When you are feeling down with the pressures of Christmas and new year. You're skint! The weather's shit. You need new shoes and the arse is hanging out of your kecks. Nobody loves you and the Samaritans keep hanging up on you. You can always rely on the shite to give you a fucking good laugh!
Rafa to Ngog, 'What do you think you are doing? You've inflicted shame and disgrace on this club - that's my job!'
A bloke finds a bottle, gives it a rub and out pops a Genie. The Genie says "I'll grant you one wish". The bloke says he'd like to see his dog win at Crufts. The Genie looks at the dog, which has 3 legs, no teeth and riddled with fleas and says "I'm a Genie not a miracle worker, I'll give you another go".
The bloke then said that he would like to see the Liverpool win the premiership. The Genie said, "Where's the dog, I'll give it a go"
Rafa Benitez is stood at his local building society when an armed robber bursts in. Feeling brave he tackles the robber and in the mayhem he falls over and bangs his head on the floor knocking him out cold. When he finally comes round a female member of staff is kneeling next to him tending his wound. "Where am I ?" he asks the girl, she says "You are in the Nationwide", Benitez says "Fuck me is it May already !
A man is pulled over by the cops and asked to provide a breath sample.
"Sorry" says the bloke. "I can't." and produces a card on which is printed:
N H S this man is rgistered asthmatic any kind of exhertion could prove fatal.
"Ok" says the cop. "A blood test will do."
"Sorry" says the bloke. "I can't." and produces a second card on which is printed:
N H S this man is a registered haemophiliac any attempt to take blood could prove fatal.
"Ok" says the cop. "A urine test it is then."
"Sorry" says the bloke and produces a third card on which is printed:
LIVERPOOL.F.C. THIS MAN IS A RGISTERED SUPORTER, HE HAS HAD ENOUGH PISS TAKEN OUT OF HIM.
It now seems that after the MP's Expenses scandal, all Liverpool fans are also being investigated. Apparently 95% of them have been claiming for a second home on Merseyside.
Welcome to the red shite's end of season party. Fancy dress 1970's & 80's attire only. Free drinks, but only Bitter available, and bitter lemon for the designated drivers. No doubles or trebles. Drinks only served in glasses, not CUPS. Rafa will be present on the evening to show off his special party trick of making Â£200m disappear into thin air with fuck all to show for it.
Dear Jeremy Kyle - I am 16 and pregnant, and my parents don't know. My lover is thirty years older than me and married, and has just come out of prison after ten years for gun and drug smuggling. He is also bisexual and has a host of lovers of both persuasions. He lives in a squat and robs constantly to make end meet. My problem is Jeremy how do I tell my mum and dad that he supports Liverpool.