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Lantern Swinger
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant--a Navy guy," admitted the manager,"and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it would be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bush-tailed.

"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager, "Never better," replied the Marine. The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time," said the Marine.
"How did you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."




Lantern Swinger
A troop of bootnecks were told to get out of bed in the middle of the night and to stand to, outside.

30 of them stood to attention naked.
3 of them had erections as a result of fantasy dreams.
The C.O. walks up to the first guy and wacks his nob hard. The bootneck doesn't fluster.

"Why didn't you feel the pain Royal?" he asks him.

"Sir, because I'm a Royal Marine Commando." He answers swiftly.

The C.O. walks up to the second guy and wacks him hard on the end of his nob. The bootneck doesn't flinch.

"Why didn't you feel the pain Royal?" he asks him.

"Sir, because I'm a Royal Marine Commando." He answers swiftly.

"Good man." Say the C.O., who then looks at the 3rd guy standing with a large erection and a big beaming smile on his face.

The C.O. smacks his nob hard with the back of his hand, but the bootneck doesn't flinch.

"Why didn't you feel the pain Royal?" Is it because you're a Royal Marine Commando." He asks him.

"No sir." replied the bootneck. "That's not my nob, it belongs to the guy behind me."




Lantern Swinger
A man is sitting in a cafe and sat beside a lady he instantly recognises but can't place why.

He says to her "Sorry, I think I know you from somewhere, but I can't think where?"

She replies "I'm glad you recognised me, you're the father of one of my children"

The man taken aback thinks for a moment... "I was only ever once unfaithful to my wife... You must be the stripper from my brother's stag! Drunk as I was I remember! First we dirty sanchezed, and then you let me wear your knickers, cut a hole in the back of them and you ****ed me up the A** with your vibrator belt on! Then you watched me masturbating furiously into the mirror, before I rammed my dick right in you just before I came?"

The woman pauses....
"Erm, no. I'm Mrs Taylor, your son's teacher" o_O




Lantern Swinger
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,

'Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots,

but they only know how to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest inquired.

They say,

'Hi, we're hookers!

Do you want to have some fun?'

That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,

then he thought for a moment.
'You know,' he said,

'I may have a solution to your problem.

I have two male talking parrots,

which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house,

and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,

and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . ..

that phrase . . in no time.'

Thank you,' the woman responded,

'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day,

she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in,

she saw that his two male parrots
were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes,

the female parrots cried out in unison:

Hi, we're hookers!

Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence.


one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot

and exclaimed,

'Put the beads away, Frank.

Our prayers have been answered!'


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