Mr Jones,

I am commanded by her Majesty The Queen to thank you for your loyal greetings and congratulations on the birth of her grandson, Prince William Arthur Philip Louis (or Wee Willie as you so quaintly call him.)

Her Majesty assures me that the gift of a book of poems entitled ‘Musings of a Merry Matelot’ is greatly appreciated. Your poem entitled ‘The Royal Wedding’ has been passed on to Scotland Yard’s Obscene Publications Squad, and you will doubtless be hearing from them in due course.

Her Majesty also commands me to tell you that the name conferred on Prince William was not out of any admiration for ‘King Billy’ who as you comment knocked seven bells of shite out of those Fenian bastards at the Battle of the Boyne.

Prince William will most certainly enter the Royal Navy in the future. He will not necessarily join the Sonar Branch even if he has as you suggest ‘inherited his Da’s big lugs.’

My staff and myself have searched long and hard through the effects of the late King George the Sixth and nowhere can we find any reference of his Majesty promising to confer any kind of Knighthood on Mr Gilbert Snape or yourself.

I remain

Yours faithfully

Michael Shea

(Equerry to Her Majesty the Queen)

Red Sailor