Marine Corps Jokes

Discussion in 'The Corps' started by Jarhead, Jun 5, 2007.

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  1. Changes to Recruit Training

    In an effort to ensure proper training and readiness among the military services, Congress has approved the following changes to basic principles of recruit training:

    Marines: Heads will be shaved.
    Army: Stylish flat-top's for all recruits.
    Navy: No haircut standard.
    Air Force: Complete makeovers as seen on the Jenny Jones show.

    Training Hours:
    Marines: Reveille at 0500, train until 2000.
    Army: Reveille at 0600, train until 1900.
    Navy: Get out of bed at 0900, train until 1100, lunch until 1300, train until 1600.
    Air Force: Awaken at 1000, breakfast in bed, train from 1100 to 1200, lunch at 1200, train from 1300 to 1400, nap at 1400, awaken from nap at 1500, training ceases at 1500.

    Marines: Meals, Ready-to-Eat 3 times a day.
    Army: One hot meal, 2 MRE's.
    Navy: 3 hot meals.
    Air Force: Catered meals prepared by the Galloping Gourmet, Julia Child, and Wolfgang Puck and Emeril Lagasse. All you can eat.

    Leave And Liberty:
    Marines: None.
    Army: 4 hours a week.
    Navy: 2 days a week.
    Air Force: For every four hours of training, recruits will receive eight hours of leave and liberty.

    Marines: Will address all officers as "Sir," and refer to the rank of all enlisted members when speaking to them (i.e., Sgt. Smith).
    Army: Will address all officers as "Sir," unless they are friends, and will call all enlisted personnel "Sarge."
    Navy: Will address all officers as "Skipper," and all enlisted personnel as "Chief."
    Air Force: All Air Force personnel shall be on a first name basis with each other.

    Marines: Medals and badges are awarded for acts of gallantry and bravery only.
    Army: Medals and badges are awarded for every bullet fired, hand grenade thrown, fitness test passed, and bed made.
    Navy: Will have ships' engineers make medals for them as desired.
    Air Force: Will be issued all medals and badges, as they will most likely be awarded them at some point early in their careers anyway.

    Camouflage Uniforms:
    Marines: Work uniform, to be worn only during training and in field situations.
    Army: Will wear it anytime, anywhere.
    Navy: Will not wear camouflage uniforms, they do not camouflage you on a ship. (Ship Captains will make every effort to attempt to explain this to sailors.)
    Air Force: Will defeat the purpose of camouflage uniforms by putting blue and silver chevrons and colorful squadron patches all over them.

    Career Fields:
    Marines: All Marines shall be considered riflemen first and foremost.
    Army: It doesn't matter, all career fields promote to E-8 in first enlistment anyway.
    Navy: Nobody knows. The Navy is still trying figure out what sailors in the ABH, SMC, BNC and BSN rates do anyway.
    Air Force: Every recruit will be trained in a manner that will allow them to leave the service early to go on to higher paying civilian jobs
  2. Re: Recruit training

    Dan Rather, Cokie Roberts, and a Marine go to Iraq

    News Anchor Dan Rather, NPR Reporter Cokie Roberts, and a U.S. Marine were hiking through the desert one day when they were captured by Iraqis. They were tied up, led to the village and brought before the leader.

    The leader said, "I am familiar with your western custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before we kill and dismember you, do you have any last requests?"

    Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot, spicy chili." The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

    Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job 'til the end. "The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."

    The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?"

    "Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.

    "What?" asked the leader. "Will you mock us in your last hour?"

    "No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the Marine

    So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm pistol from inside his cammies, and shot the leader dead.

    In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine, and sprayed the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, the Iraqis were dead, dying or fleeing for their lives.

    As the Marine was untying Rather and Roberts, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass?" "What!?" said the Marine, "And have you liberal assholes call ME the aggressor?!?"
  3. Re: Recruit training

    12 Step Program for Recovering Marines

    12 Step program for recovering Marines.

    Marines Anonymous
    1. I am a Marine, I have a problem. This is the first step to recovery...

    2. Speech: -Time should never begin with a zero or end in a hundred, it is not 0530 or
    1400 it is 5:30 in the morning (AKA God-awful early).
    -Words like deck, rack, and "PT" will get you weird looks; floor, bed, work
    out, get used to it.
    -"F *ck" cannot be used to replace whatever word you can't think of right
    now, try "um".
    -Grunting is not talking.
    -It's a phone, not a radio, conversations on a phone do not end in "out"
    -People will not know what you are talking about if you tell them you are
    coming from Camp Lejeune with the MWSS platoon or that you spent a
    deployment in the OCAC

    3. Style:
    -Do not put creases in your jeans.
    -Do not put creases on the front of your dress shirts.
    -A horseshoe cut looks dumb, not motivating.
    -A high and tight looks really dumb as well.
    -So does a low reg, but not as bad.
    -A hat indoors does not make you a bad person, it makes you like the rest of
    the world.
    -you do not have to wear a belt ALL the time.

