Memoirs of a Loon.

For those who may have missed it , the unpublished pamphlet.

- First bit

Stirling Clones : At this time after all the years of heavy drinking my puddled brain was convinced that an army of clones were at my beck and call and the time was ripe for me to start my own private security company to rid the streets of my beautiful city of all the smack heads, winos, beggars and other detritus.

I am bloody pig sick of one particular work shy bastard at the University of York, my work place. who only lifted a finger if the work would make him look good to the management, in short a brown nosing glory hunter

February/ March at Uni was boiler cleaning season, bloody hard graft but by third week of March myself and JH had broken the back of it, helped on occasion by DE, loads of overtime which meant more drinking vouchers. My luck was also in money wise as my bank had offered me a credit card back end of February with a limit of £ 2,500 to which I had already made inroads.

Monday of the last week of March I handed in my notice on a scrap of paper to my supervisor, nice man but one of the worst communicators I have ever come across, he laughs and hands it back ‘’ Don’t be silly Stirl, is this a joke ?’’….’’I’m bloody serious boss I have work to do else where’’. I go to the central boiler house and have a cuppa and a tab and get stuck in to some work, pretty soon ML the charge hand arrives and ask’s what’s going on, ‘’I am leaving mate I have had enough and I’m needed elsewhere’’‘’But wot yer gonna do’’‘’That is fer me at know and you to ponder’’ MW is gob smacked, I don’t want to leave him in the lurch but needs must, I tell him of some gear we need and off he trotts. When you work hard time flys and it is soon tea break time, I go to the nearby college for a ‘’poorly hand’’, massive bap filled with scrambled egg. Enter mess room GC a lecy spots the poorly hand , ‘’ Ah, another heart valve goes bang’’, cheeky twat. Much banter about the weekend just gone, ‘’Ow much did yer plough through this w/end Stirl ?’’….’’Who are you, a fcukin detective’’ cackle cackle. T break over it is in to the workshops to see if any urgent work sheets have come in for my zone, there are none.

Back to the boiler house, Smelly work shy comes up in his car, running joke is if he strays more than 50 ft from his car an alarm goes off, he stands about while we get stuck into work, jungle telegraph is working overtime and I can sense he is dying to ask about my notice but dare not, he knows I will tear his arm off and hit him with the soggy end, he pisses off.

Dinner time soon arrives and it is down to the bakers in the village to get a jacket spud with hot filling of today’s special, in the mess room my mind is full of thoughts of strategy to kick off the clean up of York, after dinner no urgents for my area so back to boiler house, Smelly arrives and goes upstairs to sit on his arse in the office playing on the computer monitor…..RAGE….. I keep it tight and concentrate on work.

1630 I crash my nicks and socks out, hang them in the CHP CAT house where it is red hot, by the time I have finished my shower they are dry.

Back to workshops to fill in worksheets and don fresh work shirt for trip home, 1700 and I’m out the door, supervisor ‘’Stirl can I have a word’’ ‘’Tomorrow’’, I am into ramming speed for the walk home, RW pulls up in Dolly and gives me a lift to traffic lights cutting my time to get to my local.

First pint of the day, yum. People talk but my mind is elsewhere, have had enough of this and walk up to TheNorthern Wall to have a banter with A S the barman I have known for donkeys, back to the local for last orders then pizza, home, sleep.

Next day avoid GT the supervisor, up to CBH, cuppa, tab ,work. ML arrives to lend a hand and we have a laff as work progresses but I can see in his eyes there are many questions he needs to ask but being the sound man he is, schtum.
Tea break, another poorly hand and over to w/shops where GT is waiting,

‘’Stirl, about your notice, I …….’’I am leaving GT, get used to it’’ ‘’ Bbut……

‘’FFS leave it GT…..I have work to do’’ ‘’Stirl ‘’…..too late I am up to ramming speed and away.

Dinner time, by now every man and his dog knows about my notice but good on them for not being nosy bastards. After dinner GT comes up to CBH and I decide to use language that he will understand, ‘’Stirl…..’’Fcuk off I’ve nowt to say’’…..’’I have to talk to you’’…..’’Asked and answered’’….’’Stirl please’’…

‘’Asked and answered’’, he pisses off but comes back minutes later with some notepaper, ‘’Will you listen to me?’’….’’Possibly maybe, probably no’’….‘’What…..’’…..’’Asked and answered’’ ‘’We cannot accept your notice on the scrap of paper you gave me, if you are serious which I doubt then make it official on this note paper’’…..RAGE, I snatch the note paper and go to office to pen my notice AGAIN, ML arrives and stands at office door making idle chit chat, ‘’Give this to GT mate’’….’’ Er, okay, see ya in a bit’’.

End of day, into the Spread Eagle my local, couple of drinking buddies in and we chat about one of our passions, Rugby League. I can sense the landlady, a redhead , is about to enter into one of her many ‘’interviews’’, I leave, bloody armchair psychologists. Up to Wall, it is AS’s night off, bugger, down to Rose and Crown and have a laff with buddies I have known since the 70’s. Pizza, home, sleep.

Wednesday GT seems to have got the message and is using ML as a conduit, ML informs me I have a meeting after T break with the head of our department to confirm my notice , I enter big cheese office and GT is present, I am a reasonable photographer and have already done a couple of promo shoots for pubs in York and flannel big cheese with lies about jobs in the pipeline, he wishes me well and thanks me for my 20 years service at Uni, GT has sat there with mouth open all through this, confused GT ?, you will be. Exit office, ‘’Stirl…..I give him a look and at last he is receiving and not transmitting.

Thursday, tomorrow I will be rid of this place and can put my very detailed plans into action, joe public starts his w/end on Friday nights, we start a day early, sides are aching with the banter this night, chips and curry sauce, home, sleep.

Friday, dress in black Doc’s, black vest and black Lycra cycling bottoms, Walkman playing Techno version of Das Boot by U96 and I’m good to go, first tab of the day and increase ramming speed pace….peeps give me plenty of room and I am thankful.

Work, go into lecy w/shop and hold my Royal Navy zippo up to GC’s face……‘’Mirror image’’ ( Clone )….’’Er….yea’’ GT is waiting in the our w/shop….‘’Stirl there is still time to withdraw your notice…RAGE……


HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU, I AM FINISHED HERE.

‘’ But…..DE recognises what could happen and steps in, result.Up to CBH for a cuppa and tab, sort what needs doing that day, sign off some stuff on the computer. DE ‘’ I’m gagging Stirl, fancy a cuppa ‘’….’’Aye’’.

Cuppa, tab, DE ‘’You off ‘ome then?’’…’’May as well’’ 0930, bye bye suckers.

Shower and change into some of my best gear and wait for opening time. Listen to soundtrack of Taxi Driver. Suddenly there is change

Out, adrenalin is pumping and I am high as a Button Boy, Northern Wall, landlord behind the bar, ‘’Pint Stirlin’’…’’Aye’’ pint proffered…’’Stirlin will pay for this later today when he flies in from LA’’….landlord exit stage left, tab….

Second pint, same response, tab. Spot some detritus giving tourists hassle from Wall window, pint off and approach them, slow, quiet info as to what they should do, they move on.

Walked the mile or so to city plod shop, stand outside and glare at them for a bit and back into town, spot Spread landlady but she manages to avoid me.

Into the Wall, by this time AS is behind the bar…..‘’Stirl wot the fcuk are you on ?, are ya gonna pay for these drinks’’……

hand him my credit card wallet and as he goes to the till I leave, bump into MM and bum a tab, walk the city walls and go home, get some shut eye.

1700..out, down to Rose and Crown, couple of mates in but I do not buy a drink, pick an argument with a total stranger and offer him out, landlord tells my mates to get me out of his pub…they drag me out and we make for the Spread, them complaining that I have ruined their evening.

Spread, unknown to me one of the two Rose lads tells landlady that I am about to explode and she calls plod, making a nuisance of myself and go for a lag, out the rear door of Spread, round the back of motor cycling clothing shop and back on the street.

Meat wagon screeches to a halt outside Spread so I quicken my step assuming there is trouble inside, landlady and assistant come out and scream at plod ‘’ He’s gone’’….

and there am I walking towards them, 2 plod grab me but I do not struggle as I know my rescue squad will spring me within the hour.

