Just for the crack

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by Rumrat, Jun 10, 2010.

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  1. Genuine Council Complaints
    extracts from letters sent to various Councils and Housing Associations throughout the U.K.

    I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

    I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

    I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

    My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand.

    I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

    Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting married in September and she would like it in the garden before we move house.

    I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

    50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

    I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

    The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

    Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

    Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

    Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age pensioner and need it badly.

    I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6a.m., his cock wakes me up and now it's getting too much for me.

    The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

    Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

    I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

    Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

    I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six times, but I still have no satisfaction.

    This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2.

    My bush is really overgrown around the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

    ...and he's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take any more.

    ...that is his excuse for dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
  2. Thanks for that RR you made my day :lol:
  3. RR, To think my day couldnt get any better. I found myself giggling like a fooking baby.

    Top stuff :D
  4. Aircraft Gripe Sheets

    After every flight, airline pilots fill out a form called a "gripe sheet," which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.
    Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots, and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
    (P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
    (S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)
    P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
    S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

    P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
    S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

    P: Something loose in cockpit.
    S: Something tightened in cockpit.

    P: Dead bugs on windshield.
    S: Live bugs on backorder.

    P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
    S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

    P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
    S: Evidence removed.

    P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
    S: DME volume set to more believable level.

    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
    S: That's what they're there for.

    P: IFF inoperative.
    S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

    P: Suspected crack in windshield.
    S: Suspect you're right.

    P: Number 3 engine missing.
    S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

    P: Aircraft handles funny.
    S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

    P: Target radar hums.
    S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

    P: Mouse in cockpit.
    S: Cat installed.

    P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
    S: Took hammer away from midget.
  5. Actual doctor's comments on patients' charts.

    Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

    On the second day, the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.

    She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

    The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.

    The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

    Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

    The patient refused an autopsy.

    The patient has no past history of suicides.

    Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

    Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

    Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

    Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

    Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.

    She is numb from her toes down.

    While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

    The skin was moist and dry.

    Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

    Patient was alert and unresponsive.

    Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

    She stated that she had been constipated for most of her adult life, until

    she got a divorce.

    I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

    Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

    Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

    The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

    The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

    Skin: Somewhat pale but present.

    The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.

    Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

    Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

    Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
  6. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Complaint letter to Police


    Dear Sir/madam/ automated telephone answering service

    Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Leith police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try emailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this on to your colleagues in Leith by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or ouija board.

    As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in West Cromwell Street which is just off Commercial Street in Leith. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring sytem works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

    The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins.

    One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of calor gas between the two bins.

    If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

    What I suggest is this. After replying to this email with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before doing a three-point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

    I trust that when I take a clawhammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four-month head start before coming to arrest me.

    I remain sir, your obedient servant, Mr X

    2.. THE REPLY

    Dear Mr X,

    I have read your email and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you encountered in trying to contact the police.

    As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

    Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address/telephone number) and when may be suitable.

    Regards, PC Y Community Beat Officer


    Dear PC Y

    First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original email. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Leith Police station and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.

    Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own communitybeat officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills. In the five or so years I have lived in West Cromwell Street, I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself?

    Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with achin like a wash hand basin?

    It's surely only a matter of time before you are headhunted by MI5. Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Leith such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these t***s that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.

    The pitch behind the Citadel or the one at DKs are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Albert Dock.

    Should you wish to discuss these you should feel free to contact me. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Compass Bar.

    Regards Mr X

    P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the cleansing department.
  7. ***************************************************************************************************************************************************************

    Dear Mr. Thatcher,

    I have been a loyal user of your ‘Always’ maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.

    But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.

    Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from ‘the curse’? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body.

    Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call ‘an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.’ Isn’t the human body amazing?

    As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from ‘Aunt Flo’. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying, jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend’s testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey’s Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

    The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants… Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

    Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: ‘Have a Happy Period.’

    Are you ------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?

    FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything ‘happy’ about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreen’s armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

    For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like ‘Put down the Hammer’ or ‘Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong’, or are you just picking on us?

    Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull sh*t.

    And that’s a promise I will keep. Always!

  8. Kids Say The Funniest Things
    1. Jack was watching his Mom breast feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"

    2. Melanie asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Said Melanie, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."

