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Jokes/email funnies/captions - muster here

A dad is on his way home a bit late from the office when he realises
that it's his daughter's birthday an he hasn't got her a present.

So he stops at a toy store to buy his daughter a Barbie.Inside he
sees a Barbie display & asks the sales girl how much the Barbies are?

The girl replies "Which one? we have :
Gymnasium Barbie £19.95
Volleyball Barbie £19.95
Shopping Barbie £19.95
Surfer Barbie £19.95
Disco Barbie £19.95
Divorced Barbie £299.95

Shocked the man asks "why is divorced Barbie £299.95 when all the
others are £19.95?"

Exasperated the girl replies "Sir,Divorced Barbie comes with...
Kens car,
Kens house,
Kens boat,
Kens furniture,
Kens jewellery,
Kens money,
Kens computer,
and his best friend......"
 
Father_Famine said:
This was sent to my inbox, I am sure there will be som e BlackCat Barsteward out there who can do it.

How Smart Is Your Right Foot?

This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And you will keep trying it at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot. But you can't!!!



1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction! And there is nothing you can do about
it!
I'm good at these things. There's a trick to it :wink:
 
Job interview test in Jamaica:

"here's your first question" the foreman said, "without using numbers,
represent the number 9?"

"without numbers?" the rastaman says "oh,dat dere is easy." and
proceeds to draw three trees.

"whats this?" asks the foreman

"you no see it mon? tree and tree and tree make 9,nuh" says the rasta

"fair enough," says the foreman "here's your second question,use the
same rules but this time the number is 99."

the rasta stares into space for a while then picks up the picture he
has just drawn an makes a smudge on each tree. "ere you go"

the foreman scratches his head & says "how on earth do you get that
to represent 99?"

"each of da trees him dirty now! so its dirty tree and dirty tree and
dirty tree.dat is 99."

the foreman is getting angry an is worried he's going to have to hire this rasta,so he says "all right,last question.same rules again but represent
the number 100."

the rasta stares into space some more,then picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree,an says "ere you go mon,100"

the foreman looks at the attempt."you must be nuts,if you think that represents a hundred!"

the rasta leans forward an points to the marks at the base of each tree
an says "a little dog come along see,& crap by each tree,so now you got
dirty tree an a turd and dirty tree an a turd and dirty tree an a turd,
which makes 100.....so when i start boss."
 
Son: Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?
Father: Sure, son. What's the question?
Son: What is politics?
Father: Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me "Tony Blair." Your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her "Gordon Brown." We take care of your needs, so we'll call you "the People." We'll call the maid "the Working Class," and your baby brother we can call "the Future." Do you understand, son?
Son: I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it.

That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father.
Son: Dad, now I think I understand what politics is.
Father: Good, son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?
Son: Well, dad, while Tony Blair is screwing the Working Class, Gordon Brown is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of shit.
 
:lol:



She was in the kitchen doing two minute eggs for
breakfast. He walks in and asks "What's for
breakfast?"

She turns to him and says, "You've got to make love to
me this very moment".

He, thinking it's his lucky day, stands her over the
kitchen table and they have sex.

Afterwards he says, "What was that all about?"

She remarked "The egg timer is broke" :roll:
 
A rugged gay stoker, goes into the PMO's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says, "I am not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS." Stoker tugs at his Steaming cap and sets his jaw and says, "Doc, what can I do?" The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalopeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice." Stoker squares his shoulders and asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?" "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for."
 
An office in Liverpool :D

Scousers_small.jpg
 
Julius Caesar is addressing the Roman crowd. "Friends Romans and Countrymen, lend me your ears. Tomorrow I take our glorious army to conquer Northern Europe and I shall start with France. We shall kill many Gauls and return victorious."

The crowd are up on their feet "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"

Brutus turns to his mate and says " He doesn't half talk some shi*e eh? He couldn't fight his way out of a wet parchment bag."

Six months later, Caesar comes back having conquered France and addresses the crowd in the Coliseum. " Friends, Romans and Countrymen, I have returned from our campaign in France and as I promised, we killed 50,000 Gauls".

The crowd are up on their feet again. "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar".

Brutus once again turns to his mate "I'm sick of his bullsh*t, I'm off to France to check this out."

Brutus sets of for France and three weeks later he comes back to Rome.

Caesar is addressing the public in the Coliseum again "Friends, Romans and Countrymen, tomorrow we set off for Britain and we are going to sort those b*stards out"

The crowd are up on their feet."Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees,
hail mighty Caesar"

Brutus jumps up and shouts, "Caesar, you are a liar. You told us that you had killed 50,000 Gauls in France but I've been there to check it out and you only killed 25,000!!!!"