 

Second bit

Plod have the bells and whistles on and are going like bars of shit, I am thrown about like a rag doll, either they have another shout to go to or they want me locked up before the rescue squad can react.
Give my details to custody Sgt and hand over my belt, all I have is the clothes I am stood up in,ONE plod leads me to cell, shoes outside the door and clang I am banged up..Think Mossy think, if my troop are planning strategy I may have to wait till they take down the cell block, decide I need a nato standard and a tab so press the buzzer, no reaction, again, no reaction, lean with head against the buzzer for some time but still nothing, getting dark, what to do ?, kick the door, lay on my back and kick door repeatedly which antagonises the other inmates and they shout STFU, bollox to them I need a tab.
Door opens, at last someone is awake, mivvy stood outside the cell says he is a doctor and needs to ask me some questions, takes him about 5 minutes of scribbling down my responses and he leaves. What seems like about an hour cell door opens and 2 mivvys enter, one doing all the talking is another doctor, short fat ugly one does not say a word, just stands and looks at me like something he has trod in, I hope our paths cross again in the future, Chat over, they leave…..press buzzer, no reaction, I start to sing at the top of my voice anything and everything. Strip off and do some phys, hand stand push ups and press ups….have a birdy bath from the drink fountain above the bog and stick my gear back on. I get some shut eye and soon it is dawn, press buzzer, nowt, pace the cell as I am getting a tad pissed off with being ignored.
What must be mid morning cell door opens and 2 male mivvys dressed in nurse outfits enter, keep my guard up, they could be plain clothes plod doing a sneaky ops.They seem OK but the answers I give are well thought out and it passes the time, they leave. The adrenalin is starting to pump as I am really pissed off with plod, Being a resourceful ex Royal Navy Stoker I strip and bung up the bog with my clothes and repeatedly flush until the cell floor is swimming and water is seeping under cell door into passage, still no reaction, floor is really slippy now so fold plastic covered mattress into a third and knell on it propelling myself round cell like a bumper car banging on the door as I go. This does not last as underfloor heating is drying floor out, bugger. Go to get a drink from fountain and they have shut the water off…..
BASTARDS. Getting dark, I arrived here when it was light so have been banged up for over 24 hours.
Cell opens and I stand up, in steps Sgt and stands alongside me, a plod enters and stands by the door, another plod stands outside, I must be a real site in my speedos and all the horrible ink on my upper arms….enter what must be the youngest, vertically challenged plod they have on their books, he carries cuffs and a high viz boiler suit…’’Put this on’’…I smile at him and obey, poor thing is shaking like a shiting dog ‘’Put your arms behind your back’’…’’Fcuk off am not gonna do owt’’…Sgt…’’Put the cuffs on the front’’. I am led out and in the custody area is a mivvy carrying a brief case, he clocks me..’’Wot the fcuk are you lookin at’’

 

Third bit.
-
Into meat wagon and away, plod stops at filling station to gas up, they also buy scran and troff it before setting off again…RAGE. I check the traffic and a dark Range Rover overtakes us, then another.YES… the troop are here, now you are gonna get some plod, few more miles, where the fcuk are they ?.
On the road what seems like an hour..’’Where the fcuk are we goin’’..no response.
We eventually pull up outside this building and I am led into a basement lift by plod and one of the blokes from earlier in nurse outfit, could be an interrogation suite.
Up one floor and led into what looks like a hotel, into room with bed and not much else, cuffs removed and I strip off the high viz boiler suit and hand it to shortarse plod ‘’Thanks fer not feeding me fer last 24 hours’’
Lady mivvy comes into room carrying jim jams…’’Can you put these on please’’
JIM JAMS ?, I fcukin hate jim jams, the ones I was issued when I joined the Royal Navy training base and HAD to wear were float tested when I joined my first ship.
Lady mivvy says she has to give me a medical check up, WTF ?…I am fit as a butchers dog on speed, definition on all muscles from hard graft, a fine physical specimen. I lay on the bed to let her do her stuff, another lady mivvy pops her head in the door and asks if I would like some tea & toast…does a bear shit in the woods FFS.
Have observed that these 2 mivvys have I.D. tags, I am wary of this place. Demolish tea and toast, dare I ask for a tab?, it can wait. Lady mivvy finishes her examination and sits on bed to ask some questions, she is shaking slightly and seems nervous, you want to fcuk me don’t you lady, I snigger inwardly, Q&A over door is shut and locked but lights stay on, strip off jim jams and speedos and turn in, out like a light.
’Morning Richard’’….shit, they are using my real christian name which I hate, bloody good nights sleep though, ‘’Can you pop in the toilet and give me a specimen of urine before you eat breakfast’’… what would they want with a specimen of my piss ? probably to see what shit they can pump into me.
Bloody hell this is a posh place, looks like it has just been done out, wander down to where some other blokes are hanging about, geezer dressed in designer sports wear clocks me and says hello ‘’ Hiya, owz yer bum fer spots ?’’…1-0, I check the others, one in manky gear and the rest…..shit the fcukin bed….all in jim jams and spaced out to fcuk, I strip the top to show the ink, what do you think of that sporty twat…2-0.
‘’Richard put your top back on and sit down to breakfast’’…brekkie…ace.
Sporty shithead…’’ Richard eh ?’’….’’ No shit Sherlock’’…. 3-0.
Cornflakes and full English, scran is top. Every one wanders off and I follow, into this plush lounge and everyone is tabbin, sporty shithead offers me one ..3-1, uniform lights it for me as I have not had a tab for some 34 hours it is akin to 70’s era wacky baccy AAAACCCEEE.
Why is sporty shit head in all this designer wear?, and why can’t he afford his own lighter, if he is a plant as I suspect he is a damn fine actor. Everyone thins out after their tabs leaving me, manky gear who is getting some zeds in and sporty shithead.
Uniform at door lights a tab, has 4 pulls on it and hands it to me, ‘’ Finish this for me Richard’’…..Brahma,…. sporty shithead ‘’ amp yer gor owt wi yer?’’
‘’ Na mate, kem wi nowt’, am still wary of this bugger so will have to choose my answers carefully, he is jawing with the uniform about fcuk all and I take a stroll to recce the place, heavy steel door which must be the entrance, French doors out to a court yard, again heavyweight doors, long corridor leading to back entrance, steel again, rooms off this corridor, check one which has bed and posh furnishings but no one home, mahoosive TV lounge with big comfy sofas, ALL windows have bars, peer through as many windows trying to get an angle on this place, plod drove me here in the dark…..they could have gone round in a big arch and I am somewhere near York.
Uniform….’’Coffee Richard’’….’’Aye’’….I follow her back to smoke lounge and the place is heaving with uniform and a mivvy in civves rolling some tickler, cheapskate.
All the uniform are having a brew and tabbing, including the 2 from my cell visit in York, bugger, if I had known I would have bummed a smoke off them.
I give sporty shithead a nick name of SS which he is made up with, 3-2, ‘’Tab ?’’ 3-3.
PING god this took some time getting through, a lighter is a weapon that’s why there is only one. Uniform….’’Can I show you your room Richard’’….oh shit, now come the hyperdermics, room off corridor which I checked out earlier, this place is 3* but why ?, what are they prepping me for ?.
Lay on bed and concentrate, swing doors on my room which figures as you aint gonna get past the steel doors and all those bars, I’ve missed something, another recce, corridor leading to TV lounge has steel doors off with spy holes and all the doors are open, each one has a bloke in bed, all the spaced out ones I clocked at brekkie, shit, these poor bastards have already had the treatment, check spy hole in locked room and this geezer is staring at his door but his eyes are seeing nothing, I sense I am being clocked and go to TV lounge. Remote the 32 inch box, fcuk, chavs-r-us having a mank, switch, politician having a mank, switch, babe having a stroll in some nice countryside, this’ll do. Enter SS, ‘’ Wanna tab Dick’’..’’ Call me Dick once more and it’s end-ex for you pal’’ 4-3...’’Sorry mate’’…5-3 ‘’ Da yer wanna tab ?’’ 5-4..’’Aye’’
Smoke lounge, manky bastard has woke up, looks round and drops off again.
‘’Wots up wi that cnut?’’……’’Strong meds’’…6-4...SS has slipped up, win.
I am winning so far, turn away from watching eyes to give myself the regulation salute
Lick finger and touch head…..sizzle….I’m hot….bugger, stubble, check pits, I stink, down to hotel reception area ‘’Can I ave a bath and scrape’’….’’Scrape ?’’ ‘’Yer kno, shave’’ I am handed a plaggy Bic and soap, ‘’Return the razor to me when you have finished please’’….Yeah I know it’s a weapon, bathroom has only baths, I fill 2 to the brim, shave the Loads of face to wash then submerge in first bath, out and soap up, feeling perky so I knock one out, rinse in first bath and pull the plug, rinse in second bath, pull plug and dry off. Dress commando and crash out speedos, hang them on the rad in my room, oops, fred the todge keeps having a look through the fly hole of jim jams so I wear them back to front.
Return razor to reception, uniform is having a brew and I raise my eye brows…’’I will make you one Richard’’ slight reassuring touch to arm, god these people are pros with all their attentiveness , I am not fooled, softening me up for what’s to come, but I feel I am ready, never hit a lady in my life but I will take down some of these slightly built males when the shit eventually hit’s the fan. Go to smoke lounge and it’s deserted, am followed by female uniform, sit down and she offers me a tab, lights mine with the weapon and has one herself, I sense an inquisition so check the CD collection, all shite, tune the midi to Classic fm,
Wagner, ace, enter SS….’’Wots this shit’’… makes towards midi…’’Fcukin leave it’’
1-0...uniform…‘’ Richard’’, you are not fooling me with that longneck accent shithead, ..’’Tab’’…’’Just ad one’’ 2-0. Wants a convo, I piss off to my room to play music in my head, lay on bed and make like I am sleeping , start with the slow sax version of Taxi Driver theme, cheers Bernard, move onto Chicago’s debut album,
Intro…..just into Does anybody really know what time it is…’’Wakey wakey Richard,
lunch time’’, make like I have just woken with a start, yawn and make for dining area.
Shit, forgot it was sky pilot day, DO NOT LOOSE TRACK OF DAYS AGAIN !.
Enter all the poor inmates in jim jams, these blokes have been through some hell at the hands of these pro’s…..Ooh, roast hen and all the trimmings,
ace.Scran over, uniform from cell visit calls me into reception office, takes a fresh pack of baccy from drawer of desk and puts some in an envelope
with some papers and hands it over, ‘’This should keep you going’’, I am way ahead of you on this one matey, If I roll a match tab they will know I have been banged up before, obviously been doing some research and have come up empty 3-0.
Enter smoke lounge and make a real hash of trying to roll up, SS..’’Gis it ere’’….
‘’ Fcuk off I can manage’’ 4-0, the abortion is lit by weapon, ash and shit all over, sling it after one pull, before SS can make a move 5-0 uniform hands me her tab which she has just lit, give her the baccy, ‘’Can’t deal with this shit’’……‘’Fine Richard’’.
Gazing out the French windows my mind turns to the crew, lift to this floor had steel door opposite to hotel so must be another unit, could be a harder regime than here and unit snatched before me, yes that’s it, one of them will crack before me and I am done. I sense SS at the door of smoke lounge, enter 2 uniform from entrance with guy in cuffs, he starts to kick off and he is wrestled to the ground, SS runs over and starts kicking the shit out of 1 uniform, I am propelled forward by a uniform towards smoke lounge door and 2 more uniforms exit smoke lounge and tackle SS, smoke lounge door slams behind me, I sit down and laugh, classic farce to extract reaction from me.
SS played his part well but no cigar, after what seems an hour smoke room door opens and uniform sits down on chair at entrance, passive look for one second and break off.