    3. Steven hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

    4. Brittany had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?"

    5. Susan was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."

    6. Danni stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"

    7. Tammy was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

    8. Mark was engrossed in a young couple who were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

    9. Clinton was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"

    10. James was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"
  9. Don't Argue With The Gay Flight Attendant

    My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

    As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

    On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed an extremely well-dressed and exotic young woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

    She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."

    To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray up, Bitch."
  10. Ridiculous complaints made by holidaymakers

    A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".

    A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she’d been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the “do not disturb†sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.

    "The beach was too sandy."

    A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

    "Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

    "We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."

    "No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

    "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home."

    "My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

    "I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

    "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"

    "There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."

    "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

    "We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."

    "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

    "I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."

    "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

    "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."

    "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

    "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."
  11. 20 stupid questions asked by tourists

    "Are there any lakes in the Lake District?"

    "In what month is the May Day demonstration?"

    "What is the entry fee for Brighton?"

    "Why on earth did they build Windsor Castle on the flight path of Heathrow?"

    "Is this where Sharon and Ozzie actually live?"
    Asked a visitor to Osborne House, Isle of Wight

    "Is Wales closed during the winter?"

    "Can you tell me who performs at the circus in Piccadilly?"

    "Why did they build so many ruined castles and abbeys in England?"
    Asked a tourist at Whitby Abbey, North Yorkshire

    "What time do you switch the mist off?"
    Asked a visitor to Dover Castle and the Secret Wartime Tunnels, in Kent

    "Do you have any information on (former Page 3 girl) Samantha Fox?"

    "Which bus do I get from the Orkney Islands to the Shetland Islands?"

    "What time of night does the Loch Ness monster surface and who feeds it?"

    "Is Edinburgh in Glasgow?"

    "Can I wear high heels in Australia?"

    "Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round?"

    "I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks?"

    "Which direction is North in Australia?"

    "Was this man-made?"
    Asked a tourist at the Grand Canyon National Park

    "How much of the caves is underground?"
    Asked a tourist at the Carlsbad Caverns National Park

    "Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?"
    Asked a tourist at the Mesa Verde National Park
  12. * Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"
    * Witness: "I only have one, you know."

    * Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"
    * Witness: "By death."
    * Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

    * Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"
    * Witness: "July 15th."
    * Lawyer: "What year?"
    * Witness: "Every year."

    * Lawyer: "Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?"
    * Witness: "There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet."
    * Lawyer: "Can you identify the rifle?"
    * Witness: "Yes. There was something written on the side of it."
    * Lawyer: "And what did the writing say?"
    * Witness: "'Winchester'!"

    * Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"
    * Witness: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."

    * Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"
    * Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."
    * Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"
    * Witness: "Er...his face."

    * Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?"
    * Witness: "Yes."
    * Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"
    * Witness: "I forget."
    * Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?"

    * Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with you?"
    * Witness: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which."
    * Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?"
    * Witness: "Forty-five years."

    * Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"
    * Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"
    * Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"
    * Witness: "My name is Susan."

    * Lawyer: "Sir, what is your IQ?"
    * Witness: "Well, I can see pretty well, I think."

    * Lawyer: "Did you blow your horn or anything?"
    * Witness: "After the accident?"
    * Lawyer: "Before the accident."
    * Witness: "Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it."

    * Lawyer: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?"
    * Witness: "Yes."
    * Lawyer: "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"
    * Witness: "Yes, sir."
    * Lawyer: "What did she say?"
    * Witness: "'What disco am I at?'"

    * Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
    * Witness: "No."
    * Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
    * Witness: "No."
    * Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
    * Witness: "No."
    * Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
    * Witness: "No."
    * Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
    * Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
    * Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
    * Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

    * Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

    * Lawyer: "And you check your radar unit frequently?"
    * Officer: "Yes, I do."
    * Lawyer: "And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?"
    * Officer: "Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly."

    * Lawyer: "What happened then?"
    * Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
    * Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
    * Witness: "No."

    * Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
    * Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."

    * Lawyer: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

    * Lawyer: "So you were gone until you returned?"

    * Lawyer: "The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?"

    * Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"

    * Lawyer: "How long have you been a French Canadian?"

    * Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
    * Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"

    * Lawyer: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
    * Witness: "I went to Europe, sir."
    * Lawyer: "And you took your new wife?"

    * Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture."
    * Witness: "That's me."
    * Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"

    * Lawyer: "Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"

    * Lawyer: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"
    * Witness: "I'll be three months on November 8."
    * Lawyer: "Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?"
    * Witness: "Yes."
    * Lawyer: "What were you doing at that time?"

