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Jokes/email funnies/captions - muster here

I got sacked from the school I work at today. apparently my approach to sex education was ''too hands on.''


And I should have been cleaning the toilets like i'm payed to do.
 
:oops: :wink:

356_welcome-to-fail.jpg
 
In the days before he was an international jetsetting superstar babe magnet, not many people realise that Mick Hucknall was in fact a baby RP on board HMS Bristol. Me, being a TAS Ape with a Maths 'O' Level (and therefore, a member of a superior race), gave NAMET lessons in the JRDH during the First Dog Watch.

So there I was, teaching arithmetic to JS(R) Hucknall; he seemed a little confused about the question, so I gave him an example by way of explanation.

"Right," I begin. "If you had the telephone numbers of seven lingerie models in one pocket, and the telephone numbers of eight porno actresses in the other, what have you got?"

"Ooh," he responds, proudly. "Fifteen telephone numbers!"

"Wrong," I reply. "You've got somebody else's trousers on, you thieving, ugly, ginger twunt!"

Mick_Hucknall_655383a.jpg
 
sgtpepperband said:
In the days before he was an international jetsetting superstar babe magnet, not many people realise that Mick Hucknall was in fact a baby RP on board HMS Bristol. Me, being a TAS Ape with a Maths 'O' Level (and therefore, a member of a superior race), gave NAMET lessons in the JRDH during the First Dog Watch.

So there I was, teaching arithmetic to JS(R) Hucknall; he seemed a little confused about the question, so I gave him an example by way of explanation.

"Right," I begin. "If you had the telephone numbers of seven lingerie models in one pocket, and the telephone numbers of eight porno actresses in the other, what have you got?"

"Ooh," he responds, proudly. "Fifteen telephone numbers!"

"Wrong," I reply. "You've got somebody else's trousers on, you thieving, ugly, ginger twunt!"

Mick_Hucknall_655383a.jpg

Can't work out if he's male, female or a burns victim
 
POLICE STATMENT: A man was found dead in the river dart monday morning,wearing an England shirt,womans panties,fishnet stockings,suspenders, a blow up doll on the end of his knob,and a dildo stuck up his arse.police have removed the shirt to save the family any embarassment.. 8O
 
Mick_Hucknall_655383a.jpg



This man has allegedly been court having sex with a rabbit 8O

This mornings headlines read;

Bunnys to tight to mention.

Holding back the ears :twisted:
 
Pub Quiz last night - one of the questions was to name two things commonly found in cells.

It appears that Scousers and Pikeys is not the correct answer!
 
An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?'

'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.'

The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..

' Same for me,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.



Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'




The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.
 
WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?



The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and She asked the question:

'When you die and go to Heaven... which part of your body goes first?'





Suzy raised her hand and said: 'I think it's your hands.'



'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'

Suzy replied: 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.'



'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.





Little Johnny raised his hand and said: 'Sister, I think it's your feet.'





The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.

'Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'





Little Johnny said:

'Well, I walked into Mummy and Daddy's bedroom the other night,

Mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying: 'Oh God, I'm coming!'

If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."





The Nun fainted!......
 
my wife came up to me last night and said
''it looks like you'd better get used to changing nappies fairly soon''

a wave of joy surged through my body as i looked into her eyes, ''you..., you mean.....?''

''that's right'' she interupted, ''i'm leaving you for another man, and i hardly think you'll be able to pay your dad's nursing home fees on your shitty salary''
 

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