The crowd are stunned and all sit down in silence. Caesar gets up and looks slowly round the Coliseum then across at Brutus and says, "Brutus, you are forgetting one thing-























........Away Gauls count double

in Europe."
 
An Invaluable guide, I think you’ll agree……



alma chizzit - A request to find the cost of an item



amant - Quantity; sum total ("Thez a yuge amant of mud in Saffend")



assband - Unable to leave the house because of illness, disability etc



awss - A four legged animal, on which money is won, or more likely lost ("That awss ya tipped cost me a fiver t'day")



branna - More brown than on a previous occasion ("Ere, Trace, ya look branna today, ave you been on sunbed?")



cort a panda - A rather large hamburger



dan in the maff - Unhappy ("Wossmatta, Trace, ya look a bit dan in the maff")



eye-eels - Women's shoes



Furrock - The location of Lakeside Shopping Centre



garrij - A building where a car is kept or repaired(Trace: "Oi, Darren, I fink the motah needs ta go in the garrij cos it aint working proper")



lafarjik - Lacking in energy ("I feel all lafarjik")



oi oi! - Traditional greeting. Often heard from the doorway of pubs or during banging dance tunes at clubs



paipa - The Sun, The Mirror or The Sport



reband - The period of recovery and emotional turmoil after rejection by a lover ("I couldn't elp it, I wuz on the reband from Craig")



Saffend - Essex coastal resort boasting the longest pleasure pier in the world. The place where the characters from TV's, popular soap opera, Eastenders go on holiday



tan - The city of London, the big smoke



webbats - Querying the location something or someone is. ("Webbats is me dole card Trace? I've gotta sign on in arf hour")



wonnid - 1. Desired, needed. 2. required by the police



zaggerate - To suggest that something is bigger or better than it actually is. ("I told ya a fazzand times already")
 
I found this on a naval humour website. Most of it was ballox, but I've never seen this one before.


It is with great regret that I inform you......

It is with both regret and haste that I despatch this communication to your Lordships. Regret that such a simple misunderstanding could have led to the ensuing sequence of events; and haste in order that you may hear my version which will no doubt appear in the international press. I am sure they will tend to over dramatise things somewhat.

At 21:00, we were proceeding into Hong Kong’s Aberdeen Harbour on a goodwill, informal visit. Tugs were in attendance, fore and aft, and the Harbour Pilot had been embarked. The ship’s air wing was arrayed on the flight deck and the band of the Royal Marines was playing appropriate music from the ski-jump.

We had left our escort HMS Brilliant, some 15 miles out where she was conducting an ASW exercise prior to following us in. The Officer of the Watch (OOW) was the Navigating Officer, assisted by the N2, so I, as a long course Communications Officer, took the new Midshipman aside to instruct him in the flying of harbour pennants. He had lowered the blue pennant and raised the orange one without any difficulty – however, he was experiencing some degree of difficulty with folding the blue. I decided to assist him with the task, and when it came to the final fold, I instructed him to “let goâ€. The lad proved to be a little slow, making it necessary for me to repeat the instruction in a somewhat firmer fashion. Unfortunately the Executive Officer, having just entered the bridge, overheard the instruction, and believing it to be an order addressed to himself, responded by ordering the letting go of the starboard anchor. The effect of letting go this anchor, while the ship was proceeding at 10 kts caused the ship to veer smartly in that direction – towards a minor tributary which empties into the harbour.

Unfortunately, the area was tightly packed with moored houseboats and fishing junks, but miraculously only 5 or 6 of these were sunk by our passage through them. It is fortunate indeed that these vessels were of wooden construction; in consequence of this, the shortening of our bow at the waterline can be measured in inches rather than feet.

The swing bridge operator showed great presence of mind in opening his bridge to allow passage of the ship, thereby avoiding a collision between ourselves and the structure. Unfortunately, he neglected to halt the flow of traffic before doing so, and in consequence, 5 pedestrians, 3 cyclists, a rickshaw, 3 cars, a double decker bus and a cattle truck were deposited forward of the superstructure island, in the vicinity of the Seadart missile launcher.

It is difficult to be certain at this early stage, but it is my belief (having heard reports on local radio) that the bright flash and concussive rumbling which followed soon after this incident were not, as I had assumed, the prelude to a tropical storm. They were more likely a result of the rampant Seadart missile successfully locating Cathay Pacific flight No. CP103 inbound to Kai Tak from Los Angeles, with 354 persons onboard, fired by a somewhat over zealous Gunnery Officer, who hearing the commotion believed us to be under attack by undesirables and ordered the engagement in self-defence.

