Lessons in Road Rage

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by Tas-ape, Mar 12, 2008.

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  1. A driving test examiner has this week sparked controversy by including a "road rage" test as part of the practical driving test. Mr Limpit, a former deputy headteacher at Hallamshire Military School in Cumbria, insists that being able to manage stressful car situations provides the learner driver with real life practical experience.

    He told The Spoof "By testing the temperament of each driver as well as there ability on the road will help us wheedle out those drivers that become insane with rage the second they leave the test centre. These people need anger management training as part of the test and I'm going to provide it".

    His style has not been well received with those that have gone through Mr Limpit's new approach, however. One driver confessed: "I was petrified. I'd just completed my three point turn when he slammed his clipboard down and started screaming in my face. He shouted: 'You tw*t, you f***ing idiot' he was shouting and he was inches from my face. I didn't know what to - I just sat there and froze."

    Another would-be driver, an IT Consultant from Morecambe said "I'd pulled up at a t-junction and he asked me to stop. I wasn't sure what he was doing but then he got out of the car, walked round to the driver's window and started slamming his head against the glass. I panicked and drove off as fast as I could. When he got back an hour later he failed me for using excessive speed and perspiring under harassment."

    Things really came to a head however, when Mrs Mavis Aldridge, a retired nursery school teacher from Widnes, placed a complaint with the DVLA. Speaking of her ordeal she said "I'm 64 you know and this was my 18th attempt. I've always been extremely nervous but Mr Limpit put me at ease to start off with. I'd done ever so well all the way round but about half a mile from the test centre he asked me to stop in the middle of the road. He climbed out of the car and started jumping up and down on the bonet! He was screaming 'you doddering old bastard, who the f*ck taught you to drive, Mr Magoo?'. I have to admit, I did lose bladder control a little bit."

    The DVLA yesterday revoked Mr Limpit's license to complete the examinations following an altercation during a test with a farmer. Mr Limpit is alleged to have asked the farmer if he could make a ewe turn.

    Cumbrian police are investigating the incident. :w00t:
     
  2. TEN ITEMS ONLY

    Supermarket giant Asda is re-thinking its queuing system after a vicious outburst of ‘checkout rage'.

    Dad of two Tom Waterson (45) suffered two black eyes, a fractured cheekbone and three cracked ribs when he was attacked in front of his children by a 23-year-old woman.

    Hairdresser Charlotte Mercer launched her frenzied assault when she counted the items in Mr Waterson's basket and discovered he had 11 and yet was standing at the ‘less than 10 items' checkout.

    Ms Mercer had to be physically removed from the pole-axed electrician by security staff and, while waving clumps of his hair, screamed obscenities at the semi-conscious shopper and his apparent inability to count.

    She later claimed she had lost her temper when she realised Mr Waterson was about to ignore the ‘less than 10 items' sign.

    "I'm so fed up with this," she claimed. "We're all busy people and if the checkout says ‘hand baskets only' or '10 items or less' then everyone should heed that - or take the consequences.

    "And, I'm pretty ticked off at supermarket staff who ignore their own rules and treat us rule-abiding shoppers like we're morons.

    "I say count the items in your neighbour's basket and, if they're over the limit, then tell them to move or you'll make them move."

    A spokesman for Asda confirmed that Mr Waterson did, in fact, have 11 pieces in his basket though he said that two of these were a special three for two offer; this, therefore, technically dropped him below the 10-item limit.

    He added: "This is probably the most violent case we've had but it is, by no means, the only one.

    "We will be looking at our checkout colleagues to take on more of a policing role to weed out those who try to sneak an extra item or two through."

    Recovering from his ordeal, Mr Waterson said: "One second I'm unloading my basket and the next this well-coiffured banshee is whacking the bejesus out of me.

    "It gave me quite a turn, though the kids seemed to think it was funny."
     
