Mail On Sunday: "MoD has banned the Navy's Cocktail parties"

Discussion in 'The Fleet' started by soleil, Mar 13, 2010.

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  1. Re: Mail On Sunday: "MoD has banned the Navy's Cocktail part

    It just shows how inept this outfit of morons are.

    More good has come from the Cockers P's and for ships companies, . Along with the sports teams that go ashore to spread the word and the visits to hospitals with nutty etc

    Sort of RN Plc

    Lots of stuff goes on that enhances our name and gains respect
     
  2. Re: Mail On Sunday: "MoD has banned the Navy's Cocktail part

    They really haven't got a clue have they, Broon's government spent over £500,000 wining and dining foreign leaders at the G20, but they won't spend a tenth of that to be a gracious host in a foreign country, probably achieving just as much in terms of diplomatic relations as any summit!!

    When a friend of mine was hosted on a Russian warship for a mess dinner a few years back he learned the crew had been limited to basic rations for days so they could afford to put on the meal. He said it was symbolic of the state the Russian Navy was in... you really have to ask yourself where this government will take our country given half a chance, have they no pride in Great Britain!! :evil:
     
  3. This is from the Daily Mail. Until you hear this story confirmed by a remotely credible source, it ought to be regarded as a work of fiction, like a lot of the Mail's other publishing.
     
  4. To paraphrase many others, this boils my piss.

    We can afford to pay twats like the Children's Commissioner to come up with crap, but we can't fork out a couple of hundred quid a go (if that) for a CTP.

    Where are the Senior Officers when you need them?
     
  5. Seaweed

    Seaweed War Hero Book Reviewer

    Here's Euryalus puttin' on the Ritz, all togged up and ready to go in Yokohama in 1968:

    [​IMG]

    The catch to these CTPs in the 1960s was that the Wardroom was never fully reimbursed for their cost so the Officers had to pick up part of the bill, allocated on a per-stripe basis. It was also a requirement to push the boat out for sundry dockyard mateys at the end of a refit, hospitality that fell entirely on the Officers' pockets but was a necessary bribe to get anything done. As one particularly charmless Matey's wife who came onbioard Cossack in Singapore in 1957 put it 'There was so much drink we couldn't finish it all.'

    The form for a foreign visit was a formal letter in advance from the Captain to the British Consul offering, usually, a reception, a lumch party and maybe a children's party, sports challenges if appropriate and including requests for a berth and oil fuel etc. The Consul would then decant, at no cost to himself, his C list of hospitality returns onto the unfortunate HM Ship. On visits to the French Riviera the Officers were usually treated as waiters while the guests luvvied each other. There was the odd glimmer of amusement, for instance when an Italian woman who thought she was receiving insufficient attention as she came on board deliberately dropped her coat so as to trip her son up on the brow, thereby achieving what she wanted.

    Insufferably boring guests apart, there was sometimes useful fallout for the ship's company in terms of invitations, and allegedly goodwill towards the UK although I often wondered if this was true. Return matches could be good value but often were entirely 'duty runs' one could have done without. But I did get a private tour of Peggy Guggenheim's Surrealist art collection out of a CTP once, so it was swings and roundabouts I guess.

    Oh - a dit from Leningrad 1955, from the cadet who was manning the hats and coats. There was a dead heat between Benny Goodman the Cadet Gunner and a Russian General. The cadet wisely reckoned that Benny would be in his life the morrow but not so the Russian, so gave Benny his hat first. Benny turned politely to the Russki, bowed, smiled, and said 'F.ck Off'. The Russian smiled at Benny, took his hat, and said to Benny 'The difference is that for you there will be no f.cking tonight.' Another Russian got to the gangway, saluted everybody including the cadet gangway staff, and fell like an enormous fur ball the length of Triumph's accommodation ladder.
     
