Key to heaven


Lantern Swinger
>>It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and the young
>>nun Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just
>>the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also
>>instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help
>>it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
>>The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the
>>Saturday night bath had gone. "Oh, sister," said the young nun
>>dreamily, "I've been saved."
>>"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.
>>Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash
>>him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between
>>his legs
>>where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."
>>"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.
>>Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key
>>to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me
>>and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father
>>John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."
>>"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.
>>"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to
>>salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon
>>swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being
>>"That wicked old devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was
>>Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!


War Hero
A pongo , crabfat and matelot all die on the same day and end up outside the
pearly gates. Saint Peter is stood there and says " Before you can come in
you have to tell me what you've done in your life"
The crabfat says ,’’ I served my country for 22 years, married a lady, had
two children , went to church every Sunday, never worn jeans and have never
drank. Sir’’
St. Peter says "OK, you're in, stand over there"
Next the pongo steps forward and tells St. Peter what he'd done.
‘’I served my country for 22 years, married twice, had 4 kids, attended
church regularly, not worn jeans for 22 years and only drank at weekends.
Sir’’ and he saluted.
St. Peter says "OK, you're in stand over there"
St. Peter turns round and Jack is walking back down the cloudy stairs.
St. Peter says "Where you going"
Jack replies "I ain't got no chance"
St. Peter says "No, no you have to play the game"
Jack says ok. "Well ermmm I served my country for 22 years, married 3 times
had 6 children and 4 outside wedlock, went with stacks of dubious ladies in
loads of different countries and even been with a kai thai, never been much
for church, at the drop of a hat got my lagging off and was pissed every
night and most times during the day.
St. Peter turns to the pongo and crab and says "You two are duty watch, me
and Jack are going ashore.’’