 

4th bit

=
’Any tabs?’’……’’Just a moment Richard’’ she beckons someone, uniform I have never seen before, probably from other unit, says nothing but proffers tabs, ….
Park Drive !, a chest cutter at last,…’’Cheers bud’’..he exits and uniform at door strikes me up, PULL… yea this is what I needed…hit’s the spot in a nano.Nnnn.
Mystery uniform appears again and relieves seated uniform, she is back in a second
‘’We are having a coffee Richard, would you like one’’….’’Aye’’…coffee arrives and mystery uniform gets up and takes a seat in lounge, ‘’Richard ? you are from York I gather’’….’’Aye’’…’’Do you use that pub near the Station?’’…’’ Nope’’…..’’Where do you drink then ?’’…’’Spread’’….’’Sorry?’’ ‘’Spread Eagle on Walmgate’’…..
‘’Don’t know it’’……’’You should’’….reaches in his pocket and parks a Park in his gob, I raise my eyebrows and he smiles and hands me one….win.
More chat about ale, will keep this guy onside for more PD’s, I have won this round as the staged farce did not produce the goods they wanted, I need to plan, yawn and exit lounge, lady uniform….’’Going for a lie down Richard’’….’’Aye’’.
Crash on pit and face wall, pain threshold - check -moves - check -passive – check . Give it an hour on pit then do some phys. Back to smoke lounge, mystery uniform has gone…bugger, gaze out of window and rummage the memories..
Cackle cackle….lady uniform ‘’What have you seen Richard’’…’’ Bugger all, just browsing’’, other lady uniform pop’s her head in door…’’Supper’’, time flies when you win.
As expected SS is a no show at supper, finish and uniform counts cutlery, counts again then finds stray spoon under table. Smoke room deserted so I crank up the midi
‘’Richard !’’….’’Amp dun owt’’…’’Turn it down please’’…’’Sorted’’
Tunes for an hour…brew brought in…’’Cheers’’…’’Can I ave a tab befor bed’’
strike up and rummage memories, keep the laffs locked in.
Monday, SS reappears blah blah blah, no sign of mystery uniform, recce, a second steel door room is locked, geezer I don’t recognise. Day passes.
Tuesday, after brekkie, much buzzing about by all uniforms, in smoke lounge I pump SS….’’Wot gives?’’….’’Con rounds’’….’’Con ?’’…’’Consultant’’…………….
Consultant ?, consultant what, stick my head out of door, tall lady mivvy talking to uniform, shit she is taller than me, look at door uniform and raise eyebrows…….
‘’Consultant rounds today Richard, we will call you in in turn’’
Sooo grilling from tall mivvy Dr L,fourth one in and I am ready, stroll into TV lounge looking the bloke, ALL minions are seated one side, some with manila file jackets bulging with paper, these buggers are pro’s, tall Dr L sat opposite them with empty chair in front of her…..’’sit down please Richard’’…I clock Dr L………………..
Wowser, this is some lady, about 50 and bloody stunning, no make-up, she did not need any, wearing a real classy skirt suit, 3 inch heels and what I believe are hold ups, try to ignore the thoughts in my head and I am failing, she is into her first question and I battle hard, she crosses her legs at end of question, shit….THAT sound of nylon on nylon…
‘’G…clones ? wot clones ?’’…..’’The clones you alluded to in your cell when my staff interviewed you’’….you dumb dumb schmuk, they found a crack, more Q&A bat them back with some success, damn she is good, Q&A over, she is up 2-5.‘’Can we get some attire for Richard ?, I am sure he is not comfortable in bed clothes’’ 2-6.
PING, …..THEY brought up the clones, crew has been through the mill, ………have…..to…..make…..good.
Smoke lounge and mystery uniform is in the chair, ‘’Hi Richard’’…eyebrows….
he chuckles and gives me a FULL pack of PD’s, shit the bed do I need this. PULL.yeah !. Babe interviewer from first night pops head in door…..’’Can you come to the office Richard’’….’’Aye…just finish me tab’’go to office, babe…’’We start your treatment today….nurse will deal with you’’ treatment ?, TREATment’’.. NURSE ?
WTF, uniform hands me a pill ‘’Pop this in Richard’’….’’Top or bopum?’’…she giggles and gives me a playfull dig on my arm ‘’Top !’’….
…bugger, pop the bastard and see the outcome .Scran, shit my neck is stiff, need some phys after tab, in lounge I ….shit there it goes again, I roll the head round and feel pain in skull, SS ..’’Ok Richard ?’’…….
‘’Yeah’’ drop my chin onto my chest and some relief, bugger it’s started, any minute I will be next door, SHIT I can’t raise my head, airways are
becoming restricted whole neck is tight, ‘’Richard?’’…’’RICHARD ?’’…’’ BLOODY ELL RICHARD’’…SS has picked me up out of the chair and dragging me out the door…’’E’s REACTIN
REACTIN’’…E’S REACTIN BLOODY ELP IM’’ my eyes are glazing over and someone is forcing my mouth open and stuffing something down my throat………
airways restricting even more…DON’T PASS OUT YOU BASTARD..THAT’S WHAT THEY WANT.
sharp pain in my arse, shit, hypo….blank.I eventually come to and I am on my back next to the French windows…THEY ARE OPEN…Babe is checking me over with steth I see her mouth moving but cannot hear her, 2 uniform stood over me..the cold fresh air hits me and I convulse…back arches and WHOOSH air floods into lungs..babe still checking me over and now her voice is coming through…’’His heart is stabilising and breathing is shallow but increasing’’-
TALK TO ME NOT TO THEM….urghhh.’’Richard are you back with us ?..can you sit up’’check check uhf check, I catch a whiff of something familiar, it is babe……
Oh yes, I am back…I sit up..aided by babe..uniform holds a cup to my lips……
‘’Drink this Richard, steady’’….puh..’’A don’t tek shugga’’…’’ drink Richard it will do you good’’ they help me to my feet..’’Let’s get you sat down’’ they help me along the passage CLANG, French doors shut, into lounge and SS is sat with his head in his hands..he jumps up..’’Is e awrite?’’…’’ yes, big strong boy, arnt you Richard’’…….
wouldn’t you like to know..SS ‘’ Bloody Yorkies, allus fallin ower’’..he grins, I glare. Mossy Mossy shit...what was that..someone in my head calling me Mossy...NO ONE CALLS ME MOSSY ...THAT IS MY ONLY TAG THAT NO ONE KNOWS
I still feel exhausted..I thin….shit transmissions again, It’s changed..what was that…Hello Mossy, Hello…..the pills, one was a capsule, bugger they have got me….
Need music…in a heart full of dust lives a creature called lust, it surprises and scares like me like me My name Iso……shit shit….more transmissions and I can’t stop them A…un..fckin..believable…I feel a tear on my cheek. Mossy…mossy……….
FCUK..PD time..SS ‘’Can a try won o them’’ I oblige, we strike up…he he ..coughin is lungs up…’’Mans smoke…you fckin longnecks r a showa a shit’’ SS laffs….. shit I forgot to keep score in all this haze, ah fcuk it..SS still coughing….cackle cackle
‘’Gis it ere…arl smoke it’’…sure yer not a split’’……banter, with this cnut.
I go to town on the 2 PD’s PULL PULL PULL PULL ……Nnnnnnnnnnnnice……….
SS is gob smacked..’’Awright yoo win’’…I won with you first day pal.. mossy mossy
Day passes. bloody shattered, hit my pit and I am out like a light……………………
Wake….pit is soaking wet, check, havn’t swamped thi…mossy……………………..
It must be……mossy I’m here…………No No No No No No No……NO…………
Bang my head on wall as many times as I can stand, mossy…bang the head and get into a rhythm fcuk… blood, carry on with banging….lights come on MU and other uniform race in, grab me and hold me down ‘’RICHARD CALM DOWN’’…..
‘’RICHARD’’…I slump on the bed, ‘’For god sake tell me where I am…..
Another uniform comes in with a wheelchair, they take me down to smoke room, MU gives me a cup of juice and grabs my head gently, rocking it from side to side, MU
‘’Richard you need to know some things’’….Babe rushes in from nowhere bleary eyed, MU ‘’I think we have calmed him….okay if we handle this, there is another call in non secure‘’…. can’t believe what he is saying, hands are shaking, we have a smoke and he tells me about the unit,hospital, my illness, medication and reaction times depending on metabolism, my reactions and why, the staff, how long I could be here and why on and on I take it all in and sit for a while to ask…my..self. Other uniform comes in with coffee, milky and sweet, ‘’Richard, I am out of cigarettes, can I get yours from your room?’’ I look at him and he raises eyebrows…I laugh, he comes back with OUR tabs and we light up, he asks me again about York pubs and we chat for what seems like ages, we both raise eyebrows in unison ‘’One more’’To bed and I am shattered, I dream, how long since I dreamt, did I dream?

