Man= Jerk!

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by brazenhussy, Feb 22, 2008.

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  1. I, and my esteemed friend / colleague have concluded men are JERKS!!!
     
  2. and now millions of replies from MEN will be posted arguing they aren't= when in reality they are!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!







    ps- lol!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
     
  3. Some light reading.

    [​IMG]
     
  4. Pf course we are all Jerks Brazen. why did it take you this long to discover this well known fact?
     
  5. But were really nice. Honestly :w00t:
     
  6. Only if you wont do the job for us :dwarf:
     
  7. BH - you are suffering from what is known as "Big Brother syndrome"

    1. girlie gets in strop/huff, feels pis*ed off
    2. tells rest of house she is leaving
    3. rest of girlies all huddle around her telling her not to go
    4 she now feels more powerful, with her now influence over th remainder she adopts the matriarcal position

    in short BH you want all us men to say know you are the best please let us satisfy you however we may

    if you want i can mop you up after a long session
     
  8. Women = Arguments you will never win.

    “Wassup???? What’s the matter darlin’ ??â€
    “NOTHING!!â€
    “Oh alright then….D’you mind if I j-u-s-t change the channel…there’s……..â€
    “D’YOU REMEMBER THAT TIME……IT WAS HALF SIX, WEDNESDAY
    BACK IN 19**, WHEN YOU SAID YOU DID THAT THINGY I’D BEEN
    ASKING YOU TO DO FOR BLOODY AGES EH!!??â€
    “Pardon dearest??â€
    “NEVER LISTEN TO A WORD I SAY D’YOU??!!...I MEAN WHAT HAVE
    YOU R-E-A-L-L-Y DONE FOR ME EH??â€
    “Well…errr I’ve emptied the Dishwasher today, and I made the bed didn’t I??â€
    “YOU F***ING WHAT??!!...I TOLD YOU HOW TO DO THAT THING, AND
    YOU WENT R-I-G-H-T AHEAD AND DID IT…BUT YOU DIDN’T DO IT
    THE WAY I TO-L-D YOU TO DO IT ….. DID YOU….C’MON THEN…
    WRIGGLE YOUR WAY OUT OF THAT!!â€
    “Sorry??....â€
    “OHH YESSSS….YOU’RE ALWAYS F***ING SORRY AREN’T YOU??..
    WELL IT WON’T WORK WITH ME THIS TIME!!â€
    “But what’s up my little sugar plum??â€
    “I ALREADY TOLD YOU!!! F***ING NOTHING – AND YOU CAN
    FORGET ABOUT GETTING’ ME ***ING CHRISTMAS CARD,
    ‘COS I’LL JUST RIP IT UP ANYWAY!!!â€
    “But it’s only July love…….â€
    “HAH!!!â€

    (The front-room sofa's looking good again...)
     
  9. Comments made by the ladies in our life.

    Please find below a few words of wisdom.

    1. "Fine" - This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but can't stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up. (NEVER use "fine" to describe how she looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.)

    2. "Five minutes" - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so women feel that it's an even trade.

    3. "Nothing" - "Nothing" means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".

    4. "Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows) - This is NOT permission; it's a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be that the woman will get upset over "Nothing" and you'll have a "five- minute" discussion that will end with the word "Fine."

    5. "Go ahead" (normal eyebrows) - This is NOT permission, either. It means, "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

    6. "Loud Sigh" - This is not actually a word, but it is still often a verbal statement very frequently misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."

    7. "Soft Sigh" - Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer.

    8. "Oh" - This word - followed by any statement - is TROUBLE. Example: "Oh, let me get that", or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night," If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get a raised eyebrows "Go ahead". Sometimes followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.

    9. "That's Okay" - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay," means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead". Once she has had time to plan it out. You are in for some mighty big trouble.

    10. "Please Do" - This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words. A chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this correctly. You shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

    11. "Thanks" - The woman is thanking you. Don't faint and don't look for hidden meaning. Just say. "You're welcome."

    12. "Thanks A Lot" - "Thanks A Lot" is dramatically different from "Thanks". A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. The “Loud Sigh†usually follows it. This signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing".
     
  10. witsend

    witsend War Hero Book Reviewer

    missing letters of the alphabet ER
     
  11. Been wed to a female of the species since 1965: have still not figured them out yet - yes dear - you weren't listening. No dear - you haven't been listening. My Late Dad would sit on a Sunday morning after going to church, could sit eating his fry up, with a lit fag behind his ear, reading the SUNDAY EXPRESS, with the BBC news on the wireless, and when me mum, losing patience with his lack of response, would shriek " You haven't been listening to a word I've said". He would repeat verbatim what she'd just been on about. How he did it, I do not know - Herr Indoors was always impressed with it, and commented on how I did not have the gift - and still does........
     
  12. I'll put my hand up for that one....when all the women I know admit to being nagging bit@#!$...er did I type that or just think it ...oh eck where's the delete button...HELP!!!!!!
    lol
    NZB
     
  13. sgtpepperband

    sgtpepperband War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    Posted at 3.13am... someone got blown at in Tiger Tiger then! 8O
     
  14. I think the 'male syndrome' kicks off at a very early age.

    For example, take my son; the cheeky git burps & farts very loud and giggles after, shoves his hand's up/down women's tops at any given opportunity and would rather spend his time with women than men.........................


    Us women don't stand a chance, full stop!
     
  15. Sounds like he'd make a good Bootie LoL
     
  16. Isn't he still in booties? Isn't it a given that wee babies will get there hands everywhere? Not very nice when the hand goes into the baby food then up the nose then down the bra, granted.
     
  17. sgtpepperband

    sgtpepperband War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    The Men's Guide to What Women Really Mean By...
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    At long last... The Men's Guide to what a woman really means when she says something. Pay close attention... :wink:


    You want = You want

    We need = I want

    It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

    Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.

    We need to talk = I need to complain

    Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.

    I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

    You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

    You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

    I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I'm on my period.

    Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.

    This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

    I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

    I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white.

    Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

    I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

    Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive

    How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like

    I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

    Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful

    You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

    Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]

    Yes = No

    No = No

    Maybe = No

    I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

    Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it

    Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep

    I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important

    All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OMIGOD those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

    (The answer to "What's wrong?")

    The same old thing = Nothing

    Nothing = Everything

    Everything = My PMS is acting up

    Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an jerk

    I don't want to talk about it = Go away, I'm still building up steam
     

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