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Jokes/email funnies/captions - muster here

A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides
to ask her students what they had for breakfast.
To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their
answers.
Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg,
'E-G-G'.
'Very good', says the teacher.
Peter says he had toast 'T-O-A-S-T'.
'Excellent.'
Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.
'I had f*ck all', he says, 'F-*-C-K A-L-L'.
The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.
Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some
rudimentary questions.
Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell
her which ocean is off Canada's east coast.
When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the
nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.
Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?'
Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Pakistani boarder is
in bed with my mother.
That's why I got f*ck all for breakfast'.
 
NotmeChief said:
A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides
to ask her students what they had for breakfast.
To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their
answers.
Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg,
'E-G-G'.
'Very good', says the teacher.
Peter says he had toast 'T-O-A-S-T'.
'Excellent.'
Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.
'I had f*ck all', he says, 'F-*-C-K A-L-L'.
The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.
Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some
rudimentary questions.
Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell
her which ocean is off Canada's east coast.
When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the
nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.
Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?'
Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Pakistani boarder is
in bed with my mother.
That's why I got f*ck all for breakfast'.

NMC they do say the old ones are best. :D :D
 
The best time to go shopping in Cumbria is Tue or Thurs!

It's murder on Wed !!

:pukeright:

Pub in Whithaven is offering free shots as long as you use the local taxis !!

:pukeright:
 
A guy is driving around Guz and he sees a sign on a house:

Talking Dog for Sale

He rings the bell and Jan the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Black Labrador sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was a pup. I wanted to help the country, so I joined the Royal Marines as a bomb dog.

I served in Iraq and Afghanistan but in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting any younger.

So, I decided to settle down. I retired from the Corps and signed up for a job at Plymouth Airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks Jan the owner how much he wants for the dog.

"A fiver" the guy says.

"Five quid!!! This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a fcukin liar! He never did any of that shit....... He was in the Navy!"
 
In a run-down part of East London recently, a fire destroyed a dilapidated four-storey house that had been divided into four flats.

A Nigerian family of six internet con-artists and full-time benefit cheats lived on the first floor, and all six tragically perished in the fire.

A group of seven Islamic welfare cheats, all illegally in the country, lived on the second floor, and they too, all perished in the fire.

Six Albanian, gang-banger, ex-cons - all claiming political asylum and living off the state for free - occupied the 3rd floor and they too, died.

And one middle-aged British white couple lived on the top floor. They miraculously survived the fire.

The Equal Opportunities Commission, Amnesty International, Human Rights activists, black community leaders and the British Islamic Council were all furious at the apparent racial inequality of the situation. Why were just the British white couple saved ? It was monstrous they claimed, and showed that systemic 'racism' still existed in all areas of public service. Questions were raised in the House of Commons, the popular media picked up the story and within hours it was national and indeed international news..


Mayor of London Boris Johnson, when questioned, stated calmly that it would be unwise to jump to conclusions until the Police and Fire Service had completed their report. He closed by stating that he expected their initial assessment would be available within the next 36 hours - so perhaps it would be best to let the experts gather the evidence and report back before he commented any further.

The baying Press pack subsequently reported the interview in such way as to intimate that the Mayor was indifferent to suffering and was out of touch with the feelings of the whole East London community !

A large motorcade of representatives from all five groups, together with former Home Secretary Jacquie Smith, drove to the area and
demanded a meeting with the local chief fire officer. They made sure that a large pack of popular Press and TV had been briefed on the visit
and so the motorcade was met by a huge gaggle of journalists, TV interviewers and cameras.

On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Africans, Black Muslims and Albanians all died in the fire and only the white couple had survived.

The chief fire officer quietly replied:-
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

(wait for it -keep going)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
They were out at work.
 
Spot the Chav. Not too easy this one..........


article-1285416-09B108F2000005DC-69.jpg
 
Topstop said:
The best time to go shopping in Cumbria is Tue or Thurs!

It's murder on Wed !!

:pukeright:

Pub in Whithaven is offering free shots as long as you use the local taxis !!

:pukeright:

We had a heatwave in Cornwall last week

although it was minus 12 in Cumbria

:pukeright:

Derrick Birds wife just made a statement to the police. "I only asked him to shoot down the high street and get me a loaf of bread."

:pukeright:

1976 - Robert de Niro - Taxi Driver - 3 Oscars, 2 Emmys

:pukeright:

2010 - Derrick Bird - Taxi Driver - 1 Oscar, 3 Tonys, 1 Gary, 2 Janes a mark and 2 Billy's

:pukeright:
 
I thought the missus would be ideal for a new TV programme being advertised but looking at it again i realised it was actually called FACT HUNT


My missus said to me today obesiety is in my genes.
I said bollocks your a fat cnut in a skirt aswell.
 
A fat woman goes to her doctor and asks 'Whats the easiest exercise I can do to help me lose weight?', The doctor replies 'Shake your head from side to side', 'How often should I do this?' shes retorts to which the doctor replies 'Every time your offered food, you fat cnut!'

A little boy says to a priest 'Kiss me', The priest replies 'Sorry, that would be unethical, to be honest I shouldn't even be wanking you off'

Katie Price told her new boyfriend that she wanted an all white wedding, 'Great' he replied 'That fat cnut Harvey gives me the creeps'
 

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