 

5th bit
-

CHEADLE ROYAL HOSPITAL
-
Light ?
Shit that was quick, it feels I have only been asleep for five minutes, wonder what time it is? door opens, unif…nurse standing in the door ‘’And what a pretty site we are this morning, you need a bath Richard’’..’’What time is it’’.’’Brekky in 15 mins’’
I go to bath room, bugger, she is right, plaster on my head, do not remember that being applied, I pull it off, dried blood on cut to head I bath quickly, STARVING, jump out of bath, WHOA , still on half speed.All the nurses I have come across have name tags and keys on chains, I shut all this out before so no clutter, I am still not sure and go over what nurse MU told me.
Shit the bed, no job,no house keys, no wallet,…where is that, bugger, no clothes, I look down at my feet, shoes, my shoes, only they are not like they should be, scuffs and marks all over them
I need to recce this place again, I had heard stories about mental hospitals before and it was not good, this place is different, jeez it’s posh, I had missed so much on my earlier recce’s, WHOA shit the bed this medication is strong. Still can’t see much of the hospital from the windows, enter TV lounge and sit down, wow this settee is comfy , never noticed that first time round, my eyes start to close, REM still there, not tired now as before and I take some time to think…credit card wallet, had it with me I think on Friday…FRIDAY…seems like weeks ago..what day is it today ?..what ever..PING credit card wallet is in Northern Wall..ah, AS will keep it safe I am sure. A nurse enters ‘’Tea ?..we are in the smoke lounge’’
I follow, she stops at a small kitchen….I don’t remember a kitchen, ‘’do you like it strong Richard’’..’’Yes please’’..inward cackle, when was the last time you said please Mossy ?..Mossy?…Mossy is back. I have to try and manage this ‘’new’’ speed my body now has, I shake my head…Mossy, you have a lot of catching up to do. Lounge, SS…that will have to change ‘’You r not SS any more, hello Long neck twat’’..he spurts tea all over his bezzy gear…LN..’’You cnut’’..’’Gis a tab’’.. ‘’ Bugger off’’..’’Goo on’’ he laffs and throws a B&H at me..’’A ope yer gonna send me some tabs wen ya get aht’’ ‘’Cors’’…nurse on strike duty ‘’My 10 year old is better behaved than you 2’’. Hang on, LN said when I get out ?, nurse MU said some thing about a month….
‘’Nurse, when do I leave here?’’…‘’You need another appraisal Richard from the Doctors first, one thing at a time’’..’’Thank you’’..politeness again,yes A LOT of catching up. LN..’’Wish a cud get aht’’.. LN tells me this is his ninth time in here, likes his ale, who doesn’t, always scrapping, another thing I missed, small scars on his shaved dome. Music, lets have some music, I skeg the six cd’s, LN ‘’In there mate’’ he is pointing to a drawer beneath the cabinet, open drawer, Oh yes there is tons of stuff in here, ‘’Elvis?’’..’’Aye, that’ll do’’.. low volume, LN has nodded off, Have another look around, I have been in dock before in York for a small op but this place beats the pants off it,thorough looksy NHS ?, where have they been hiding this place?. Another thing, all the staff smile at you whenever your paths cross and are really attentive, ..’’Lunch time’’
Oh no, no no, all the zombies, correction, patients are being led to the dining area, pooh, these people are in a worse, if that’s the word, state than LN, but Mossy, what a place to be in, this care is something else, er well think dickhead, how many hospitals have you been in that care for mentally ill patients?..good point.
‘’Wots this nurse’’, ‘’Steak pie Richard’’ I sit ,wodge of pie with veg and mash LOADS of gravy, mmm..mmm. I look across at the server, ‘’is the..’’…she reads my mind..’’Would you like some more Richard’’..’’Yes please’’, stonkin great wodge of pie plonked on my plate.
.Other patients are onto pud, I skeg my plate, will have to get a skate on, I might miss pud,.I look across again at server, she reads my mind again..’’don’t worry Richard I have saved you some sweet’’…this place continues to surprise.
Another slip up, I think I left my PD’s with nurse mystery, check my room drawer,Ah, 4 left…………………
New older nurse on strike, ‘’Want one a these Necky Twat’’..’’Yer fckin jestin’’…’’ Language’……………..
I give LN puzzled look, he mouths…vinega tits. Sorted, first PD of day…..PULLLL…YAA..skeg LN………
shaking his head…he mouths fckn Yorkies. Yes I will take that win.
LN is making signs at VT when she is not looking, he is a.bloody card this lad…..for a long neck……………
‘’Werd ya say yer wa from again’’.he puts his arms up in salute ‘’WIGAN’’..I mouth ..fkn pie eeta…middle finger.
Once everyone thins out we have the place to our selves and LN sits next to me and explains at length that when he gets out again he is going to septic land to join the Mafia, I shed an inward tear for this guy.
In between verbal jousts with LN in lounge I continue to look around, it really is a hotel for damaged, if that’s the word, people with attentive care, good scran AND good company, the guy I dubbed manky on arrival here uses the lounge for one tab after meals then goes to his room to sleep, this day I notice that while he is tabbing a wet patch appears on his leg and inform nurse, ‘’oh KH look at yourself’’, poor guy is somewhere else as he hasn’t even noticed, he is helped to his feet and led out,he has never uttered a word since I have been here.
Sunday,is it really Sunday?, I feel I have lost a day somewhere, after dinner, French doors are opened and 2 nurses go outside into the small square, as I pass…’’Fresh air Richard ?’’..’’Wow, I go out and look up, what a magnificent building, Victorian, with all the tall chimneys and other shit you would find in architecture of that era, LN tabs me’’Cheers mate’’, reckon I owe him about 100 tabs so far. A car pulls up in the small square opposite, 80’s era Merc SL350, out pops Dr L in her casual wear, ‘’Hello everyone’’she is back in a mo,
briefcase??, behave Mossy…anyhow perfect car for the perfect lady……I’m in love…cackle cackle.
Monday comes and goes without much incident, apart from a new guy has arrived and he is in the lounge after dinner, he nods..’’Yup’’..a new language…I respond…’’Aye yup’’..he nods so we already understand each other, LN..’EH up’’..’’Yup’’LN delivers a playfull punch to newbies arm..LN..’’Richard, this is Paul Lamb,e wer in last month before you kem’’ PL nods..LN..’’Richard kem last week, kem wi nowt’’ PL looks up and gives me eyebrows, I nod, yep we speak the same language, produces baccy from pocket and swiftly rolls a match and offers it to me, ‘’Ya shewer’’…nod…I am not a rollup fan but this is sweet and gives a good hit, I look up
‘’Yup?’’ I nod..he nods. I like this bloke…’’Where?’’..PL ..’’Gleadless’’..I nod, he uses long words aswell
He gives a smile and slowly rocks his head from side to side, I give a long slow nod, LN ‘’wot the fcuk a ews on’’ I translate..’’He sed its ok wer e livs’’….PL nods twice, LN ‘’e niva tawks at me like at’’ PL and I face each other and nod twice grinning, LN ‘’Stop tekin piss u 2’’…more nods from me and PL, we have tied LN up in knots, LN ‘’Ya fkn mad u 2’’ PL and I raise eyebrows as far as we can stretch them……….and nod
‘’Fck off u 2.…shake of heads.LN..’’Am goin fer a lag’..PL’’’’Keep it goin’’..he peeks out of door waiting for LN to exit bog, rushes back to seat, we continue the eyebrows and series of nods, shake of heads and begin using a series of small hand signals..LN..’’Sop tekin piss’’..PL..’’US ?..niver’’…’’Gis a tab’’…’’Fck off’..PL leaves lounge and comes back with envelope, looks at me and points to seat alongside him, I think he senses my dislike of rollups but shows a quick guide to rolling a match then puts a wad of fresh tickler in envelope with some papers and hands it to me I practice a roll match, he nods,PL and I continue our ‘’conversation’’ over the days till Tuesday, TUESDAY, all the patients have their appointments with Dr L…..apart from me, I ask nurse on strike why..’’Not today Richard’’ I turn and PL stands up to give me a high five, for once I speak..’’Ya cn fck off wi that septic shite’’..he nods.LN enters and immediately leaves, after a minute I check his room, he is on pit blubbing like a bairn, bad news I think.