  3. On the rare occasions I use supermarkets the old security maxim is put into practice:
    Get in, seize the target, get out!
    I hate the damned places and anyone who lingers then more fool them.
    Always go with a list and never cruise the aisles, no eye contact no chit chat.
     
  4. I'm with you Sussex. Can't stand them. I simply allow Mrs Drunken to shop. Much safer all round with the added bonus that she comes home with far nicer things than I'd buy.....
    On the above subject though, if I do venture in to one it winds me up no end when eejits don't play the game. I can understand the woman's frustration but to resort to violence is a tad excessive.
     
  5. You should feel sorry for me, until I get in I'm stuck working in one
     
  6. Dave - you poor bastard!! You have my absolute sympathy. Try not to let it get you too down and stay away from the booze aisle.

    SF
     
  7. Haha. Thank you Silver Fox. Next time you do your weekly shop just give a thought for the poor bastards who are stuck there for nine hours.
     
  8. Mate - when I go there with the wife I AM stuck there for nine hours!!

    PSML

    SF
     
  9. Speaking of supermarket rage. Get this. There was only one hot 'n' spicy sausage left in the hot deli & an elderly lady casually picked it up & put it in her trolley. Out of the blue a male OAP steps up & exclaims "Excuse me I wanted to buy that" and grabs hold of the sausage the old lady says "Please put that back, I'm sure there will be some more coming shortly" and she grabs the other end of the sausage. The old man starts to become irrate and begins to start effing at her, she returns his volley with an equal amount of foul language, this goes on for a while. Then the old man punches the woman in the face & walks off.

    He gets taken down by security & the police are called in...and they say the youth of today.
     
  10. Sounds like a scene from 'Allo, Allo. Bloody pensioners - don't they know they can't afford the sausage in the first place.

    What would the Chancellor think? No rise for them next year I think.

    SF
     
  11. Ah but the spaniard has always had funny shopping habits. When my exs father had a place out their we did most of our shopping at the twice weekly market, used to enjoy joining the locals in the bus stop cafe for breakfast on the way a cafe congac. Fish was from the fish market in the early evening. If you were fussy there was a supermarket in 'little england'.

    As for road/trolley/check out rage, I though the great british public didn't need any lessons, it all came naturally.
     
  12. ah got punched in the back by some old dear because I was in her way
    problem was it was xmas and I was surrounded and couldnt move
    I still believe all trolleys should have cow catchers to run the old folk out the way
     
  13. Tas Ape where did you find these snippets? Viz? I seem to remember both articles appearing in Volume 1.
    NZB
     
  14. If we do get a rise next year, it will below inflation!
     
  15. You know how it goes Bootneck, the gaffers complete their respective Foxtrot Oscars (Wed. afetrnoon till Sat. morning) you are sitting in the orifice on yer Jack and you have a hunt for something totally irrelavant which leads to something else and so on and so forth. Just a case of doing a good "Google" then follow links until you find what you were not really looking for any way. Reference the "Viz" can't access that at work as everything even mildly on the naughty side is Firewalled and logged. This is Saudi Arabia afterall. Anyway that's the boyo's back need to burger orft.
     
  16. A 'carrajillo' is a small black coffee with a healthy splash of spirit or liquer in it, standard is brandy, but you can have anything you like, my favourite is anise.
    It's what gets white van man going in the mornings around here..and then he'll work for hours. Bless 'em!
     
  17. NEVERWANTED wrote: I still believe all trolleys should have cow catchers to run the old folk out the way.

    Why not go for the complete Ben Hurr and fix blades. If that isn't allowed, what about a brace of cattle prods with an operating switch fixed to the [absurdly named] steering bar.

    SF
     
  18. now thats what I like to hear plans for more fun ways to deal with them blocking the aisles :violent1:
     
  19. A sort of pin-ball swiper device? suitable for those children that are allowed to use the place as a playground..
     
  20. howabout something to collect the cuter of the brats mums too :money:
     

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