Me and my fcuking caravan

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by stan_the_man, Sep 16, 2010.

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  1. I hate to admit this but I am a "Janner Vanner" and enjoys the odd tour around Devon and Cornwall at this time of year now the fcuking kids have all fcuked off back to school and me and Mrs S can enjoy a bit of peace and quiet.
    One big problem I cannot for the fecking life of me reverse the twatting thing, brings me ot in a sweat just thinking of all those other Vanners pissing themselves at me futile attemtpts to get it parked in the micro slots the go by the name of "pitches" doesn't help that my 4 x 4 has the turning circle of a fucking juggernought.
    Anyone else a complete spacker like me???
    Just remember :
    Don't go a knocking when the caravans rocking!!
  2. Can't you buy a special mirror for this, Stan?
  3. If your van goes right, put the helm to starboard, and if the van goes left port wheel until straight either way. Simples. :D :D
    Don't chase the lubbers line.
  4. Suits me sir :D
  5. How much to do my driveway?
  7. Throw in yer missus 2DD and I'll do the roof and driveway for nowt
  8. Buy one of these, you can just pick it up and put it where you want

  9. RANT ON

    Your not one of those pikey fcukers that have decided to spread themselves and their shite (literally) on a very nice patch of public land about half a mile from me. It amazed me no end when i drove past the other day and saw a brand new Audi cabriolet parked next to an equally expensive caravan whilst the usual old prams, shit and dags were milling around whilst soapy kids stared at you.

    And if they think my council tax is paying to clear their shit up they had better standby!!

    RANT OFF!!
  10. Do you chuck in a free dog when you're doing deals with your mates?

    PS: Have you seen those cameras you can get that link up to a TV system in your car? Little red, orange and green 'prediction' lines tell you where your trailer's going when you put your car into reverse. All very intuitive when you use it because you don't think about the steering, you just make the pretty lines go where you want them to. I've got them on the horsemobile, as they aren't normally very generous when it comes to parking the G G house. Also, they can be used as normal, rear-facing cameras when you're driving along so you can see the pissed-off looks of the drivers in the 5 mile queue behind you :roll: .
  11. I've just discovered that I can buy a tent which attaches to the back of my new car so I too can experience weekend pikeyness. To be honest I'd rather go proper camping with a proper tent in the middle of nowhere. In my eyes, if it's accessible by car you might as well book into a hotel. It isn't camping unless you are up a mountain somewhere or next to a picturesque river as far away from civilisation as possible. The idea of towing a rusty old shed to a field populated by people in other rusty old sheds appeals to me about as much as being bummed by Lexington Steele.
  12. Fcuking quality guys. just as a clue next time you see a caravan in similar condition to the Trotters Robin 3 wheeler with a fcuking great sticker with Stan and Carolines Love Shack on it give us a long toot that youv'e recognised me - don't do a quick hoot cos that will confuse me cos I get hundreds of those every time I'm out :)
  13. The exhaust pipe provides valuable heating in winter. Just need a hosepipe mate.

    Edited for being a mong
  14. On a more serious note....................Join the caravan club, they run courses which suppossedly can teach anyone to reverse a car and van safely.
    Having said that I didn't do a course during the short period of about 18 months when I owned a van and my reversing was so crap that I decided to sell the van.
  15. Shouldn't that read valuable carbon monoxide in winter - hosepipe free for Pikeys
  16. Yes I saw some of there experienced drivers at Birmingham airport.
    Most couldn't drive pigs to shit. The one cheecky fucker offered to help me reverse with a wagon and drag. I told him now I have been allowed out on my own twice, I thought I could handel it. 8O :) :wink:
  17. I,ll come and help you with his drive Stan, we do a good job you could get the "Royal Appointment" sticker on your van.
    We could turn his drum over as well and that 4X4 is a well Pikey Mobile hitched to a nice sun downer 10+.
    After we've lived on his front lawn for a week or two of course, and give the kids a little run free, negative nappies.
    I've got a bit of copper wire to strip while we're there. :D
  18. I recently got stuck the wrong way in a one way street. Threw a minor rant, did a vicious 3 point turn....... then remembered (aided by the very loud crunch) I had my trailer attached. :oops:

    Trashed the port hand quarter of the Landy :oops:

    Still, they look better with battle scars, don't they. Don't they?
  19. If you're a big fucker, then of course they do.
    If you're small, then what a stupid fuckin OD's move you thick bugger. :D :roll: :wink:

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