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Jokes/email funnies/captions - muster here

During a recent PASSWORD AUDIT at the Bank Of Ireland it was found that Paddy O'Toole was using the following password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password : he replied ''Bejazus! are yez feckin' stupid? Shore Oi was told me password had to be at least 8 characters long and include one capital''
 
I have been arrested three times this week for knocking the shite out of my missus.

Copper said: "Why do you keep beating her?"

I said: "Its probably because I have a significant weight advantage, longer reach and fancy footwork"
 
I've just come out of the 'chippy' with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.

A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days' I told him 'I wish I had your f*cking will power'





A woman buys a wall mirror from B & Q, manager says 'would you like a screw for that mirror' No she said 'but I'd suck your cock for a lawn mower'.





I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today. Apparently the instruction ' finish off on her face ' didn't mean ' What I thought it did '





A fat bird served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said ' sorry about the wait ' I said ' don't worry you fat bitch, you'll lose it eventually '





Paddy is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts, Murphy meets him & says ' if I can guess how many doughnuts you have in the bag, can I have one?

Paddy said ' if you can guess how many doughnuts are in there you can have both of them!! '...............Murphy says 'Four!'





Recession beater -

Wife says to husband ' if you cycle to work we could get rid of the second car' Husband replies ' if you'd take it up the ar*e & let me cum on your face we could get rid of the nanny!'





One of life's great mysteries -

How is it that a woman can fit a seven inch vibrator into her half inch fanny, IN THE DARK............ but she's unable to fit an eight foot car into a fifteen foot parking space IN BROAD FU**ING DAYLIGHT?





I know how those poor bastards in Haiti feel. Last time I had a few aftershocks I couldn't find my house either.





Marriage councillor to a couple who are contemplating divorce....... ' Tell me something both of you have in common ' Husband after a long awkward silence ' Well neither of us sucks co*k '





Snow eh! The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself ' she'll be f**king lucky with a face like that!'





I have a new chat up line that works everytime!! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them.

Here's how it goes ' Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'





Years ago it was suggested ' that an apple a day kept the doctor away ' But since all the doctors are now muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!





The local mosque are having a bonfire tonight but keep it a surprise.........they don't know about it yet!
 
I've got a Pakistani friend called Sanjay and i popped round to see him last night, when i got to his house i noticed in big black letters across his front door "Pakis out"

I thought that was a bit extreme.
He could've just left a note to say he wasn't in.
 
The Americans have asked if they can use our queen on their $25 note.


We said o.k. as long as we can put their president back on our jam jars.
 
Irish are the Best!


six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when
Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops
dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other
five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to
tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to
be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion
is me middle name. Leave it to me.'

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs.
Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come
home.'

'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife..

'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.





Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run
over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is
cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.

'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.

'Michael O'Connor and me had a fight,' says Paddy.

'That little O'Connor,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must
have had something in his hand.'

'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible
lickin' he gave me with it.'

'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have
something in your hand?'

That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty
it was; but useless in a fight.'




An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the
city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the
road.

A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya
been?'

'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.

'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink
this evening.'

'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.

'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms
across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of
your car?'

'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd
gone deaf.'





Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service,
and she's in tears.

He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'

She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away
last night.'

The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have
any last requests?'

She says, 'That he did, Father.'

The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?'

She says, 'He said, Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'




AND THE BEST FOR LAST

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth,
sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk
continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side
either


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Nicked off daughters FaceBook:-

Definition of a lazy wife?

(On retiring to bed for the night)

Husband: Aww come on love gizza blowjob please?

Wife: Listen - I've got a headache, the kids have been bastards
all day, and I'm knackered. Have a w**k into the mug I keep
my teeth in - and I'll drink it in the morning..."

* * * * * * * * * * * *
 
Bride on her wedding night says to her husband "I have confession to make, i was once a hooker"
Hus band replies "Thats ok, your past is your past but i must admit i find that quite erotic. Please tel me more about it."
"Well", she says "My name was Dave and i played for Wigan!"


A red head and a blonde pass a flower shop. The red head spots her fella buying flowers.
She says "Oh shit, he always has high expectations after buying me flowers. I don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde says "Don't you have a vase....."
 
Gordon Brown goes on a state visit to Israel . While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and passes away. The undertaker tells the British Diplomats accompanying him, 'You can have him shipped home for £5,000,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land, for just 100.'

The British Diplomats go into a corner and discuss for a minute. They come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Gordon shipped home.

The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend £5,000,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only £100? With the money you save you could help pay back some of the deficit, help pay for the Olympic Games or help the elderly'.

The British Diplomats replied, 'Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take that chance.'
 
Apple have confirmed Yesterday that they have scrapped plans to bring out a child user friendly iPod out later in the year.

A spokesman for Apple said in a press conference earlier that the iTouch Kids is not the sort of product that Apple Macintosh wants to be associated with.
 
Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom


Using the urinals.

One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicorette patch on it.

He looks at the other priest and says, 'I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis..'

The other one replies, 'It's working just fine.
I'm down to two butts a day.'

***IF YOU LAUGH....YOU'LL GO STRAIGHT TO HELL!!!!
 
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face .. Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Couple of minutes ago.'
 

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