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Jokes/email funnies/captions - muster here

In the bank queue an Asian lady was trying to exchange Yen for US Dollars. She was clearly irritated. ''Why it change? Yesterday I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty - why it change?'' The teller shrugged his shoulders....''Fluctuations'' Asian ladies response -> ''Fluc you white people ...too''
 
i just got sacked from my job in the salvation army soup kitchen,the ungrateful fcukers...all i said was "hurry up you lot,some of us have homes to go to"
 
An American, a Russian, and an Estonian are riding in the same compartment in a train. The American takes out a pack of cigarettes, offers one to the others, and then throws the rest of the pack out the window.
“What did you do that for?†exclaim both the Russian and the Estonian.
“Ah, in America we have so many cigarettes…,†replies the American.
After a while the Russian takes out a bottle of vodka, offers it all around, and then throws the rest of the vodka out the window.
“What did you do that for?†ask the American and the Estonian.
“Oh, in Russia, we have so much vodka…,†replies the Russian.
Time goes by, and the Estonian sits in deep thought.
Finally he throws the Russian out the window.
 
Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco. Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.

Police stop a Pakistani in his transit on the motorway. Policeman says "Do you know the limit is 70?" The driver leans into the back and says "hear that - 3 of you have got to get out".

4 immigrants were suffocated in the back of a Tesco lorry last night. Every little helps.

Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo with blood pouring from them. "B*lls to that" said Paddy "that's the last time I go lion dancing"

63 Pakistanis died in Bradford this morning. It was not a terrorist attack,a bunk bed collapsed. The police are blaming AL IKEA .

Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new drug for depressed lesbians. It's called Trydixagain.
 
Just seen a woman and her daughter being interviewed on TV in Haiti: she said "God saved me"
Presumably this is a different god from the one that tried to kill her in the first place.

International child aid is starting to arrive in Haiti after the earthquake has left 50,000 kids under 10 orphaned and alone to fend for themselves.
The USA are sending medicine and doctors.
GB are sending food and shelter.
While Ireland are sending 1000 priests on a holiday of a lifetime!

Bloke walks into a brothel and says "I'm a bit kinky, how much for total humiliation?"
The Madam replies £37.50
He replies "WOW, what do I get for that?"
She says "A ******* Liverpool shirt!"
 
The drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to susan Boyle.

Now the extremists know what a virgin looks like , they're not so keen on going to paradise
 
The Indians and the Hillbilly

Two Indians and a Tennessee Hillbilly were walking in the woods. All
of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small
cave. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave, and then he
listened very closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo!
Wooooo!" He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all
about. Was the other Indian crazy or what?
"No," said the Indian. "It is our custom during mating season. When
Indian men see cave, they call 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the
opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in
there waiting to mate."

Just then they saw another cave. The Indian ran up to the opening of
the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Woooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
Immediately, there was an answering "Wooooo!Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep
inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then
he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in, he was amazed at the
size of the huge opening. He was thinking, "Oh, man! Look at the
size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There
must be some really big, fine women in this cave!"

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might,
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He grinned and closed his eyes in
anticipation, and then he heard the answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO!
WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!" With a gleam in his eyes, and a smile on his
face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper
read.....

... (Get ready--) ...





~NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY TRAIN~
 
A woman gets home from work one day to find her boyfriend blow drying his cock.

“What the fcuk are you doing?†She asks.

He replies “Warming your dinner you ungrateful cow!â€.

-----------------

A boy comes home from school at 7pm, his dad asks “where were you?â€

“I was with Jessica.†He replied.

“What were you doing?†asks his dad.

“We were revising.â€

After picking a snack up of the table the son says “These fish cakes are lovely.â€

The dad replied “Wash your hands son, there fcukng donuts.â€
 
Bloke says to his wife.....' Tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time'
Wife says....'Out of all your mates, you have the biggest cock !'
 

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