The ship was meanwhile continuing its veer to starboard, despite the application of 30º of port wheel. The OOW, in an effort to halt the veer, ordered the letting go of the port anchor. Unfortunately, this novel course of action proved to no avail, since the anchor fell on the swing bridge operator’s cabin – a flimsy structure on which the anchor was unable to gain a useful purchase.

I cannot be entirely sure, but I believe that at about this time, the Harbour Pilot was attempting to offer constructive suggestions as to how we might extricate ourselves from our predicament. However, he had reverted to his native tongue and we were unable to understand a word of what he was screaming.

Notwithstanding the Pilot’s suggestions the OOW decided to raise the port anchor for a second try. Unfortunately, the port anchor had been cleared, but not walked out, and therefore the only consequence of this action was the loss of the port anchor and cable. With our continuing swing to starboard, we were now in peril of running the bow into the South Aberdeen ferry terminus. The OOW therefore decided to raise the starboard anchor in a last desperate attempt to stop the swing.

Unfortunately, the starboard anchor was not the only thing raised from the harbour bed. An electricity cable was raised with it. It was probably the surge of high-tension electricity, which caused all 3 Goalkeeper Close-in-Weapon systems to autonomously engage every member of the local bird population within a 1000m of our location, (each gun expending in excess of 2,000 rounds of ammunition). The action of the OOW did, however, finally halt the swing to starboard. Unfortunately; it also led to an increase of speed towards the ferry terminus.

I now decided to take control of the situation and rang the Ship Control Centre (SCC) to order full astern revolutions. I was informed that the seawater temperature was 16º and that the evening’s films on CCTV were “Enter the Dragon†and “The Battle of Midwayâ€. My comments in reply would not add constructively to this report.

The after tug was running in under our stern when the SCC at last responded to the telegraphs set at full astern. The prompt actions of the Bosun in securing the inboard end of the aft towing hawser delayed the sinking of the tug for some minutes, thereby allowing a partial evacuation of that vessel. It is difficult to ascertain how many members of the tug’s crew went down with her, since the total shore blackout made viewing difficult and hampered the quarterdeck-party’s rescue efforts somewhat.

The bow now swung hard to port. (This was probably due to the disintegration of the starboard propeller while it negotiated the after tug under full astern revolutions). The port bow’s impact with the 20:30 Macao to Aberdeen ferry was cushioned somewhat by the intervening structure of the forward tug (which despite heroic endeavours on the part of her skipper, had been unable to cut herself loose from us!). The impact induced a roll to port, but my ship rapidly recovered to an even keel. You will be pleased to know that the ferry managed to reach the jetty and evacuate all onboard before settling by the stern. I ordered the telegraphs to stop, and we at last coasted to a standstill in mid-channel assisted by the impromptu anchoring effect of the forward tug as it was dragged along the seabed.

It never ceases to amaze me how some people react to moments of minor crisis. For example, the Harbour Pilot is at this instant crooning to himself in the corner of my Day Cabin, having consumed a litre of neat gin in a timescale worthy of inclusion in the Guinness Book of Records, whilst the 2 tugs’ skippers are chained to the after lift safety railings on No.4 deck, from which position I am informed that they are ranting for me to do the impossible with my ship and person. It also never ceases to amaze me how fortune can smile at moments of adversity.
I will offer 3 examples

Had it not been for the slowing of my ship’s progress by the boats of the floating village (a relatively soft structure), we may have not avoided contact with the swing bridge (a relatively hard structure).
Had I not been dissuaded from having the ships air wing airborne and formatting on the ship during the approach to the berth, one shudders to contemplate the likely consequences of the Goalkeepers uncommanded actions.
Finally, had anybody thought to order any of the ship’s Seaking helicopters manned to assist in the rescue of the after tug’s crew, we may have lost some valuable aircrew when the aircraft complement was pitched overboard by the roll to port induced by the collision with the forward tug and ferry. (We are, however, still unable to locate 5 members of the Royal Marines Band).
Another most fortuitous turn of events is that, due to the predominantly American passenger list on flight CP 103, the speculation out here is that an Arab terrorist bomb caused the aircraft’s loss. If, however, news of the incident is accurate in all respects you might like to relay to British Aerospace Missiles Division that at the time of engagement, the aircraft was approximately 23 miles distant, descending through 5,000ft at a relative crossing angle of 85º, and travelling at 400 kts (a truly impressive performance, I am sure you will agree).

I am sure you will also agree that it is most fortuitous indeed that the wreckage of flight CP 103 fell out to sea – thereby avoiding potentially catastrophic damage to the structure and population of the city of Hong Kong. Unfortunately, however, we have since been unable to re-establish contact with HMS Brilliant.

