Life, actually it is pretty shite after all.

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by 2_deck_dash, Nov 11, 2009.

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  1. I've got man flu, the Police have decided to come and do a spot check at work tomorrow so I will have to babysit two coppers all day, it's fcuking freezing and I've forgotten my coat, I got a puncture on my car the other day and it cost £180 to get a new tyre, my missus has got the painters in so no fun and games for me tonight, my boiler has broken down and British Gas want £50 just to come and look at it, my wife is making quiche for dinner, I fcuking hate quiche, all my mates are indoors playing something called Call of Duty, I'm not allowed an Xbox or PS3 because I have a remote control M*A*S*H Helicopter, I broke my remote control M*A*S*H Helicopter whilst trying to fly it indoors while pissed.

    On the plus side, I do have some wine.
  2. That's the spirit.
  3. No, I said wine.
  4. So the wife has the painters in, who gives a fcuk , women are horny as fcuk when the flag is up, yes it is a bit messy and if you muff it after there may be some solids to pick out of your teeth.
    Give the manhood a serious dhoby after you have had a tab sos not to grow penile warts.
  5. Drink some 'Brasso', go nuts.
  6. You don't expect sympathy on here do you?
  7. Sounds to me like many of your woes would be solved by windmilling into your missus. She clearly doesn't spend enough of her day in tears, wiping your angry spittle off her buised features.
  8. Good idea! I'd tried all the traditional hobbies like holocaust denial, sheds, amateur gynacology and what not, infact I'm ashamed to admit I even joined the TA! But none of these seemed to take the edge off my otherwise shite existence. Cheers for your suggestion, I will try it out as soon as I get home from work.
  9. Well I need to tell you that you could give all that superficial shite up and turn black.
    I did and my life has become wonderful. First my c0ck grew a few more inches,and people cross the road when I walk the streets so I always have room on the pavement.
    I ask people for the time at night and they usually throw money at me screaming please don't hurt me.
    I have more people to talk to now than I ever did before, the police stop me a lot for a chat, and are always anxious to discuss my holidays, "where have you been", or"where are you going are questions always being thrown at me.
    They discuss my car with me, they are always interested to look it over and view my new sound system etc.
    I can jump higher than before, I can dance like never before and have even been invited to a clothing party by some gentlemen in the USA, who sent me an email.
    I unfortunately cannot go as I cannot afford the air fare and secondly I never wear Neck ties.
    So all in all things are great, I hope your house is decorated nice and remember policemen are your friends
  10. I hope you smile and give them an azimuth clue.
  11. Yeah it's great for you gentlemen of colour. As a white man I have to put up with a small cock, I can't listen to rap music without coming across as a walt, I am shite at basketball and dancing, I get sunburnt, the police call me 'Sir' even though I work for a living, I get approached by those charity mugger cnuts in the street because they assume I am rich and worst of all everytime I have sex i run the small risk of producing ginger offspring.
  12. I must admit to having some white genealogy scottish I think because I do remember great grand pappy ebenezer telling pappy that his sister had had been raped by a member of some Klan.
    Life is not all brilliant though as my cousin has loads of cars but never seems to keep them long, and my uncle umbazio is always having car accidents but seems to be well compensated. I had to take junior to the sexual health clinic to have his member inspected but they could not do it as the woman only work Monday and Tuesday, so not got enough time.
    I have been in prison today visiting my bro, he very worried. There is three men in the cell with him and the judge tell the first he getting ten years for attacking a young girl. He said he give him twelve if she been cut more. He tell the other he getting 15 years for stabbing a woman, but he give him 20 if she die., He tell my bro that he give him 25 years for riding his bike with no lights. He tell him he get 30 if it had been dark.
    So all in all things still pretty good and we ate for the third time today since sunday so this sure is easy living in this UK. :roll: :D :wink:
  13. Seconded. The only manly solution is to disconnect the phone, whisper "You're mine mo" and set about her with a recently warmed iron. Cuddle her when you've finished re-arranging her teeth and tell her you love her. Add that it's her disrespect and cold-hearted selfishness that forces you to resort to violence and she'll soon realise it's all her fault and then, you're laughing.
    If she resists, grab her by the neck, pin her against the wall and say "I'm doing this because I care so much" The give her the forearm cuntsmash of death.

    Hey presto, Xboxs, PS3s, MASH helicopters and beer helmets agogo.

    Domestic violence: It's the key to a happy life.

    Edited because "rape" is a bit taboo.
  14. Right everyone, after going home and smashing my missus up a bit, I am feeling much more positive about things. You're right, there is nothing more satisfying than watching her desperately crawl towards the telephone in a trail of blood, only to find it unplugged from the wall.

    I have also just been to Greggs the bakers and have munched a sausage roll and a steak bake washed down with a cup of Heinz soup. Things are definitely on the up, thanks for all your help.
  15. You've only truly won if she says "Thank you, I deserved that" whilst crying and rocking backwards and forwards, head down with her knees pulled to her chest.

    Show that fcuking bitch who's boss.

    Was the Steak Bake hotter than the centre of the sun?
  16. Yes, I am writing this in the A&E waiting room, while I wait for a plastic surgeon to come and re-construct the inside of my mouth. It was fcuking worth it though.

    Mmmmmmmm Greggs.
  17. Did you run out of Stella? You know who to blame................
  18. All that to endure and you're a raving heemer too?
    FFS man, grip yourself! Get some rum, whisky, vodka or other top shelf product down your neck.
    All your problems will soon be gone in a misty haze of alcoholic bliss and if you quaff enough your morning hangover will give you something to take your mind off your other worries.
  19. Ah! those helicopters!
    I bought mine for 50euros or thereabouts, since which time I have spent what must be a few hundred taking it back to the shop for new bits, bits I have managed to smash.
    In fact the ony useful thing it does, is to drive Jack Russels crazy :twisted: they hate them. Try buzzing one in your local park and see how it reacts, but don't let them catch it of course.
    So far there has not been a single flight that has not seen some sort of damage or other.
    Have you thought of buying an air gun and shooting out streetlights? It's really therapeutic.
  20. I used a friend's brand new and quite expensive little helicopter at his house once. As he lived in an enormous Georgian house with high ceilings it was a blast. Until that is I flew it past his equally enormous fireplace, burning what appeared to be entire trees. The updraft sucked the thing into the fire and fucked it through the chimney. I'm not allowed to use his toys now. Gutted

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