marines found alive at last


Lantern Swinger
In October 2003, four Royal Marines went missing from an official drinking binge in Plymouth. This appears to have been due to a mistake at a rum bottling plant which resulted in several bottles being filled with industrial strength floor cleaner, which was consumed by the four marines. The alarm was raised when their colleagues sobered up the next day.
The story of each marine is as follows:
Marine A woke up to find himself washing ashore in Antarctica. He immediately swam back to the Royal Marines official muster point, a bar in Gibraltar named "The Frog and Trout". This journey took him approximately two years, during which he survived by catching Great White sharks in his teeth and squeezing the juice out of penguins that he had brought along for the trip. On reaching the bar in Gibraltar in 2005, he was ordered by a military doctor to "live in the bar for a year or so, just to rehydrate." The doctor has not been located as yet.
Marine B sobered up in January 2006, discovering that he had spent the last two years in the United States Army and had been promoted to two-star General. It also emerged that he had won the Congressional Medal of Honour for selflessly disposing of an artillery shell containing chemical warfare toxins. Marine B's only recollection of this heroic act was "eating something I thought was a spicy kebab, but it turned out to be a bit crunchy." He made his way to Gibraltar as quickly as possible, and when the Royal Marines Police found him in the Frog and Trout bar he claimed that he had "just got in 5 minutes ago and was having a quick pint before reporting to the local garrison."
Marine C revealed that he had woken up in an old whaling station, on an island off Siberia. Surviving on scrap iron, and drinking battery acid "which was nicer than the stuff they call beer in America", Marine C used his Royal Marine survival skills to fashion some old iron bars and baked bean tins into a vehicle, namely a 1979 Vauxhall Chevette. He floated it ashore with the floats from old fishing nets, and drove to Gibraltar immediately.
Marine D's arrival in Gibraltar last week was what alerted the authorities to the four missing Marines' reappearance. He drifted ashore in a small boat, with nothing aboard but two bottles of rum and a dozen comely wenches of questionable virtue. It is thought that Marine D had been adrift in this boat, which originally contained 243 cases of rum and twelve young ladies of honour true, ever since the day after his disappearance in 2003. Witnesses told the Royal Marines Police that his colleagues, Marines A, B and C, had removed him from the boat, and that Marine D appeared to be suffering from exhaustion but had a big silly grin plastered all over his face. They had then propped Marine D up next to the bar in the Frog and Trout, but had become concerned that if a Royal Navy officer entered the bar, Marine D would be unable to return the salute due to being asleep. Marines A, B and C then rigged up an ingenious contraption using pulleys and some rope, so that when a Royal Navy officer arrived, they could pull the rope, causing Marine D to respond to the salute with an obscene hand gesture. The Royal Marines Police confirmed that this contraption was used to good affect when they entered the bar.
The Corps of Royal Marines have revealed that they are "delighted" with the great skill and determination with which the missing men found their way back to civilisation. When asked if the 4 Marines would be rewarded with medals for their courage, a Royal Marines spokesman replied "Of course not! We don't just dish out medals like sweets. This isn't the bloody RAF!"
Doctors are monitoring the health of the four Royal Marines, and hope that they will be well enough to leave the bar in Gibraltar within the next four to six weeks .
What a relief. Of course had they been matelots they'd have made an outboard motor from the baked beans cans and a few Post Office red rubber bands, used the juice from passing Petrels to power the motor and spent 4 years less a week, drinking the house dry.


So is part of your basic Marine training watching re-runs of the A-team ? You know.....when they are trapped 14 feet underground in The Himalayas without water and food, yet somehow manage to produce a whole kit of welding, goggles, wheels, engine materials and stone cutting equipment, in order to break out through 20 feet of solid rock ?.....We always knew initiative and drive were two key characteristics of the Queens Finest, but bloody hell..... impressive that.
Makes a girl wanna reach for her smelling salts.

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