  6. Also posted on ARRSE but worth repeating here:

    Contrary to popular belief, the main cost of the traditional 'Cocker's P' (known less salubriously as a 'Cake & Arse Party') is borne by the officers of the host ship on a mess share basis. This invariably constitutes the largest debit on anyone's mess bill during a busy deployment. Official sources provide rare and relatively tiny subsidies, normally begged from the insubstantial Fleet Entertainment Fund. Thank goodness for duty free prices; there was a time when pink gins replaced G&Ts in popularity because the cost of the tonic far exceeded that of the gin.

    In the UK, shipboard CTPs provide ideal opportunities for the RN to thank area supporters and volunteers including local government dignitaries, members of the emergency services, charity workers, sponsoring businesses and affiliated towns and organisations such as schools, associations, regiments, air stations and the cadet forces. In foreign countries, CTPs allow the RN to showcase itself to the locals while bolstering the applicable British embassy or consulate (which normally compiles the guest list), business people and members of the expat community, enabling them to pay off old favours or garner new ones among the local populace in a convivial atmosphere. Such functions often lead to the 'adoption' of the ship's company by the local police (sometimes including a 'get you home' taxi service), invitations to special events, use of facilities and free or discounted entry to local attractions.

    My most vivid memory of the good work a ship's CTP can achieve harks back to 1989 during a visit to Aden by three minehunters returning from the Gulf. This was the first visit by any British warships since the People’s Democratic Republic of Yemen (PDRY - otherwise known as South Yemen) had achieved its independence in 1967 after 128 years as a British possession. The CTP was a truly international affair and, if memory serves me right, there were diplomatic representatives from over 50 countries including such intriguing combinations as the Soviets (this was at the height of Glasnost and Perestroika) and Cubans, Iranians and Iraqis, Greeks and Turks, and Israelis and Syrians. The Americans had no diplomatic mission in Aden and were conspicuous by their absence. The innocuous-tasting punch prepared by the stewards worked its usual magic and soon all of our guests were engaged in animated but entirely amicable discussion. Afterwards, the British ambassador told me that the RN had done more to improve British diplomatic relations in that one night than he had managed to achieve during his entire tenure.
     
  7. I didn't mind helping at c*ck and ar*e parties, it gave us free drinking lol
     
  8. Seaweed

    Seaweed War Hero Book Reviewer

    To keep the cost down, when Tiger sailed for the Med in 1959, we shipped the gin in forty gallon driums and Chief tucked these away in the double bottoms. Alternate months this was a penny a tot/halfpenny a tot (old pennies!). Also had a Sodastream thing to make home-brew tonic.
     
  9. Re: Mail On Sunday: "MoD has banned the Navy's Cocktail part

    If this news story is true then all I can say is hooray! These parties are a complete waste of time and effort for those who won't even get invited.

    I was on a deployment last year to the West Indies during which at least twelve cocktail parties took place onboard. Frankly, I found it embrassing, that a few toffee-nosed officers and some wealthy locals could swan about in their own little Noel Coward like world at the tax payers expense. While at the same time some poor sods in Afganistan are getting killed or wounded because the MOD can't afford enough armoured vehicles.

    Thats my rant over. I feel much better now.
     
  10. Re: Mail On Sunday: "MoD has banned the Navy's Cocktail part

    Was always led to believe that the Skipper was given an "Entertainment Allowance" per annum, with the rest of the wardroom contributing according to rank.
    I'm sure I read somewhere that Sandy Woodward failed to spend his full entertainment allowance, and the following year's sum was reduced accordingly - the fact that he was engaged in retaking the Falklands at the time, and didn't have any opportunites to have CTPs cut no ice with the bean counters - a pox on all their houses. Wonder if the House of Nonsense will cut their cloth accordingly ? Won't hold my breath.....
     
  11. Guns

    Guns War Hero Moderator

    Re: Mail On Sunday: "MoD has banned the Navy's Cocktail part

    Ooooo handbags. Which really sums up how bitter you are.