Given the hostile nature of the crowd, which is gathering ashore, I thought it prudent to cancel the cocktail party, and revoke all shore leave. At the last report the MAA assured me that the mutiny was virtually under control.

I am having difficulty in persuading the harbour authorities to grant us the dry-dock facilities which we require. While I appreciate that the presence of the Harbour Master’s wife and brother on the Macao to Aberdeen ferry does not dispose him well towards us, I nevertheless feel that his attitude is unreasonable. Far from offering us the facilities we require, the authorities instead seem intent on towing the ship out to sea at the earliest opportunity to take part in some sort of gunnery exercise.

They seem not in the least deterred by my protestations that the only guns we possess are the 3 Goalkeepers and that these are inoperable as the fire control computers were ultimately burned out – as were all other onboard computer systems (with the exception of the Sega Game boy in the Comms mess) after we dredged up the high tension cable. You may rest assured, however, that I have no intention of moving from our current mooring.

It is in relatively shallow water, so if we do go down we shall at least not go under. In fact, I would go as far as to estimate that if the remaining bilge pumps continue to function, we should be able to keep the keel clear of the bottom for at least another 36 hours (provided we continue to settle at our present rate).

The Executive Officer had the temerity to suggest that if we do settle, we might at least be in a position to enter a bid a Hong Kong’s second airport. I am afraid that, being at this point no longer possessive of a sense of humour, I rewarded this most unhelpful observation with a flogging and threat of Court Martial.

You will appreciate, I am sure, that it is very difficult for me to concentrate at this moment, with all the flashing blue lights, sirens and chanting ashore and the herd of cattle wandering about on the flight deck above my cabin, so a more comprehensive report will follow in due course.

However, for routine reporting purposes, NAVOPDEFS ME 017-031/95, WE 067-091/05, OPS 002-009/95 and AIR 025-076/95 will follow shortly. I will be invoking our FUD 1 status for STOREDEMS for one anchor, one cable, one Seadart missile, various computer equipment, one propeller, 5 Sea Harriers, 12 Seakings (3 x SKW, 9 X SK6), various musical instruments and a sense of humour.

And finally, I request the urgent and immediate authority to obtain 1,000 litres of ship side grey paint by Local Purchase Order, since the conversion of a not inconsiderable tonnage of seagulls into feather scraps and red aerosol has lent the ship a pink hue (with frilly patches) which is most unbefitting a ship of Her Majesty’s Navy.
 
clanky said:
I found this on a naval humour website. Most of it was ballox, but I've never seen this one before.


It is with great regret that I inform you......

It is with both regret and haste that I despatch this communication to your Lordships. Regret that such a simple misunderstanding could have led to the ensuing sequence of events; and haste in order that you may hear my version which will no doubt appear in the international press. I am sure they will tend to over dramatise things somewhat.

At 21:00, we were proceeding into Hong Kong’s Aberdeen Harbour on a goodwill, informal visit. Tugs were in attendance, fore and aft, and the Harbour Pilot had been embarked. The ship’s air wing was arrayed on the flight deck and the band of the Royal Marines was playing appropriate music from the ski-jump.

We had left our escort HMS Brilliant, some 15 miles out where she was conducting an ASW exercise prior to following us in. The Officer of the Watch (OOW) was the Navigating Officer, assisted by the N2, so I, as a long course Communications Officer, took the new Midshipman aside to instruct him in the flying of harbour pennants. He had lowered the blue pennant and raised the orange one without any difficulty – however, he was experiencing some degree of difficulty with folding the blue.

Tut, tut ... this report is incomplete: since when have harbour pennants been hoisted at night? The version that used to be outside the Fleetwork Trainer West (?) at Mercury was based on a Merchant Ship's report with the sting in the tail citing "... if only the cadet had realised that pilot flags are not flown after dusk, none of this would have happened."
 
Yawn
I think theres more than a few technical/procedural errors in this dit. Check out the title of the thread shippers!
 
clanky said:
Yawn
I think theres more than a few technical/procedural errors in this dit. Check out the title of the thread shippers!

Note to self - make irony more obvious.

I wasn't pointing out any errors, merely observing that this "report" has been around for lots of years and that there was originally a comment that the whole situation was needless (a bit like this exchange really).

Personally, I found the original MN version funnier than the RN plagiarised one, probably because it was the one I saw first and while the RN version seems to have tried too hard. I'll see if I can find a copy of the original (or what I believe to be the original) and we can then carry out a critical review of the two side by side. On the other hand, I might just head for the bar and have myself a beer or three - fancy a pint rather than pointless dicussion?
 

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