Made up funny dits.

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by TailGunner09, Jun 9, 2009.

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  1. Dits that people have made up on the spot but are funny as f**k and totally out off this world .


    My oppo said he was on the focsle of a type 23 when at specials when a great big goffer hit the ship and with it a dolphin landed on the focsle. lol So he picked the dolphin up and through it back over the side and when the dolphin was in mid air turned around and winked at him as if to say cheers shippers lolol
  2. Another one :

    Same guy full of shit lolol

    Was having a tab on the Ark Royal in one of the boat bays and he was playing with a 2 pence peace. He flicked the 2 pence over the side and he heard a ting noise. So he looks over the side of the ship and there it is a Russian Akula class submarine right next to the ship, the captian was standing in the conning tower saluting him then the submarine dived lololol

    very random lol
  3. "I had a fat-arsed mate in the MN who always squats over the pan when he takes a shit. This is because the last time the sweaty bast went for a plop his big chunky cheeks created a perfect seal round the base. The gormless chucker goes to wobble back to his feet and the bloated elbow at the end of his kebab-stick arm goes and hits the flusher. Wobbling around like a fluffy manatee whilst sqealing like a seal out clubbing the enormous vacuum from the crapper pulls out fattie's shitter like a meatloaf party-popper! Before you can say 'prolapse', mongo chops is spasming on the floor trying to get up, looking like spaghetti bolognese on a breakdancing pig.. Two of his oppos try and lift the portly penguin up but can't manage due to a combination of the cramped conditions and the unmentionable atrosity that is the stench emanating from his exposed guff. The only possibility of transporting him to the meds is by sliding him along the corridors on his belly, rewarding all the curious onlookers with a sight they won't forget too soon :lol: "

    Moral of the story? Being a fat bugger and leaving the toilet seat up makes for a lethal combination :wink:
  4. sgtpepperband

    sgtpepperband War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    No Matelot worth his salt would admit to making up a dit (borrowed or otherwise...) :shock: :twisted:
  5. Very true,all dits are pure genuine stories. :wink:
  6. Boll*cks, there only true when I spin em, I recon the rest of you tell lies. :D

    Mind you as a boy seaman I was told the Fred Quimby's were true cus they were in colour. The war office explained recently I had been lied to. 8O
    You Bast*rds you ruined my life. :cry: :cry:
  7. You mean they arent true? I'm gutted,now to tell the children. :twisted:
  8. I'm pretty sure this one is true, but it's so fukced up that I want to believe it's not.

    A couple of years ago now, some fine young chaps from Cambridge played a game called - "Tommy's out". Now, this game is very much like "hide and seek" with two major differences. Firstly, it only takes one person to decide to play the game then everyone else just plays by default. Secondly, the thing you are seeking isn't human, it's a turd.

    The game is initiated, usually at a booze fueled party, by a person, having "hidden tommy", walking to where the house owner or tenant is currently standing and saying, "Tommy's out". After the initial few punches thrown in anger, the house owner and any of his friends then have to hunt down "Tommy".

    This game continued for quite a few years with people coming up with more and more ingenious places for tommy to hide. It all came to a close one fateful June day. One month earlier at a particularly drunken party someone decided to hide tommy. Their chosen location? The margarine tub. This in itself would have been quite a good hiding place, but this bugger decides to carefully remove the margarine in the tub, sh1t in it, then replace the margarine on top. Needless to say,no one could find tommy. Now back to that day in June. The house owner's parents were visiting and, having stayed the night, decided to get up early in the morning and make some toast for breakfast. The margarine had been used a little over the last month and now there was a very thin coating still hiding tommy. Needless to say, when Tommy was eventually discovered whilst spreading the fourth slice of toast, hilarity did not ensue...
  9. There's a very old dit about a matelot and a booty who are big oppo's.
    The booty is RA in Pompey and they are both stationed at Whale Island.
    The booty asks Jack up homers for tea and he goes.
    Booty tells him to be on his best behaviour and NO swearing.
    During tea jack wants the jam and asks the booty "Pass the f*ckin possy"
    Jesus cry's the booty, "Language"
    Sorry says Jack,
    Pass the F*ckin jam. :D :D :D
  10. Good Old Fred. Tom and Jerry are true I read it in A.F.O.s
  11. Only when in colour..........................apparently 8O :D

    Although me and Rod think we may have been lied to. :cry:

    I'm gonna get that f*ckin L/seaman Hurst.........if he's still alive I'll kill him.
    And if he's dead I'll ressurect the basta*d and then kill him. 8O :D
  12. This dit was told me by a very extraordinary seaman, a very spontaneously funny man, who could make anything sound funny, even when he told us about his survival from the Battleship Repulse in which he served as a boy seaman. Here's to you "Scouse Hewlett".

    Never having served in a carrier what he told us sounded true but knowing Scouse...........
    So he's in the forward heads and he can hear a rush and bang of feet from several deck's up heading his way.
    Down and nearer comes the rush. Suddenly the door flys open, and into the next trap flys an anonymous body and ahhhhhhhh, splash shite shite shite, ahhhhh.
    Being somewhat constipated Scouse shout to the next trap,"f*ck me mate I wish that was me".
    "So do I" comes the immediate reply,"I ain't got me f*ckin ovies off yet" 8O :oops: :D :D
  13. One of the salty old killicks off my last ship was full of outstanding dits, my personal favourite:

    He's on the FX of one of his ships down south doing a spot of painting and a big old goffer comes up and knocks him over the side. As he splashes wildy in the freezing S. Atlantic, a further goffer sweeps him up onto the AX. Not a drop of topcoat was spilled either.

    I personally wouldn't put it past him!
  14. We had a guy that reckoned he was sunbathing below the ramp on a carrier in the Med and when one of the Harriers took off a wheel fell off and HE CAUGHT IT!! Cool as you like he walks over to the senior WAFU and says"I believe this is yours!" 8O
  15. There was a brain dead PO deckape on my last ship,who told us that he had been swimming in the sea of tranquility :roll:
    And that his brother in law was a pilot in the USAF, and he once brought him over from the states in a jet fighter for a weekend leave and then took him back! :?

    I actually believe that he may have been swimming on the moon...

    ...But to say that a yank actually flew across the atlantic and navigate his way to britain without getting lost or sinking some innocent ship en-route is really taking the piss!!
  16. There was a dit going around the fleet many years ago which a good many of the old un's will have heard but is still amusing.

    An officers steward used to take the Jimmy a cup of Kye to the bridge every morning as he kept a standing morning watch.
    No matter what the weather up would come his Kye cup full to the brim.
    One morning the jimmy says to him "how come whatever the weather the cup is always full"?
    "I'll tell you when we pay off is the reply"
    Same question same answer for two years.
    On the day of pay off the jimmy asks him again.
    Well says the steward, I fill it to the brim, I take one great gulper and run to the bridge annex, there I spit it back and hey presto one full cup of kye. 8O 8O :D :D :D :D

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