    CTP's are there for the RN to sell UKPlc. My last deployment (TAURUS 09) we had combined WR/SR/SNCO CTP's due to volume of guests. I hosted a small group of a UK Manufacturing firm salesman, a local construction MD and a Public Works guy. Very stiff to start but by the end of the do they ahd exchange cards and later contracts agreed. That is money going back into the UK. It can be hard to get people to network in some areas and Embassy parties too common. But a party on a Warship is something different and gives our UKPlc people the chance to sell how great GB is.
     
  12. Seaweed

    Seaweed War Hero Book Reviewer

  13. Re: Mail On Sunday: "MoD has banned the Navy's Cocktail part

    .[/quote]

    Ooooo handbags. Which really sums up how bitter you are.

    CTP's are there for the RN to sell UKPlc. My last deployment (TAURUS 09) we had combined WR/SR/SNCO CTP's due to volume of guests. I hosted a small group of a UK Manufacturing firm salesman, a local construction MD and a Public Works guy. Very stiff to start but by the end of the do they ahd exchange cards and later contracts agreed. That is money going back into the UK. It can be hard to get people to network in some areas and Embassy parties too common. But a party on a Warship is something different and gives our UKPlc people the chance to sell how great GB is.[/quote]

    Sounds like your trying to convince yourself there. I'm sure UK companies can organize and pay for for their own corporate entertainment as I'm sure they do already. The RN has better things to spend its dwindling funds on than pouring booze down down peoples necks.

    A certain deployment last year was five percent doing something of use while the other nintyfive percent was just a glorified booze cruise. The rhetoric used by the people in charge to justify our presence was complete codswallop.
     
  14. sgtpepperband

    sgtpepperband War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    HBM: Some might say you are jaded and biased; others might argue that you have a valid point.

    I think you are talking out your bitter, twisted and uninformed arse... :roll:
     
  15. If the wardroom are willing to stump up the cash to swan around like Noel Coward like you so cleverly surmised, well crack on. Its a shame that a thread like this always descends into a 'them and us' rant . Harrymaskers, CTPs are mindnumbingly dull, hence only the buttsnorkellers from WO&CPOs mess volunteer to go, the officers have to attend, poor bastards. While we are all getting shiters in some backwater hovel eyeing up the local talent, Crispin and Rupert have to chat to some old wrinkly who happens to be married to the bonkers FO civil servant. The hot posh totty is as rare as that mythical busload of nurses.
     
  16. Re: Mail On Sunday: "MoD has banned the Navy's Cocktail part

    I'll bet you didn't turn down all of the ships's company rum distillery visits, banyans, sports matches, free tickets to local events and attractions and police goodwill gained as a result of your DO's gentle arm-twisting at CTPs. I don't expect you thanked him/her for drafting the never-ending 'bread and butter' (thank you) letters for signature by the CO either. Incidentally, how is your GF getting on and what's her view on this subject? My Girlfriend has just passed AIB

    That's my rant over. I feel much better now, too.
     
  17. Re: Mail On Sunday: "MoD has banned the Navy's Cocktail part

    HarryM - take a stand easy will you?

    Guns is absolutely right. I was on killlicks leadership course with a smattering guys from the Royal Yacht (and they never even tried to shag our arses either ...)
    As we tried to be dismissive of the Yacht (as you did) they pointed out how much business was signed for during functions when the Yacht parked up in a non base port. Completely shot down in flames.

    A lot of businessmen have egos far bigger than a US carrier. And if we (Pusser) can create a different style of opportunity for businessmen to sell products made in UK PLC then they will thrive on these events - even if you and I think that they are a waste of time.
     
  18. One more thought: When our ships go abroad, the locals usually push out the boat and arrange special events to welcome us. CTPs go some way to reciprocate this hospitality. Contrast this with the treatment received by foreign ships in our ports where the local papers print headlines such as: "Cash registers ring out as foreign warship visits city!".
     

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