    4. Women:
    -Air Force girls are easy, very easy, not all women are this easy and will
    probably punch you in the nuts if you treat them like Air Force girls.
    -Being divorced twice by the time you are 23 is not normal, neither are 6
    month marriages, even if it is your first.
    -Marrying a girl so that you can move out of the barracks does not make
    "financial sense", it makes you a retard.

    5. Personal accomplishments:
    -In the real world, being able to do pushups will not make you good at your
    -Most people will be slightly disturbed by you if you tell them about people
    you have killed or seen die.
    -How much pain you can take is not a personal accomplishment.
    -The time you got really drunk and passed the sobriety test anyway is also
    not a personal accomplishment.

    6. Drinking:
    -In the real world, being drunk before 5pm will get you an intervention, not
    a "good for you"
    -That time you drank a 5th of Jaeger and pissed in your closet is not a
    conversation starter.
    -That time you went to the combat medic school and practiced giving vodka
    iv's will also not be a good conversation starter

    6. Bodily functions:
    -Farting on your co-workers and then giggling while you run away may be
    viewed as "unprofessional".
    -The size of the dump you took yesterday will not be funny no matter how big
    it was, how much it burned, or how much it smelled.
    -You can't make fun of someone for being sick, no matter how funny it is
    -VD will also not be funny

    7. The human body:
    -Most people will not want to hear about your balls. Odd as that may seem,
    it's true.

    8. Spending habits:
    -One day, you will have to pay bills
    -Buying a $30,000 car on a $16,000 a year salary is a really bad idea.
    -Spending money on video games instead of on diapers makes you a fool.
    -One day you will need health insurance

    9. Interacting with civilians (AKA YOU):
    -Making fun of your neighbor to his face for being fat will not be normal.

    10. Real jobs:
    -They really can fire you.
    -On the flip side you really can quit.
    -Screaming at the people that work for you will not be normal, remember they
    really can quit too.
    -Taking naps at work will not be acceptable.
    -Remember 9-5 not 0530 to 1800

    11. The Law:
    -Non-judicial punishment does not exist and will not save you from prison.
    -Your workplace unlike your command can't save you and probably won't, in
    fact most likely you will fired about 5 minutes after they find out you've
    been arrested
    -Even McDonalds does background checks, and "conviction" isn't going to help
    you get the job
    -Fighting is not a normal thing and will get you really arrested, not yelled
    at Monday morning before they ask you if you won.

    12. General knowledge:
    -You can in fact really say what you think about the President in public.
    -Pain is not weakness leaving the body, it's just pain.
    -They won't wear anything shiny that tells you they are more important then
    you are, be polite.
    -Read the contracts before you sign them, remember what happened the first
  4. Re: Recruit training

    Taking Care of the Guantanamo Detainees

    A person wrote a letter to the White House complaining about the treatment of a captive taken during the Afghanistan war. Attached is a copy of a letter they received back:

    The White House 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington, D.C. 20016 Dear Concerned Citizen:

    Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

    My administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington.

    You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like you, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short. In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one terrorist under your personal care.

    Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence next Monday.

    Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of admonishment. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter.

    Ahmed's meal requirements are simple, but we strongly suggest serving meals that do not require utensils, particularly knives and forks. Also, these should be "one-handed" foods; Ahmed will not eat with his left hand since he uses that for personal matters.

    He generally bathes quarterly with the change of seasons, assuming that it rains, and he washes his clothes simultaneously. This should help with your water bill. Also, your new friend has a really bad case of body lice that hasn't been completely remedied. Please heed the large orange notice attached to your detainee's cage: "Does not play well with others."

    Although Ahmed is sociopathic and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws.

    Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. He will bite you, given the chance, but his rabies test came back negative, so not to worry. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We do not suggest that you ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also an expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.

    Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property. However, he will be eager to assist with the education of your sons; have available for their use several copies of the Q'uran.

    Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you, who know so much, keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. We think this watching over each other's shoulder is such a good way for people to interact that we will be sending a team of federal officials with expertise in your line of work to your place of business soon, just to help you do your job better. Don't be concerned that they have the power to close your business, seize your property, and arrest you for any violation of the 4,850,206 laws, codes, regulations and rules that apply to your profession. They're really there just to make sure you're doing everything the proper way. That is what you wanted, right?

    Well, thank you for this opportunity to interact with such a valued member of the citizenry. You take good care of Ahmed - and remember...we'll be watching.

    Cordially...Your Buddy, Don Rumsfeld

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