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Jokes/email funnies/captions - muster here

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Shakespear goes into a pub and ask's the landlord for a pint of his finest ale , the landlord say's "you can **** Off your Bard" :lol: :roll:
 
An Orthopaedic surgeon on a flight said to the Air Hostess "is there an Anaesthetist on board , there's an emergency", She put a call out , and yes there was an Anaesthetist on board . He thought to himself , I don't realy want to make myself known , but if it's an emergency , I better .
He made himself known to the hostess , and she pointed him in the direction of the surgeon , He made his way to the surgeon , who was in fact sitting quietly reading . He said to the surgeon , "I thought there was an emergency" "There is" replied the surgeon , "could you adjust the light , I can't see properly".. :roll: :lol: :roll:
 
Bloke wakes up at 5 in the morning with a raging hard on , so wakes his wife and says "darling,darling gives us a blow job now I'm desperate", the wife says "for christ sake i'ts 5 in the morning , have a **** in a glass and I'll drink it in the morning" :roll: :lol: sorry
 
A Mackem fan wallks into a pub with his dog just as the football scores come on the TV , The announcer says that sunderland have lost 3-0 and the dog immediately rolls over on its back , sticks its paws up in the air and plays dead , "that's amazing ," says the barman . "what does it do when they win ?" The Mackem Fan scratches his head for a couple of seconds and finaly replies:"I Don't know .....I've only had the dog for five months. :roll: :lol:
 
GOOD NEWS for the LADIES........
A British Electronic Company has designed a Micro Chip which can play endless Music non-stop and can be fitted inside Silicon Breast iimplants.

FOR YEARS Women have been complaining that all men ever want to do is to stare at their tits and won't listen to them..LOL........ :D :D 8)
 
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant , The pharmacist , a little bemused , explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant , and never have ,
Unfazed the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more .
"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist , "we don't have any!"
"But I always buy it here," says the blonde
"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.
"YES" , said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it," She returns with the container and hands it over to thr pharmacist who looks at it and says to her , "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant" ,
Annoyed , the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container ,
" TO APPLY < PUSH UP BOTTOM "

:lol: :roll:
 
Retired officer decides to visit Pompey for maybe the last time, to watch the ships leaving harbour, after a while , he leaves the round tower, and heads towards town , approaching HMS NELSON, a young lady accosts him and if he would like a short time, thinking to himself this might be my last ever bag off, they agree a price, and off they go to her flat, part way through the bag off he asks her how he doing, she replies "About three knots" asking what she means, she says " your not hard, your not in, and your not gettiing your ******* money back"
 

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