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Jokes/email funnies/captions - muster here

Tampax have announced that they are going to use tinsel instead of the usual string on their tampons. However, it is only for the Christmas period. :lol: :lol:
[align=center]--- WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People-- [/align]

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks and engines. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Your underwear is £5.00 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You never have strap problems in public
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.


:) :lol: :wink:
Here's a groaner for the festive period.......
Strolling through Pushkin Sq, Moscow in the early 80's.... A Russian couple comment on the weather. The man says ' I think it's starting to rain' His wife says ' No, comrade husband, I think it's snow'....'No' he says, 'It's definitly rain'....'Comrade husband, it is snow' says the wife. As they walked through the park, disagreeing about the weather, they encountered their local commissar, Rudolph Illiavich.
'Comrade commissar, can you help us please ?' said the man. 'Rudolph Illiavich, Moscow 14th district commissar at your service, how can I help comrade ?' 'Can you solve this dillema, comrade, is this rain or is it snow?'
The commissar ponders for a few seconds and then says..... 'It is rain'
'There you are' says the man to his wife, 'It is rain' 'I still think it's snow' the wife responds.............The man then says....... (wait for it)........

Rudolph, the Red, ... knows rain dear !

:reindeer: Happy Christmas everybody !
JUst bought a Liverpool FC advent calendar for someone, ******* typical, all the windows were boarded up and some ****** had pinched all the chocolate!
Talking of windows, here are some of the rejected ideas for Windows 7:

Hi i'm Kate McCann and leaving windows open was my idea.........

Hi i'm Joseph Fritzl and not having windows was my idea..........
Hi i'm Harvey Price and licking windows was my idea...........
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.. Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it might have been those thieving bastards at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna

Little Jesus sweetly sleep, do not stir,

We will lend a coat of fur,

We will rock you, rock you, rock you,

We will rock you, rock you, rock you,

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants due to the risk of allergy and for ethical reasons. Therefore, false fur, a cellular blanket or, perhaps, micro-fleece material should be considered alternatives. Please note that, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records (CRB) bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock Baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before any rocking commences.

Dashing through the snow on a one-horse open sleigh,

Over fields we go - laughing all the way.

A Risk Assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to ride. The Risk Assessment should also consider whether the use on only one horse in appropriate - particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Permission from landowners must be gained before entering any Open Fields. To avoid offending those not participating in the venture, it is required that only moderate laughter is used and not at a noise level likely to be of nuisance to others.

Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, had a very shiny nose,

And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows,

All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names,

They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games.

You are advised that, under the Equal Opportunities Policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment upon the ruddiness of Mr R Reindeer. Name-calling contravenes our Anti-Bullying policy, and further to this, the exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from any reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against anyone found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented, leading to imposing sanctions such as a ban from hanging up stockings or enjoying Christmas dinner.

Away in a manger - no crib for a bed …

Refer to Social Services immediately!

While shepherds watched their flocks by night

All seated on the ground,

The Angel of the Lord came down,

And Glory shone around.

The Union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches Health and Safety Regulations to insist the shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided. Therefore, benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs must be available. Shepherds have also requested that, due to inclement weather they should watch their flocks via CCTV cameras behind centrally heated shepherd observation huts. The Angel of the Lord is reminded that before shining his/her Glory all around, the shepherds must be issued with glasses capable of filtering out any harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory lighting.

Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road,

Got to keep on plodding onwards, with your precious load.

The RSPCA has issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry. Also in the guidelines are permitted feeding breaks, and at least one rest break in a four-hour plodding period. Due to the risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary & Joseph are required to wear face masks. The Little Donkey has expressed his discomfort as being labelled Little and would prefer to being simply referred to as Mr Donkey. Comments upon his height or otherwise are considered to be a breach of his equine rights.

We three Kings of Orient are,

Bearing gifts we traverse afar,

Field and fountain,

Moor and Mountain,

Following yonder star.

Whilst the gift of Gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations such as Cash4Gold etc, gifts of Frankincense and Myrrh are not appropriate due to the risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. An acceptable alternative might be a gift voucher. It is not recommended that traversing Kings should rely on star navigation, and would advise the use of AA Route finder or Sat Nav. Both can provide the quickest route and advise on fuel consumption. As in the case of Mr Donkey, the three camels require regular rest and food breaks and face masks for the three Kings are obligatory due to the likelihood of desert dust disturbed by the camel hooves.
Just been stopped by the police for having a load of snow on the roof of my car.I managed to get out of the fine though - I told the copper it was a flat pack igloo I bought from Ikea."
No Nativity Scene in Washington this year!

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States Capitol this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol. A search for a Virgin continues.
There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable
I went to a posh bar last night. Halfway through the evening I said to the barmaid, "My two mates are meeting me in here shortly, are they allowed to wear jeans?"
"It depends," she replied, "Are they ripped?"
I said, "No, they're fat bastards."
Not a joke but an attempted pick up line I heard somewhere, bloke walks over to a woman sat on her own in a pub, is anyone sitting here he asks indicating a spare chair, yes, my friend she replies, is she beutiful like you he asks, no she's ugly like you

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