 

6th bit
-
Days pass, at the end of my second week babe asks me to get my things together for transfer to non-secure, I ask why, she informs me that as I have responded well to medication the transfer is due. We exit front entrance into lift lobby and enter opposite steel door, this place has not yet had a re-furb as secure but hosts similar facilities. In here I am sharing a room with a young goth, he enters while I am sorting out what little gear I have, ‘’Hi,I am going to the smoke room, will you join us’’ he proffers tabs, I am introduced to other folk, they all have their own personal strike.
Nurse calls me into office and draws some petty cash, ‘I understand you have no money or any means of acquiring any so we will get you some smokes’
We enter lift and up 2 floors into a lounge with a small charity shop, they only have Mayfair full strength, no complaints from me, back down to NS ward. I make myself a coffee in the kitchen and go back to smoke room for a tab, nurse offers to take me for some fresh air when I have finished my smoke.
No bars on windows in NS ward and no locked doors apart from one leading to lift, out side I get my first glimpse of the whole hospital, wow, magnificent architecture, it being mid April nature is budding out all over, we tour the grounds that stretch to some 5 acres, nurse points out some outbuildings…’’ Private patients’’..private ?.
It transpires that I am the only one on the ward who has a section order, others are self harmers who need some care and voluntary patients, scran is on a par with secure ward but cutlery is still counted. In secure ward there were books and mags to read but I never bothered, here there are all the daily red tops, I pick one up for a skeg but can’t focus on the small print,move paper closer and eyes try to refocus, my eyes are behaving like the original auto focus camera lens…strong stuff this medication, I turn on the radio, Madonna’s latest, Frozen, never been a fan of hers apart from the videos but this one hits home, her voice seems different, lower tone and more passion, in the top ten and is played often and it really grows with each listen, I choose this song as a reminder for later.First night sleep is difficult with the constant REM, plus young goth snores, I lob a pillow and it hits home, he wakes….’’Wha..’’…’’Give it a rest wit snoring’’..’’Bu…sorry Richard’’, couple of days later a patient is discharged and he moves into single room.Nurse who took me out for fresh air brings in a lighter for me, not just any lighter but a solid brass USMC with birdy-on-the-ball inscription, turns out he is a collector and has Zippos and shit from across the globe, has 4 USMC and says he will not miss this particular one…….the care,attention….I well up almost every day.
I am allowed exercise in the grounds without escort and discover the boundary of the hospital opens out onto a major road, across the road is a large supermarket and I pop across for a skeg, pointless really as I have no funds but it is a bit of an escape. Every day the other patients mank about the only tabs on offer are Mayfair FS, I volunteer to do a shop for them at the supermarket ( I am the only one that ventures out without escort) each trip costs them 10 tabs for me, back on Marlboro Red, win.
One day nurse asks if I play snooker, nope but I will join him anyway, another patient tags along and we go to the private wing, inside it is very plush, 4* I would say but the place is deserted, nurse has a chat with guy in small reception room and offski to snooker room, 2 full size tables which look brand new, nurse and other patient rack up and have a game while I watch, loads of banter, we could be anywhere but a hospital.
I ask nurse when we leave where all the patients are..’’In their rooms watching daytime TV, they take all meals in their room aswell, never venture out’’……they are paying top dollar to stay in the place and never use its facilities, mind boggles, well as far as a mind can boggle under medication.
After my first week LN is transferred in and is made up, first time he has been in the place but strangely he never takes any exercise, I volunteer to take him for a stroll but he knocks me back, good to have him around though as he has become a real mucker.
My last week and I have my final appointment with Dr L, I ask if she will write to my former employer and request if I could be re-instated, she agrees, shame I will not be seeing her again. My last day and ambulance arrives to take me home, all staff and patients come out to see me off. I have to say I have never been treated with so much respect and care by such dedicated people…………….anywhere.
Chapter 2

ounHome, I visit Spread just to say hello and T gives me a big hug, next Northern Wall, luckily AS is behind the bar..’’STIRLIN’’ he pumps my hand for about 10 seconds…‘’I have something for you’’..he goes to drawer below till and hands me my credit card wallet, inside it is £150, I did not have any money on me the day I was sectioned, I order AND pay for a J20, putting a pint in for AS on his next break, we tab up and talk of the old days (his grand mother ran one of my former locals in Fulford, a suburb of York) not once does my month long absence crop up, they broke the mould when they made AS. Landlord appears, I apologise for the trouble I caused in his pub…’’You’ve never caused trouble in my pub Stirlin’’, another J20 and tab then home to sort out my new life as an unemployed layabout.
First thing on the agenda is to write to the Chief Constable of North Yorkshire to complain about my treatment at the hands of his officers, he replies saying there is no record of me ever having been in his custody suite……Oh really!, so the guy that was interviewed in his cells by consultant, GP and 2 psych nurses must have been a clone.
What little respect I still have for plod has now gone. Second, I go to UofY at T break time,all the lads are pleased to see me, again my month long absence never crops up, I show a small card to GC with address details of Cheadle Royal, raised eyebrows but no comment , I try to catch the eye of smelly work shy but he isn’t having any, GT comes in at end of T break and for once his communication is good, takes me over to see big cheese where I ask to be re-instated, no joy, maybe they will change their minds when they receive letter from Dr L
Chat with ML the charge hand then home
First chat with 2 CPN’s, older guy DW and young guy MK who I recognise from my Thursday nights up town, he is the brother of a mates girlfriend and at the time we had a convo about cycling, one of my former passions, MK will be my CPN, DW is there on this first visit as mentor. I busy myself with scrubbing off all the shit I had scrawled on the walls of my flat whilst ill, some funny ,the majority scary as fcuk, I laugh to myself, I am sure the 2 CPN’s wanted a read but were too polite. During the next few days before my first appointment with York consultant I visit all the pubs I have used in the past (quaffing pints of lime & soda) to apologise to peeps for my behaviour on the day I was sectioned and the fraught months before I was taken off the streets, 12 years on I have yet to catch up with the guy in the Rose & Crown who I tried to call out on the day of section order, probably a contract worker from another city.
Sleep is almost non existent, 30 mins here, an hour there, I am rising from my pit later and later, I quickly fall into a routine, staying up late and reading ceefax on the box, I have to read each page over and over to take it all in as concentration is difficult.
One good thing, for those who have never smoked ,if you have a long interval between each tab say 10 hours, the first pull of the day is a real hit, have decided to switch from Marlboro Red to Mayfair FS, they are much cheaper, rough on the throat but give a better hit and going to bed at 0200 and rising at 1400 does the trick.
First appointment with Dr S, I immediately burst into tears and every thing floods out, my drinking ,behaviour, family, early life, adult life, she gives me a script for Prozac and I rush to chemist to have it filled, even though Dr S has explained that Prozac can take up to 21 days before any effect this has not sunk in. A month passes and I feel no difference, another drug is tried and still nothing, finally Prozac and Lithium combined, I do not feel these are having any effect .

 

