Limericks

[skyvet]

My infantile sense of humour was tickled by the spate of limericks that suddenly appeared in the "Things that p*ss you off" thread, and I thought them worthy of their own thread! Hopefully we can assemble a compendium of childish verses to lighten our day?? Here's my contribution to start off what I hope will be up everyone's street ...............

There was a young girl from Devises,
Whose tits were of two different sizes,
One was so small,
It was no use at all,
But the other was huge, and won prizes.

Over to you ...................

 

[bollotom]

There were three witches of Kent
Who carried an old man off in a tent
The dirty old witches
They pulled down his britches
And swung on his dick 'til it bent.

 

[huwshpis]

There was a young lady of Wantage
Of whom the Town Clerk took advantage;
Said the Borough Surveyor,
"Of course you must pay her -
You've altered the line of her frontage!"

 

[Dusty70]

Local one - it's where I live

A kinky young girl from Bexhill,
Tried a dynamite stick for a thrill,
They found her vagina, in North Carolina,
and bits of her tits in Brazil.

 

[Dusty70]

Remember this - it's limerick style -

I'll never forget the smell of the sweat,
From under her armpit,
It wasn't the grass that tickled her arse,
But my little finger.

I'll never forget the brownhatter I met,
On Waterloo station,
He gave me a chew, I'll do it for you,
Oh what a sensation.

Remember the night I fell in the shite,
With me brand new suit on.
The one that I got for selling the lot,
Of my blue line coupons.

Just for a laugh I went down the park,
And pissed on the flowers,
You sat on a rock and played with me cock,
For hours and hours.

We went to the sea I knew it would be,
A time of emotion,
We laid on the sand my prick in your hand,
I pissed in the ocean.

We went for a ride, side by side,
We developed a wobble,
We fell on the grass I played with your arse,
You gave me a gobble

magic moments...............................dah de dah etc etc

 

[ratsroden]

There was a young man from Ghent
Whose tool was so long that it bent
To save him the trouble
He put it in double
And instead of coming he went

 

[higthepig]

There once was an ancient old Bloke
who picked up a girl for a poke
He pulled down her pants
Fucked her into a trance
then shit in her shoe for a joke.

 

[skyvet]

A nun with a heavenly bod,
Thought her child was a gift from God,
But it wasn't the almighty
Who lifted her nightie,
It was Roger the lodger, the sod!

 

[barny006]

There was a young man from Cosham,
Who took out his balls to wash them,
His mum said Jack if you don't put them back.
I jump on the buggers and squash them.

 

[taffscrivs]

There was a young fellow from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds,
The roots of the grass grew out of his ass,
And his balls were covered with weeds.

 

[skyvet]

Wow! I got an "excellent topic"! Thanks Polto (there's a first time for everything)

 

[skyvet]

And just to prove that limericks don't have to be smutty - one I heard a while back that made me chuckle ......

There was a young man called Paul,
Who grew so incredibly tall,
That when laying in bed,
He could stretch out his leg,
And turn off the light in the hall

 

[taffscrivs]

In a cave not far from home,
By the light of a dangling tit,
Whoflungdung was murdered,
By his sister Whoflungshit.

 

[Wightsparker]

On the breasts of a barmaid from Sale,
Was tattooed the price of good ale,
And on her behind - for the sake of the blind -
The same thing was written in Braille.

 

[dapperdunn]

Why do I get the feeling some people have been on Google?

 

[Shipspotter]

There was a woman from Australia,
Who thought all dicks were a failure,
She laid on her back,
Opened her crack,
And in backed a lorry and trailer

 

[Wightsparker]

Why do I get the feeling some people have been on Google?

Quite possibly, DD, but not in my case. I have even translated into French, with the help of a French barmaid in Leeds, a version of the Sale Barmaid :

Sur la poitrine d'une serveuse de Versailles,
Les prix des bon vins par bouteille,
Et sur son derriere - pour les aveugles, mon cher -
La meme chose, mais ecrit en Braille.

And the French barmaid? The answer to the unspoken question was no - her boyfriend was built like une maison de merde fabriquee en brique.

 

[skyvet]

Zut alores! Maintenant les matelots parlant en langue etrangere! Quel que soit le prochain?

 

[huwshpis]

Pam lai? Mae rai ohonym ni yn gwbl ddwy-ieithog.

(For the uninitiated, "Why not? Some of us are completely bilingual.")

 

[bollotom]

You buggers might be German
Or French called Pierre or Herman
But since you sound weird
I'm burning my beard
And driving my tank called Sherman.