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Memoirs of a Nutter

fishhead

War Hero
It has been a gripping read.A trip down a very dark which I hope I will never have to travel.
Top marks to Stirling for turning over this particular stone and giving the rest of us an insight of another world.
 

Rumrat

War Hero
Stirling for gods sake man put the next episode up.
Fuckin Eastenders and Emmerdale have finished, and your dragging your feet like friggin moses.
I voted for you as Legend of the Month, what more do you want you bastard, now gimme my story or I'll go fuckin crazy as well.

Pretty please. :D :D
 

Rumrat

War Hero
Rumrat said:
Stirling for gods sake man put the next episode up.
Fuckin Eastenders and Emmerdale have finished, and your dragging your feet like friggin moses.
I voted for you as Legend of the Month, what more do you want you bastard, now gimme my story or I'll go fuckin crazy as well.

Pretty please. :D :D


:sleepy: :sleepy: :sleepy: :sleepy2: :sleepy2: :sleepy2: :sleepy: :sleepy:
I'm waiting Stirl, you fell asleep as well.
Where's my serial, we need it now. :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:
 

Stirling

Banned
Target Training the home of the Learn Direct centre in York had 2 rooms, one massive one with 20 PC’s catering for the LD stuff and a smaller one with 12 PCs which was an off- shoot of Selby College and dealt with ECDL syllabus, rec area where you could have coffee and chat.

S signed me up for a huge 24 element course which I studied in the mornings and afternoons I did the 7 element ECDL and workshops on CV prep.

One of the emergency exits led out onto a small flat roof where you could go for a tab, Chairman of Target and centre manager both smoked so I would follow them out ... they could not accuse me of loafing.
Passed ECDL and never got less than 90% in the tests of the LD course, Chairman asked if I would consider working as a tutor on a voluntary basis, funding was tight so it was dead mans shoes for a paid post.
Now working full time voluntary which was a tick in the box as far as future employment was concerned, started applying for jobs in junior admin but was knocked back every time, too honest for my own good.

Mid June 2001 during a visit to my consultant I asked if I could come off meds as I had gained 2 stone in weight and the limb malfunctions were not easy to hide in a work environment, she said that as I was showing small signs of recovery a trial period of 3 months off meds would be agreeable, that trial period has lasted 9 years.

I had visited the Spread on occasion during the dark years of 98-99 quaffing pints of lime and soda but even in the meds induced '5 pints happy' mood it was not easy watching former drinking buddies getting shitfaced. I gave it a week after coming off meds to ensure it was out of my system ( I had witnessed peeps mixing meds and alcohol and it was not a pretty site ) before going for my first pint in 3 yrs, G from Target tagged along for support, G had become a great friend and he turned out to be a real card when out socially.

I was back in society and at the tail end of October I met J who had a masters degree in social psychology so girlfriend and mentor in one gorgeous little package.
The only blot on the landscape was my flat, mortgage interest and a small allowance towards maintenance charges paid by the state but as the MC were a crippling £1200 a year this could not continue, reluctantly I put it on the market.

Friday nights me and G would go for a pint after work, joined on occasion by his lady, one particular night some nosy ear wigging armchair psychologist asked me how much I used to drink, G turned away sniggering as he knew what was coming.
'I was in the pub to drink not to count, but to satisfy your curiosity I did find out one night quite by accident, I always had one tab with every pint, leaving work one day I was out of tabs so bought some from the offy opposite the pub, when I got home that night after troffing my pizza and a cup of tea I had a tab, only 6 left in the packet....now foxtrot oscar'...'Foxtrot Oscar?'...G ..'FCUK OFF'.

One morning in early March 02 I arrived for work to be greeted by glum faces, Chairman takes me aside and tells me that G had died over the weekend, autopsy revealed a heart defect that would not have been detected even in a scan.
I had only ever been to one funeral before, my mothers, I attended this one, place was packed, his father said he had not known that G was so popular..only 43.

Sale of the flat went through, stayed with J while CPN kicked council backsides to get me this place, it was a shithole but it was my shithole. Chairman of Target wanted me to run an off-shoot IT suite in my area that he was about to open, could not commit as I needed time away from work to get the flat into some sort of shape.

Took 5 weeks of graft to get the place the way I wanted it, in the meantime another local guy started running the new IT suite, the death of G put me back quite a few paces and J and I had split up, work was the last thing I needed.
After tax I came out with around £ 15,000 from the flat sale, paid off the bank loan I was given to clear my credit card debts, all the paint, new fitted carpets, cooker, fridge, washer and 32 inch Sony CRT I was left with about £ 8,000 and we all know where that was going to end up.

Kept changing the location of my drinking as there were too many nosy bastards to stomach , the flashes ( more later) were increasing by the day, told my CPN a pack of lies on his visits till my money ran out. I still had the Beast ( Bang & Olufsen stereo) the only thing I had not sold for drinking money prior to being sectioned, music sooths and I was getting by..¦. just.

Bumped into Chairman of Target in town Jan 04 and he took me to city HQ for a coffee and a chat, within the hour he has phoned the manager of the local IT suite and told him to expect a full time voluntary tutor next day.
Me and JTR hit it off straight away and life seems good again, only occasional visits from Chairman and he is more than happy the way JTR runs the place.

My brain decides it cannot cope with this daily contact with joe public and increases the flashes at an alarming rate, one day while showing a pensioner how easy it is to send pics to his grand daughter in Oz by e-mail I get 2 flashes inside a minute, leave work and go straight to city HQ to inform Chairman and manager that I am grateful for all the opportunities they have put my way but my time as a tutor is at an end.
A bloody shame as these people only look at the person and not the illness.

