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Jokes/email funnies/captions - muster here

Glasgow Mortuary

A man who just died is delivered to a Glesga mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

Big Tam the mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.

He points out that the man does look very good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in navy.

She gives Tam a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a navy suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day.

To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous navy suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to Tam, 'Whatever the cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful.

How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, Tam presents her with the blank cheque.

'nay charge,' he says.

'No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite navy suit!' she says.

'Honestly, hen,' Tam says, 'it didnae cost nothin.

You see, a deed gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive navy suit.

I asked his missus if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit insteed, and she said it made nae difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So, I just switched their heids.'
people are to be advised that they are to beware of several computer viruses that have surfaced since the start of the world cup.

the John Terry virus: your computer hooks up with other computers without you knowing

the Robert Green virus: your computer doesn't save anything

the Wayne Rooney virus: this one is particularly ugly

the Emile Heskey virus: everyone thinks this one is really bad, but does fcuk all

the Christiano Ronaldo virus: your computer apears to go down, but seconds later it's back up and running

the Ashley Cole virus: all drive privileges are lost
My mate's shagging a pair of twins.

"How do you tell them apart?" I asked him.

"Well," he replied. "Julie's got long blonde hair and Derek's got a cock."
teacher to class: ''what does your dad do at weekends?''
little boy: ''he's a dancer in a gay bar and sometimes if the money's right he'll let punters bang his arse and cum in his gob.''
teacher takes him outside.''is that true?''
''no miss it's bollocks. he plays in goal for England but i'm too embarassed to say''
people wonder why ships are reffered to as 'she' when the answer is obvious. as soon as they come into port they head for the bouys, they often reach astonishing weights and density, they make one hell of noise, a fortune is spent trying to make them look pretty and without a man at the helm, they become an unpredictable death trap.

my missus will kill me for that one. let the ear bashing commense
A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,
"Well thank **** for that !"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little bastard was going to bark!"
If a West Indian, and a Pakistani both fall of the Blackpool tower at the exact time who hits the deck first?

Its the West Indian,............. the Pakistani is just a shade Lighter. :D
this little girl came to my house the other day saying that she was a chernobyl victim, and that she was collecting money for her shattered community.
I knew staright away she was a scam artist and sent her packing with her tail between her legs
Osama Bin Laden has just appeared in a new TV message proving that he's still alive. He said that the English football team were shit and full of excuses.

British inteigence have dismissed it saying it could have been recorded any time during the last 40 years

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