    * Lawyer: "How many times have you committed suicide?"
    * Witness: "Four times."

    * Lawyer: "Do you have any children or anything of that kind?"

    * Lawyer: "She had three children, right?"
    * Witness: "Yes."
    * Lawyer: "How many were boys?"
    * Witness: "None."
    * Lawyer: "Were there girls?"

    * Lawyer: "You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?"

    * Lawyer: "You say that the stairs went down to the basement?"
    * Witness: "Yes."
    * Lawyer: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

    * Lawyer: "Have you lived in this town all your life?"
    * Witness: "Not yet."

    * Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

    * Lawyer: "Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Eddington at the Rose Chapel?"
    * Witness: "It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30pm."
    * Lawyer: "And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time, is that correct?"

    * Lawyer: "What is your brother-in-law's name?"
    * Witness: "Borofkin."
    * Lawyer: "What's his first name?"
    * Witness: "I can't remember."
    * Lawyer: "He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?"
    * Witness: "No. I tell you, I'm too excited." (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) "Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name!"

    * Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?"
    * Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
    * Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?"
    * Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
    * Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?"
    * Witness: "No."

    * Lawyer: "Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?"
    * Witness: "No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region."

    * Lawyer: "What is your marital status?"
    * Witness: "Fair."

    * Lawyer: "Are you married?"
    * Witness: "No, I'm divorced."
    * Lawyer: "And what did your husband do before you divorced him?"
    * Witness: "A lot of things I didn't know about."

    * Lawyer: "And who is this person you are speaking of?"
    * Witness: "My ex-widow said it.

    * Lawyer: "How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?"
    * Witness: "Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney and said he was really good."

    * Lawyer: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
    * Witness: "All my autopsies have been performed on dead people."

    * Lawyer: "Were you acquainted with the deceased?"
    * Witness: "Yes sir."
    * Lawyer: "Before or after he died?"

    * Lawyer: "Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
    * Witness: "No. This is how I dress when I go to work."

    * The Court: "Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any."

    * Lawyer: "Did he pick the dog up by the ears?"
    * Witness: "No."
    * Lawyer: "What was he doing with the dog's ears?"
    * Witness: "Picking them up in the air."
    * Lawyer: "Where was the dog at this time?"
    * Witness: "Attached to the ears."

    * Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"
    * Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."

    * Lawyer: "And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Ok? What school do you go to?"
    * Witness: "Oral."
    * Lawyer: "How old are you?"
    * Witness: "Oral."

    * Lawyer: "What is your relationship with the plaintiff?"
    * Witness: "She is my daughter."
    * Lawyer: "Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?"

    * Lawyer: "Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?"

    * Lawyer: "Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?"

    * Lawyer: "And what did he do then?"
    * Witness: "He came home, and next morning he was dead."
    * Lawyer: "So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?"

    * Lawyer: "Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?"
    * Witness: "He didn't offer me nothing. He just said I could have the furniture."

    * Lawyer: "So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?"
    * Witness: "I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital."
    * Lawyer: "It was covered?"
    * Witness: "Yes, bandaged."
    * Lawyer: "Then, later on...what did you see?"
    * Witness: "I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head."

    * Lawyer: "Could you see him from where you were standing?"
    * Witness: "I could see his head."
    * Lawyer: "And where was his head?"
    * Witness: "Just above his shoulders."

    * Lawyer: "Do you drink when you're on duty?"
    * Witness: "I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk."

    * Lawyer: "Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?"
    * Witness: "The victim lived."

    * Lawyer: "The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas."
    * Witness: "No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."

    * Lawyer: "Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?"
    * Witness: "Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't pronunciate his words."

    * Back to Things People Said.
  13. You should worry,I don't go in the kitchen and the wife keeps out of the shed,job done, except she was gardening and shouted out if I'd make her a cup of tea,I wasn't keen but thought I'd do the right thing.
    Ten minutes later the Fire Brigade rolled up!
    I'd placed the electric kettle on the gas ring,up she went,cooker fecked,Microwave fecked,kettle obviously fecked and the wife with a monk on.
    Even the fire fighters had a laugh.
    I'm now barred from the kitchen which suits me,all of you who like to cook have my admiration but it's not for me.!
  14. sorry posted to wrong forum,late night last night.
  15. Made perfect sense to me 8O

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