The flashes...never see them coming, in laymans terms the flash is to do people physical harm, friends, strangers be they men ,women ,children¦. I know what my hands can do and it is scary, so far I have been able to counter, if that's the word, all but one, it was late at night, a young chav, and it was messy.

THE CURE

How to stop drinking ?, easy, never take money out with you, if shopping for victuals only take enough to cover the cost of items, make no eye contact with anyone, do not speak to anyone as this is when your guard is down and the counter may not work, if you see someone you know say hello and move on, thank god for serve yourself checkouts, if it tits up, point to it and when the attendant keys off the problem, nod and smile.
Get out and train, I use the Sustrans track near my home, pretty deserted during the week with only birdsong and the hum of farm machinery for company, bit busier on w/ends as loads of families tootling about on their push rods so go out early and miss the rush .Change the diet, porridge, fresh fruit, dried fruit and brazil nuts, treat at w/ends of pasta or risotto and the occasional sausage butty. Healthy and cheap, allows me to afford my annual 10 day break on the IOW, train journey can be fraught but I key myself up for that.
JTR has put some IT work my way that I can do at home and gradually I am gaining in confidence, around September last year CPN recognises that I am making eye contact when speaking to him. Make contact with 2BM and have a coffee in town with him, I can now do about 4 to 5 hours contact with people I know before the brain gives me a nudge to make my apologies and leave. The drink ?, I have about 3 pints at the end of the day on holiday, it is a yearly treat ( cheers BOOTWU ) and one off special occasions ( cheers 2BM ), I amaze myself that I can turn it off and on at will, would never have achieved that 5 years ago.

That's your lot, and yes, I still dream about Dr Lesley.
 
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Stirling

Banned
POSTSCRIPT

The piece is a condensed version, if I had to include all the details I would have been here for days. I should not be on the streets but my CPN has confidence that I can manage the illness my own way.
Why did I not tap into the naval discipline sooner to tame this monster?, too busy being a selfish idiot, real men do not cry ?, they fcuking do, buckets and buckets of tears. Suicidal ?, never, life is too short any way and I would miss my trips to the IOW, not everyone’s cup of tea but I love it, much slower pace of life over there and the hotel where I stay is top, June cannot come quick enough. http://www.bayhouse-hotel.co.uk/ -And of course you lot, especially Rummers, lost count of the times I have sprayed tea over the monitor, apologies for anyone I fail to mention, Wrecker L, Stix, BOOTWU, 2BM, 2DD, MLP, Fink, JJ, Black Rat, Sol, NinjaSuperMarioBrothers, Stan, Jesse, SF 1939, Seaweed, Naval Gazer, Sgt P, John E, Fishhead, Seadog, Silverfox X2, Blobbs & NZB, Sweetpea, Tattoo Dog, Uncle Albert, Janner, the list is endless, thanks for all the laffs and serious debate, should be mandatory reading for all politicians.
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Really miss G, definite mob material, probably CT, Chairman of Target, one of the most respected men in York, like the best skipper you have ever served under.
J has sold up and moved to France running a gite, rear of the year 2001/2, one of her outfits was black leather mini skirt with matching halter top, black hold ups and red ankle boots, see through knickers which is the only item she would remove after a night out and we made love, little minx.

Special mention

GS my one true friend in York has stood by me through all of this, never mentions my illness unless I broach the subject, pearls of wisdom from him and the subject is put to bed and back to discussing blerk things. Known him for over 30 yrs, we used to go up town on a Friday night and have a riot. He always had the confidence that I would pull through this, I only contacted him around 5 times through the dark years as he had a life to lead and I did not want to burden him with my life offal but good to know he was there for me if needed, mob mentality through and through.


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Have avoided my family since 98, not easy when 5 of the 9 live in York, will not go into all the reasons here but pure adrenalin can set off the flashes and they do not deserve to witness the monster unleashed. Made contact with youngest sister just before xmas last year, since then eldest sister has made contact and is suggesting a family meet probably over xmas, I will let her read the memoirs first and go with what she decides.

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Have tested the injury this morning so I am good to go so it is a half marathon today and I may catch you later.
 

Rumrat

War Hero
I have to tell you Stirl, that was one of the most riveting reads I've had for yonks. They say fact is stranger than fiction, well in your case fact is a dam site more interesting than fiction.
I am sorry life dealt you a sh1t hand, but have to say you still seem to have trumped in a few times with what you got.
What we talked about before in the PM's mate still holds for me, and I will make arrangements pretty soon.
The only reservation I have about meeting up with you, is that if we walk about in York, people might think I'm your "Toy Boy" :wink: :roll: :oops: :D :D
 
Stirling, thank you for your candour. I hope your happy ending is enduring. If circumstances change, as they tend to do, you have already demonstrated your ability to overcome whatever life throws at you. I wish you well.
 

WreckerL

War Hero
Super Moderator
Thanks for sharing that with us all Stirl, hopefully sharing it and sitting down to write it will help as well.
 
Thanks for sharing mate. Truly moving and inspirational too in its own way. Shows that even the hardest times can be gotten through. Best of luck in the future buddy and as to the IOW........i agree, its a brilliant place to get away from things
 

fishhead

War Hero
We have read the condensed version and I think most of us have learnt a great deal.Perhaps the book is just begging to be written now so as we privileged few on RR are not the only ones to benefit from your story.
Good luck for the future Sterling.
 
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