7th bit
-
When the lithium finally kicked in I rose from my pit one day and my legs collapsed under me, it felt as if I had drunk about 5 pints and was mellow, it gives what some call the ‘letter box’ effect, you occupy this thin band where you never stray above the upper limit and become hyper and never drop below the lower limit and become depressed, it did not stop the tears almost every night as I go over and over all the abuse I gave my body resulting in the state I am in now. I will never recover fully and the problems could become a whole lot worse with age.
Lithium can be lethal if you get the dose wrong, knackers renal function among other things so regular blood checks at York District Hospital to ensure levels are safe.
On my first visit to YDH I sense the male nurse is reading my ink as he goes about his work, ‘’Spread Eagle eh, cracking pub’’.’’Was, went down rapidly when AW left, the incoming Landlord, MD, employed by Mansfield Brewery did his best but it now being a managed house he had to tow the line, after 2 years he had had enough and took up with Carlsberg-Tetley, after him, well the less said the better’’…’’Yes, I did hear that, have not been in since the departure of MD’’’’You are not missing anything’’ Lithium seemed ok to begin with as I was in this permanent ‘5 pint stupor’ which cost zilch of my incapacity benefit. Interesting side effects depending on your metabolism, with me it was pensioners bladder, you shake the thing after a lag, pop it back in your strides and it squirts pee after about ten seconds, try to remedy this by shaking twice, wait ten seconds and shake again, pop it back in and you think you have won, minute later SQUIRT, I was changing my nicks twice a day and the brass zips on my jeans had all turned green. Walking by these hog roast shops the smell of roast meats drives you into the shop, now I was baulking, fancied a sausage roll from Cooplands bakers one day and spat it out as it tasted fowl. Also chronic insomnia, chronic constipation remedied slightly by drinking a litre of orange juice per day, tastebuds all to cock as was sense of smell, Limb motors taking the piss by not stepping where your brain wants you to go, bit like when you are in a foreign place looking up at the architecture and walking off the end of an unseen pavement, It would normally hit only one leg and that was manageable, being mischievous it would hit both legs and you are in a snotty heap on the deck. First time I saw the funny side but after that it became embarrassing as folks thought you were pissed, if only. And you forget, under normal circumstances when you rise for a lag first thing in the morning you are a little unsteady on your feet for a few seconds, lithium influence takes one leg out and you end up head butting the wall, or not, some days everything is ok lulling you into a false sense of security , next day ok then wall says hello again, the frequency of lost limb syndrome alters from one day to the next, it lets you take a step or two before the limb is taken out, sometimes left sometimes right and so on. Worst of all weight gain, I had been a steady 12st 2lbs for years, all through the heavy drinking that figure never altered, now I was starting to balloon.
I hate being over weight, getting into bed one night I tuck my legs up and my knees are touching my belly, plus I have to buy new gear as nothing fits anymore, people I know give me a second glance as they cannot believe the transformation, one cracks that I must be visiting my brother in Wigan (pie eaters) too often.
Lithium does help me cope with daily life, I am no longer a threat to Joe Public any more, or am I. From around 1992 I had occasional ’flashes’ to the brain to do people serious physical harm, a nano second and it has gone, they occur about once or twice a year, usually when I am speaking to folks but I pass it off as something that occurs with middle age. Since the start of medication they now occur about every three months but now it is as I pass anyone in the street, be they folks I know, strangers, men, women, children, the urge is there and then immediately counteracted. Decent weather now so the CPN visits were done outside sat by the cut where my flat was, later in the year we moved inside which was a trial as I did not want anyone invading my space, still don’t to this day. Have lived in this council flat for 8 years and apart from the yearly check on my gas boiler and my CPN no one else has ever been allowed in, even the communicator to the outside security door is turned off, I turn it on 10 minutes before CPN arrives and off again when he has gone, good idea really as any visitors to the other 5 flats finding their pals not at home will buzz you to ask where they are. During my service in the Royal Navy my write ups often mentioned the fact that I was sullen and moody. The six year relationship I had with F failed because of my moods, and the drink. After my third appointment with York consultant she informs me that I have probably suffered from depression from an early age, stemming from the fact, among other things, that I never knew my father (he died when I was 2 years old) and my 9 elder brothers and sisters all had fond memories of him, she is probably right.
I have now gained 2 stone and it is doing my head in, lithium helps your mood but it fails sometimes when I am worrying about being 14st-2lb and my ideal weight should be 12st-2lb.The months drag on, only venturing out for essentials, even stopped buying the daily paper as it takes ages ploughing through it having to read everything at least 3 times. Yes ,concentration is severely limited, the mind wanders off at a tangent which is really frustrating when you have settled in front of the tele to watch a film and miss whole chunks of it cos your mind is elsewhere, you watch the screen but see nothing. Conversations with people I know quickly peter out as I lose interest in what they are saying, even my CPN. I have always had a passion for photography, buy a camera, use it a couple of times then it gathers dust, upgrade to newer model, same result, even writing this can be a pain so I take regular breaks.
About a year after my discharge from Cheadle (March 99) CPN asks if I would consider visiting Moorside training centre with a view to taking up a course in catering or IT to NVQ levels, I refuse as I consider I am not ready. 3 months later my consultant suggests a different form of treatment as my recovery has stalled, electric headphones, no thank you. October of that year I reluctantly agree to visit Moorside and sign up for an IT course, I hate the first session but thereafter take to it like a duck to water. Moorside started life in the founders front room, her son had learning difficulties and she would teach others with similar problems, each premises she used quickly became overcrowded and lottery grant applied for and granted gave the purpose built centre we see today. Not only catering and IT were taught, the severest cases had their own workshop where they made soft toys and such, sold on to boost the funding. A mentor at Moorside also taught at Target Training, the Learn Direct facility in the centre of town and he suggested I try a course there, as it was a stones throw from my flat I agreed. Target consisted of 2 rooms, largest of which with 20 PC’s taught the LD side and a smaller room which was an off-shoot of Selby College with 12 PC’s teaching ECDL syllabus. I was signed up for a massive 21 element LD course which I studied in the mornings and ECDL and CV workshops in the afternoons, life was starting to look up at last.I was enjoying life back in society, full time learning at Target, one afternoon a week at Moorside where I had begun to back up the busy tutors as well as my learning. ECDL was difficult to follow, the learning material was not good, frustrating for the 2 tutors S&R as apart from the tutor duties the facility was a recognised ECDL test centre and they had to split an already heavy tutor schedule with setting up the tests, marking and sending off completed course material to ECDL HQ for verification and awarding of pass certificates and ECDL ‘passports’.
I passed ECDL with some difficulty but achieved nothing less than 90% in the LD tests. Target courses now finished I was a tad lost as to what to do next, still attended Moorside once a week but that was not enough.
New year, was it really 2001, I was approached by tutor and mentor at Moorside asking if I would consider doing full time voluntary tutor duties in the ECDL suite to assist S&R, would I. I soon realised that this would not be an easy task as the complicated learning material was still in use. One day a student brought in a book ‘’How to learn and pass ECDL’’she had purchased ,this was the answer to our prayers, easy to follow with practise tests at every stage, funding from Selby College to purchase 12 books, one to accompany each PC was immediately available.
Now I was a spare part, very little tutoring needed as the students rarely raised their eyes from the new teaching material and S&R could concentrate on setting the official tests and marking same. Again I was to be rescued, Chairman of Target invited me to tutor LD students in the main facility, still voluntary as funding was tight, dead mans shoes for a paid post.

 

8th bit
-
June 2001, an appointment with DR S the York consultant, I asked if it would be possible to be taken off medication as the Lithium induced limb malfunctions were becoming embarrassing in my work environment , as I was showing signs of recovery she agreed to a trial period, that trial period is still in force today. I had witnessed others mixing alcohol with medication and it was not a pretty site so I waited a week to give the meds time to be flushed out of my system before going for my first pint in 3 years. GD from Target tagged along for support, GD had become a great friend and after work on Fridays we would go for a pint, accompanied on occasion by GD’s lady. One particular night a nosy, ear wigging armchair psychologist asked me how much I used to drink per night before I was sectioned, GD turned away giggling as he knew what was coming, ‘’I was in the pub to drink not to count’’…’’but in answer to your query I did find out what my daily consumption was quite by accident, I always have one tab per pint, leaving work one day I was out of tabs so bought some from the offy across the road, on returning home I opened my pack of tabs to have one before bed…6 left in the pack’’
‘’Now Foxtrot Oscar’’…’’Sorry ?’’….GD…’’FCUK OFF’
I had also begun a regular Thursday night session with GS my best mate and GA whom I had known since I first started work at UofY, only 6 pints as we did not meet until 2100, one night as I was walking home via the fast food outlet I had quickened my step to beat the rush for food at kicking out time. I passed by my CPN and quite honestly did not see him, next I was up before my consultant for a rollicking, she accepted my explanation but warned me not over indulge. CPN visits were now done at Target and I told MK that I refused to see him again as he had dropped me in the shit, a compromise, Dr S suggested I take up with DW as my CPN and I agreed, one of the best moves I ever made, DW never broached the subject of my illness unless I brought it up, just two geezers chatting about blerk stuff. October I met and started a relationship with S, she had a Masters degree in social psychology so girlfriend and mentor in one gorgeous little package. Also at this time I had started to apply for junior admin posts, all rejected, too honest for my own good. GD and his lady plus me and S were having some great laffs together in the Spread on Friday nights and life seemed good. Chairman of Target informed me that he was looking to open a smaller training centre in the suburbs and he would offer me the post as manager, paid employment at last
. The only blot on the landscape being my flat, the state paid the interest on my mortgage and a small allowance towards the maintenance charges, as these were now a crippling £1200 per year this could not continue, reluctantly I put the house on the market. Xmas with S and her 2 sons plus a party celebration in the Spread for my 50th birthday, all arranged and paid for by S. Early March and arriving for work one day I am greeted by glum faces, Chairman takes me aside and informs me that GD had died over the w/end, autopsy revealed a heart defect that would not have been detected, even by scan. I had only ever attended one funeral before, that of my mother, I attended GD’s, place was packed, in the pub afterwards his father remarked that he had never known his son was so popular. The death of GD hit me hard, I no longer had the meds as a crutch but I did have drink, well as much as I could afford on benefits, I hate cider but it is and still is the cheapest alcohol you can buy. The sale of the flat went through and I stayed with S for a while as my CPN kicked council backsides to get me the flat I occupy now. It was a shithole but it was my shithole. The day I moved in Chairman of Target asked me to take the reigns of the new IT suite a stones throw from my new flat, I could not commit as I needed to get the flat into some sort of shape, another local guy got the nod. 3 weeks of slog and the flat was looking the way I wanted it, but it must have been my unlucky month as S and I split up. After taxes I came away with about £ 15,000 from the flat sale, my bank god bless them had given me a loan in 99 to pay off my credit card and other debts, paying off the loan, paint, new fitted carpets, new cooker, washer, fridge and Sony 32” TV I was left with about £ 8,000 and we know were that was going to end up. I changed my drinking location often as there were far too many nosy peeps around who would strike up a conversation just to know your business. Luckily the money ran out swiftly which was just as well as the flashes were becoming more frequent. I still had my B&O audio, the only thing I had not sold for beer money, some things are irreplaceable…music soothes and I was getting by, just. Mid 2002 the flashes were appearing more often so daily life was becoming difficult, I wanted to tell my CPN but after he reported back to Dr S the trial period of no meds would probably be looked at again. Meds did help as they keep you at a steady level but the thought of all the debilitating side effects was off putting . Not once did I consider that drink was playing a part, in fact I had started to eat more fresh fruit and veg, cheap compared to the packaged instant food I had been consuming, this left more cash for booze.
My intake at the time was only 10 pints per week, it is said that if you have intervals between drink the brain can re-coup any lost cells, fine if you have not already done a huge amount of irreparable damage. My metabolism must be quite unique as the harmful effects of drink seems to have all been shunted to my brain, blokes around my age who I drank with in the 70’s are still putting vast amounts away with no sign of mental damage, liver yes, brain no. To repeat it never occurred to me that drink could be the cause of the increase in flashes.
Walking home one night I had a flash as a young chav was passing me, he had done nothing wrong, just in the wrong place at the wrong time , one punch to the stomach and he was writhing in agony, being sick all over the grass verge, I feared recriminations from his associates (quite rightly) and made it home as quick as I could.
What to do, I stayed up all night searching for answers , should I mention it to my CPN ? , he would have to report it to Dr S, would she be duty bound to report it to plod ?, it was wrong but selfishly I decide to keep quiet, the incident haunts me even today. I think back to Cheadle and when the ’voice’ first appeared calling out Mossy, was this where delusions were at an ebb due to being starved of booze ? , or the meds taking over?. Would the ‘’voice’ reappear to give me guidance ?. I decide to spill the beans to my CPN on his next visit but concentration levels being what they are I cannot put in to words what I want to say, or am I just being chicken ?. I seek out a wise old owl and ask his opinion ,’’ keep schtum matey’’
I walk past where the incident took place some days later and the seagulls and other birds have cleared the pavement pizza, I cannot remember the young guys face and feel I have been lucky to get away with no recriminations. Now I am even more cautious when leaving the house, shop as soon as supermarket opens to avoid people and my only contact with the outside world being DW. Is this to be my whole life from hereon in ?, I cannot find an answer. Yes I am stupid for not seeking professional help but I fear that I will blurt out the truth about the flashes and what they are encouraging me to do and risk permanent section order. I ask CPN if such thoughts had shown in other patients, he immediately books me a visit with Dr S who advises that they are irrational thoughts and I should not worry, me worry ,I was asking about other patients Dr…’’No Mr Moss you were asking about yourself’’. I am just a working class oik who knows nothing of her expertise but being in arrogant mood I decide she is wrong.
The rest of 2002 pass without incident but I am starting to vegetate as I have nothing to occupy my mind . One day early in 2003 I win £ 500 on a one pound scratch card and decide to buy a PC. Do not bother with the net at first but spend time creating Power Point presentations on any and all subjects, playing cards on the PC is fun as well, you against 3 opponents , I never tire of this unlike other pursuits already covered .One such PP on diet and exercise has DW stumped as he never knew one could be so creative on the PC as he uses his only for e-mail and shuffling his photo collection. He suggests I should dump the dial up connection and have broad band installed which I do, the difference in speed allows me much faster searching, and I start to research my bi-polar condition but find few answers to my questions.

