Life Outside

Discussion in 'The Quarterdeck' started by dt018a9667, May 14, 2006.

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  1. For a starter found this on a Navy related site (not sure where) hope you like.

    1. Build a shelf in the top of your wardrobe, fit a thin mattress and sleep on top of it.
    2. Remove the wardrobe door and replace it with a curtain that is too small.
    3. Wash your socks and underpants in the bathroom sink every night, then hang them on the water pipes to dry.
    4. Four hours after you have gone to bed, instruct your wife to whip open the curtain, shine a torch in your face and say, "Sorry mate, wrong pit!"
    5. When you have a shower, remember to turn the water off when you soap.
    6. Every time there is a thunderstorm, sit in a wobbly rocking-chair and rock as hard as you can until you are violently sick.
    7. Put diesel oil into a humidifier and set it on high to achieve that wonderful Ship Aroma.
    8. Don't watch TV except for a movie at 2030. For added realism, have the family vote for which movie to have and then select a different one.
    9. Leave a lawnmower running in the house to re-create correct noise levels.
    10.Have the postman or paperboy give you a haircut fortnightly.
    11.Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, ensuring that the soot is carried over to your neighbour's home. When he comes to complain, laugh in his face and say "That's life in a blue suit mate"
    12.Buy a rubbish compactor, but only use it once a week, storing all of your rubbish in the shower cubicle.
    13.Wake up at midnight each night and make a sandwich out of anything you can find.
    14.Have a fridge in your home specifically for beer. put a lock on it and give the key to the local policeman.
    15.Keep spare keys for above and empty it every lunchtime.
    16.Devise your family menu a week in advance without looking in the fridge or freezer.
    17.Once a month, take apart every household appliance then re-assemble them.
    18.Use four spoonfuls of coffee per cup and wait 3 hours before drinking it.
    19.Invite 40 people you don't like, to stay in your house for a couple of months.
    20.Install a small fluorescent strip light under your coffee table then lie underneath it to read a book.
    21.Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of all the doors in the house, so you will either bang your head or skin your shins every time you pass through them.
    22.When baking a cake, prop one side of the cake tin against the side of the oven and when it has cooled, spread icing thickly on lower side to even it out.
    23.Every so often throw one of the kids into the bath and scream "Man overboard!" Sling in a sponge with a flag on it, then run into the kitchen and sweep all the pots and pans onto the floor and yell at your wife for not securing for sea.
    24.Get your wife and kids to clean their rooms every evening and at 1900 wander around the house with the local policeman.
    25.Name your favourite shoes "Steaming Bats" then get the kids to hide them around the house.
    26.Lie on your bed, or sofa and fart for absolutely no reason.
    27.Insist on going to the local post office for your mail and get them to phone you when it is ready for collection.
    28.On Saturday morning walk around the house, whistling loudly and insist that everyone you pass stands to attention.
    29.Paint the outside of your house battleship grey and put the number on the wall in big black letters.
    30.Put windows and a bloody big wheel in your loft.
    31.Every Thursday at 0500 in the morning, run around the house yelling "Hands to Action Stations!"
    32.Roll up a soft porn magazine and stick it behind the cistern in the toilet all of your visitors can read it.
    33. When the family demands more food, yell back at them "WHAT DO YOU EXPECT FOR 39p PER DAY, PER MAN"!
  2. Happy memories! I still turn off the shower to lather up before turning it on again to rinse off the suds! :lol:

    Oh and I really do miss being shaken at 0350 in the morning...
  3. Give me your address and I'll be round later on! I do enjoy screaming at the person to wake them up!

    Just make sure your head is up the top end and your feet are at the bottom, also where some undies! I don't want to be touching anything uninnocent!
  4. Were you thinking about tipping my bed up then? Undies: oh no, I'm too old to wear funny things like those to bed. I wear my shower kit! :lol: Anything uninnocent? I'd have you know Jenny_D that I'm an ex-Ganges Nozzer - a byword for innocence :wink: :lol: In fact I haven't worn pyjamas since I left that place!
  5. That made me laugh, i wasn't in for long and i've not been out for long but for some real bizarre reason I miss it all!!!!!!!!!!!!
  6. Beware, there are people on the forum who shall remain nameless, OK its "Submatelot", who don't always shout when they wake you up at 0350.
    A certain AB UC who was always late to relieve said "Submatelot" woke up at 0350 as a big Australian fist spread his nose all over his face. Strange that was the very last time he ever relieved anyone late.

  7. Not forgetting:

    34. Disconnect your telephone for two days to 'maintain radio silence.'
    35. Whenever a wildlife programme shows animals mating, shout "Do her ***********!" and "Suck him off!" at the TV.
    36. Stand at the end of your drive for four hours to prevent unauthorised visitors.
    37. Conduct a fire drill just as your family sits down for its evening meal.
  8. And don't forget the modifications to the foundations.

    Fit a hydraulic ram and at mealtimes tip the house over to 45 degrees and shake it !
  9. Nutty , I'm well impressed with your AVATAR , I assume that is you , I'm not up to speed with the technical side of things yet to be able to do phot's yet , but I'm quite happy with my AVATAR as it is . I'm still a one finger typist , :roll: :lol:
  10. janner

    janner War Hero Book Reviewer

    dondon, the AVATAR would only show about a third of Nutty, mind you I'm given to understand that a get fit regieme has now been put into place
  11. 39. Nobody is allowed out of the house without your express permission, and any trips ashore are not a right but a priviledge.

    40. Any member of your family who is aged under the age of 18 must sleep in the most uncomfortable part of the house, be given the most unpleasant jobs (such as being made Captain of the Heads) and strictly forbidden to drink any alcohol, even at Christmas. They are also allowed less leave than anyone else.

    41. All members of the household must buy their own clothing and washing powder out of their weekly pocket money which will be paid at a weekly pay muster...

    42. Whenever British forces are sent abroad you must read over your tannoy system, both inside and outside the house, the Article of War. If anyone desserts their alloted post or sleeps on watch (eg on TV watch) you will try and sentence them then hang them from the nearest lamp post you can find! If they are are aged under 18, they will have to listen to Cliff Richard for a whole day insread, as an act of leniency!
  12. Do you mean that he's a bit on the large side now, still impressed with his AVATAR though , looks like a relic from the second world war , only joking Nutty :roll: :twisted: :roll:
  13. janner

    janner War Hero Book Reviewer

    Its a pretty good likeness of any of us that served in the DE Boats during the '60's thats for sure
  14. Sitting in your living room, feet up and enjoying a good cuppa with reruns of dad' army. You find yourself stopping your kids/partner from leaving the house before 4pm due to not having a 'make-a-mend' chit :wink:
  15. Get all the family members to take it in turns to scrub the floors then lay thick layer upon layer of MEP polish to a high sheen (shouting at anyone who dares to walk on it "if you can't ******* hover dont ******* bovver"). Then when they are all nice and shiny, the next night you can strip it all off and start again.

    I love this site cos when i remember shit like that I am glad I am out...
  16. wake up the missus at 3am and report the fact that the Port windscreen wiper isn't working and needs replacing. Then suggest she get her "tush" out of her pit and do do it now in the pouring rain.

    Tell her its good for the soul !
  17. i still remember all the LH's of our mess kicking the rest of us out so they could have a film night, they sent us up the flat to clean it and said they did not care how much we did.
    so we did one tile, with 15 of us stood round it waiting for it to dry :lol:
  18. Hide all fresh milk. Make up lumpy powdered milk substitute. When real milk has just gone off, use it to wet the teas and coffees.

    In the car, set the air-conditioning to 10 deg in winter and 30 deg in summer.

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