 

9th bit
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Early 2004 I bump into Chairman of Target and we go for a brew at city H.Q, within the hour he has phoned tutor at offshoot IT suite in my area informing him to expect a full time voluntary tutor the next day. Once again life was on the up.
JTR, the IT suite manager and I hit it off straight away, the Chairman of Target only paid monthly visits and was quite happy with the centres running, mostly pensioner students and a smattering of local learners studying ECDL. JTR encouraged me to sign up for a teaching qualification at York college which I duly did, course to start in September 04. We also had a regular Monday night trip into town for a few pints, a couple of months in and the flashes increase, is the cause of this because of my daily 8 hour contact with Joe Public ?, turns out the answer is yes. May, JTR is ill and I hold the fort for a week flashes increasing daily with this added responsibility, JTR returns to work but is struck down again with illness, Chairman informs me he is considering giving me the centre manager job while JTR recovers but thankfully for me he pulls through and returns to work. One day in early June whilst showing a pensioner how easy it was to send pics by e-mail to his granddaughter in Oz I had 2 flashes within a minute of each other, I make my excuses to JTR and leave going straight to city HQ where I inform The Chairman and centre manager that I am grateful for all the opportunities they have put my way but my time as a tutor is at an end, bloody shame as these people only see the person not the illness. Two weeks later JTR’s illness returns and a tutor from city HQ takes over running local centre. No longer in daily contact with peeps the flashes subside but thought it unsafe for me to study for the teaching qual . I start to save as much money as I can for a trip in summer of 05 to the Isle of Wight, I had visited the island with my then wife in 90 and decided I would go back for one last look, it has now become an annual break. Only having 5 pints a week helps and I assume that this small amount will do no harm. Just before my trip to IOW in 05 DW informs me that he is retiring and a guy called NS will be taking up the reigns as my CPN, they broke the mould when they made DW, I shall miss him.
NS turns out to be as bad a communicator as GT my former supervisor at UofY, luckily he earns promotion and I agree to link up again with MK , water under the bridge and all that. My diet now consists of porridge, fresh fruit, dried fruit and brazil nuts, about 8 nuts a day gives the same amount of protein as a lean turkey steak, tomato juice as this is about the only veg that actually benefits from processing releasing more of the healthy lycopene, and garlic tabs, good for circulation. Beginning of November 06 whilst doing a search for info on the sinking of HMS Sheffield during the Falklands war I come across a site called….Rum Ration, an off-shoot of the army ARSSE community, it is for serving and ex serving Royal Navy And Royal Marines, serious debate and loads of laffs, this is a real boost. Training, a Sustrans track was laid near my home on the former stretch of east coast rail line between Selby and York in 87/88, when first opened the track was fine shale and although Sustrans had put in plenty of new shrubs and young saplings the track was boring as you could see for miles, I travelled along it on my push rod when first opened but was not impressed. Now living so close to the start of the track I decided to give it a look see, the maturing of all the young trees and shrubbery has transformed the track and it is now tarmac, I spend almost every day walking the track as its proximity to where I was brought up bring all those happy childhood memories flooding back . I have an old injury which gives me jip if I run but walking at ramming speed the pain is less intense so my training routine is born. My weight quickly drops to the level it is now 10st-8lbs, happy days. The flashes are still here and I decide once and for all I have to quit the booze, so October 07 I stop.
The local branch of my bank has an outside ATM which is unsafe so I walk the mile or so into town to bank HQ.
Problem, no matter which route I take I have to pass 23 pubs, if I then go on to Sainsburys to check for any bargains it increases to 33, I do not carry any money on trips to town apart from when I need something specific from heath food shop, then only enough money to cover the goods I require. This works a treat as the urge to enter one or all of the pubs is a tempting in the first few months of being dry but soon diminishes. Not as many flashes now but I decide not to make eye contact with anyone or speak to anyone, if I see someone I know it is a quick hello and move on. CPN is chuffed that I have kicked the booze and gives me loads of encouragement, difficult for him as on his visits I speak to the wall and not him.
September 09 he observes that I am making occasional eye contact and next visit full eye contact, WIN.
I contact my youngest sister by phone and my life is almost back on track, I drink about 3 pints a day on my break to the IOW, this is a yearly treat. Also one off ‘special occasion’ trips out in good company, one of which is my one and only friend GS who has stood by me all these dark years, he was the only one who was convinced that I would recover from this illness, he was right. The flashes are still there but less frequent and I can manage about 4 to 5 hours contact with people before making my apologies and leaving.
Why did I not tap into the Royal Navy discipline sooner to sort my life out ? , too busy being a selfish idiot.
After my IOW holiday this year I made contact with my youngest sister, had Sunday dinner at her house and two weeks later I returned the favour, regular phone calls to her and she gives me the phone number of my brother John who lives in Wigan.
John and his wife Phyilis visit York and we spend a few hours talking about the old times, cannot believe how far I have come this year.
95% of the brain is good, 5% delusional, instructing me to do the wrong thing, since hooking up with my family again after all these years the delusional is diminishing and suggesting as opposed to telling me ‘Wrong’.
I have finally secured a bungalow in a part of town that was my old stomping ground in the late 70’s early 80’s, insomnia is a distant memory so life is good and it gets better every day.

 

10th bit

1995….earlier bout of illness.


The Spread Eagle, or Spread as we called it was taken over by AW in 89, he had served his apprenticeship well, collecting glasses and learning the art of good cellar keeping. Working as a clippy on the buses by day and serving behind the bar at 18. Relief landlord and then the Spread tenancy came up, checked it out and it was a shithole but took it on. Shut the place for a while to sort the cellar and shit then re-opened with a couple of wickets up, this quickly increased to 8 wickets. At the time I was still married to Mrs S the second and only used the place Sunday dinnertimes.
AW had visited the Smoke soon after opening Spread to steal some ideas, Sunday dinner times had a live group on and free Yorky puds in onion gravy were served before groups last set of the day. Place was heaving but with 6 behind the bar you were served PDQ, the bar was a rickety old thing propped up underneath by 2” square tube, even then the bar would move backwards and forwards at least 3” when more than one wicket was in use. Split with Mrs S in November 91 and moved to a flat a stones throw from Spread, the split cost me a fair wedge to get my freedom and I vowed not to enter into any long term relationships for 10 years, this was ME time. Loads of overtime at work, plus call out roster allowance and w/end rota duty in Central Boiler House meant loads of drinking vouchers. Good mix of punters in Spread, builders, plumbers, leccys, students, solicitors and the local press office was about 6 doors down so all the journos would pack in after work , this was the hub of York and the other pubs could not compete. Joke menu as well as the norm, no specials board but a separate A4 menu with signature dishes from chefs, one item from the joke menu may give you an idea of what was available, full French stick, slit and filled with wafer thin strips of sliced beef, grated cheese chips and smothered in gravy served on a massive platter….The Dead Cat, much loved by students and the like, enough to feed 4 students or 2 journos or one scaffolder. Excellent cellar man meant the ale was tip top and any money I had after mortgage and other expenses were paid went into AW’s coffers.
So from 91 to May 95 life was ace but it was about to get much better, I mentioned earlier that we would say on Thursday that the w/end starts here, May bank holiday w/end was no exception and we had drunk the place dry come mid evening of the Monday. I decided to have a tat to commemorate this fine achievement, had no ink done during my time in the Royal Navy (from hereon in called the mob), almost, my last night in Hong Kong before flying home for release I had toyed with the idea of having the standard stoker ink of a prop on each arse cheek but there was not enough money in my pockets at the end of the night for ink AND scran so scran won. Other gash ink soon followed, good weather now so I decided to start work at 0400 in the morning and work through to 1200 then piss off to the Spread, bad news, management would not put up with this behaviour so suspended me from work on full pay, did I say bad news?. Only now there was no overtime payable so every item in my flat was sold apart from settee, bed and the Beast to supplement the beer money. AW had spotted that other pubs were starting to pinch his ideas and compete so he decided to get out while the getting was good, that it coincided with my drinking competition for charity is neither here nor there, 10 pints in 15 minutes, I had done this in earlier mob life using a divers nose clip to ensure I was not taking any air into stomach whilst drinking, this attempt I was negative nose clip so failed miserably only drinking 6 and a half in the allotted time Around this time 3 lads started to use the pub, a couple of mivvys and…..an ex Royal Marine, needless to say we immediately got on like a house on fire. At this time one of my drinking mates had said ‘’Stirl, yer fcukin mad’’ but it was in one ear and out the other and this was a mild attack compared to what was to come in 98, still recognisable though after a couple of minutes of coming into contact with me. The ex-bootie, AR took advantage of my illness and was always trying to get me in bother with any strangers who entered the pub,,’’Did u ear wot that blerk just sed about u’’. He did not tab but was always fiddling with my RN zippo, one day, ‘’Stick yer arm out Stirl, want at check yer pain tolerance’’..my glass was empty ‘’Get em in ya Geordy twat’’, much laffs, ‘’Stick yer tongue out’’… massive blood blister on tongue and no nose hair left, he also used me as a willing partner in unarmed combat exercise in pub, AW shaking his head. To wile away the hours till opening time I visited my sister at her workplace, puzzled looks from her as she suspected something was wrong, late night calls to her home and in my drunken haze I thought that there was summat wrong with her.
AW left, much sadness and the brewery who bought the tenancy, Mansfield ,put a bloke in from Wakefield with the stipulation that he was to liaise with AW for the first month to ensure standards were kept up, he lasted a week. Second bloke, AW phoned him on his look see around Spread and asked if he needed any input, negative. This geezer was top, ex Met close protection squad and we hit it off from the start as he was born in the next village to where I was brought up. The assistant manager was a ginger ex female student whose people skills were non existent, after new landlord MD had been in the place a week he took a much needed night off, barney with redhead and told her where to go, next dinnertime small lecture from MD and barred for a week. Started using pub near York railway station, after one day landlord of said pub entered Spread, dropped to his knees at the bar and pleaded with MD to take me back, negative.
After the week MD took me aside and said the place was not the same without me and if I had any further issues with under manager to see him first.
One day AR came in with his flange, potential model and to pass the time we threw her backwards and forwards to each other for some laffs, punter almost caught a flying limb and was about to complain when he suddenly realised who he was dealing with and scuttled off. The word had got round that there was a loon pisshead in the Spread and they would come in to observe our antics. Any punters I had no time for my stock answer was ’’Possibly maybe , probably no’’, if they persisted then, ’’Asked and answered’’ , if they still didn’t get the message I would repeat ’’A&A’’, if AR was present he would chip in with, ’’Get.It..got it..good’’ Pub still busy under MD as he strove to keep up standards and all was good. My attire at the time was black Doc’s black cycling shorts and vest and on the occasional foray into town (went every where at ramming speed) I was pulled up by a septic tourist and his wife ( York was full of buskers and shit) he asked if I was a performing artist…’’No, piss artist’’.. he turned to his wife to ask if she knew what a PA was and I was already back into ramming speed before he could turn around, shouting after me ’’Where do you perform ?’’ Occasionally me and AR would put our best gear on and venture into town, he was a good looking bastard so there was much interest from the female fraternity even though he would always introduce me as his dad, accompanied on occasion by one of his mivvy work mates who. on our first meeting gave up after 2 minutes and sat and read his Motorcycling News as he could not keep up with the banter from me and AR.

 

11th bit
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During my suspension from work I had a lot of time on my hands and did a few challenges to raise some dosh for our local hospice. I took a couple of their A4 flyers and laminated them for my first trip down to the Smoke to try and drum up some support.
Dressed in black Docs,black lycra jogging bottoms and black vest I hopped on the train taking my leather jacket to store Walkman, wallet ect, fast black to Downing street and approached plod on the gates, showed them my flyers and explained what I was about. One plod was quite young and was OK with what I was there for, the other should have retired long ago and made it quite obvious that he did not like me....''Just stay out of the way''.
Fitted the Walkman and started listening to 'Das Boot' by U96 watching for any MP's coming in and out, took the leather off and slung it next to the gates which made old plods pilots start to kettle when he spotted my horrible ink on upper arms.
Official jag approached the gates so I moved a bit closer proffering the flyer, Ken Clarke in front seat, clocked me and immediately scanned his fresh underwear draw. Old plod was not amused, next car he bellowed to his mate ''WATCH HIM''.
Bit later I asked young plod if the PM was coming out, ''Left by the back gate mate'', bugger......'I might as well clear off''......old plod..''If you turn up here again you will be arrested''.
Train back to York and into Spread, AR at the bar....''WTF av u bin''......''The smoke''....''Yeah right'' chucked the train ticket stub on the bar. First pint of XB today BAAAAHHHH.
Second visit the week after dressed in white vest, white shorts and red Doc shoes with off-white denim shirt for Walkman and shit, went straight to Palace of Westminster gates where all the official Jags enter and took up a position right at the gate edge, told plod what I was about and he just shrugged his shoulders. On the other side were all the photographers, one idiot came across and stood in front of me, ''Fcuk off back over there with yer mates, nobody can see me flyer with you in the way''....he obeyed. First Jag in was Doug Hurd, second was Ken Clarke, more kaked nappies. Major Major was next but all I got was a glare from his minder, bugger. Home, Spread.
Third visit AR said he would come with me but shot through,dressed in smart strides, shirt and tie, shoes like mirrors. Major train delay on way down and did not get into Kings X till 1500 so took the underground to Waterloo and got a train to Pompey, got a room in Home club and went out on the lash so the day was not wasted.
Entered Spread one day, MD behind the bar with AR wearing his bar code footy shirt on his first pint, I snigger at his attire, first pint off we go to the Wall to have a crack with AS, couple of pints and back to Spread .
Ex-perce sat on a stool pissed and I give AR the nod as to who he is, his eyes light up, perce bit straight away and MD sensed that this could get ugly,
AR has let me have the floor and is stood grinning from ear to ear, pint off I make to go for a lag, perce shouts ‘ It is a good job you are fcuking off Stirling’. Lag finished I re-enter bar MD close behind me, perce.. ‘Wot the fcuk wud it tek to stop u’, before I can answer, AR…’A FCUKIN SHOTGUN’
MD..’ENOUGH’……boo. AR’s pash arrives, one more pint and I go home for some quick shut eye, bath and back to Spread for evening festivities
MD gives me the SP as to what happened after I had left, perce had tapped up a locals pash and had been dropped, MD barred him for a week ‘Give us a wink next time Stirl’, ‘Will do boss, will stick you a pint in for your break’.
Still unaware that anything was wrong with me I was visited at my flat by the then Uni Maintenance Manager, a friend of my late father and warned me that if and when I returned to work that there were people loading bullets for me. 3 months into my suspension I visited Uni and told them if I were not re-instated I would contact a solicitor, immediate appointment with Uni GP and I was invited back to work, the letter stating that they hoped my illness had cleared up, illness?. End of 95 I approached MD and told him I would not be in the pub for 3 months in order to pay off my debts.
Debts cleared, I start to frequent the Spread again but unusual for me I do not go out every night, trying to keep my spending in check, I have my music to while away the hours in the evenings.
The rest of 96 and up to October 97 passed without much incident in my life…..bombshell, MD was leaving the Spread for a pub in Leeds, his relief ?.............................
former assistant manager redhead, we had crossed swords so many times during her last stint in the pub, to now have her as big cheese with her unwanted armchair psychologist bullshit,,,,,,AAAAHHHH.
My fears were unwarranted however as the redhead concentrated more on keeping the other locals happy and very rarely spoke to me. Saw less of my ex bootie mate AR as he had blagged his way into a new job, recruitment consultant ?, 3 year old Toyota thrown in……more jam than Hartleys, new gaff on the other side of town near his work so he was rarely seen in the Spread. Billy No Mates for me…….again.
A journalist friend got me a gig taking promo shots for a pub in York, the landlord then had them displayed on an A1 ad board outside one of the local theatres; this is probably the point when my delusions of starting my own company to promote my beautiful city were born.
New year, around the end of february I received a letter from my bank, as my finances were now in good order they offered me a credit card with a £2500 limit, I accepted. My intake of beer increased dramatically, as did the delusions and the worry of people around me that I was going off the rails.
Work was also beginning to suffer, I would strive to do anything and everything at an increased pace, peeps could not keep up, loads of unwanted advice which went in one ear and out the other never touching the sides .I was high as a kite on adrenalin during the day and booze at night, needing less sleep with the adrenalin pumping I took to the streets at night looking for any beggars or undesirables to bellow at. I was a complete arsehole, posting coded notes through the Spread letterbox late at night was the worst, landlady could not cope with me .After work one day she was waiting for me as I entered the pub, she laid a gentle hand on my shoulder and pleaded with me to go home and get some rest, I said nothing as I turned on my heel and ran up to the Wall. And so we reach this books beginning.

 

Today , adrenalin is my worst enemy , tied to my mental condition it is adrenalin with stuffed crust full of lumpy extra strong grey matter, thankfully this is now easier to spot and control.
March/April 2013 my brother John & wife Phyill moved back to York after 40 yrs in pie eater land , he is the only one of my 6 elder brothers that I get on with and vice versa , to have him back kick started the breakdown that some of you were witness to. Worst thing about a breakdown is you DO NOT KNOW it is happening , peeps tell you but you look upon this as a test , thinking that they are trying to trip you up . Something thankfully comes along and you realise it is time to shut yourself away and try to recover , in this case it was a credit card bill of all the stuff I had bought during the breakdown.....massive tat above right nipple £100 , cd's , MP3 downloads £ 65 , loads of shit that I will never use from B&Q £ 75 and so on. John and Phyll are now on the case , Phyll is a retired staff nurse , regular visits to their gaff and e-mails almost every day so life is more secure.