Jokes/email funnies/captions - muster here

Talking of windows, here are some of the rejected ideas for Windows 7:

Hi i'm Kate McCann and leaving windows open was my idea.........

Hi i'm Joseph Fritzl and not having windows was my idea..........
...
Hi i'm Harvey Price and licking windows was my idea...........
 

sgtpepperband

War Hero
Moderator
Book Reviewer
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.. Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna


The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it might have been those thieving bastards at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna
 

sgtpepperband

War Hero
Moderator
Book Reviewer
NEW CHRISTMAS REGULATIONS (HEALTH AND SAFETY)

THE ROCKING CAROL
Little Jesus sweetly sleep, do not stir,

We will lend a coat of fur,

We will rock you, rock you, rock you,

We will rock you, rock you, rock you,

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants due to the risk of allergy and for ethical reasons. Therefore, false fur, a cellular blanket or, perhaps, micro-fleece material should be considered alternatives. Please note that, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records (CRB) bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock Baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before any rocking commences.

JINGLE BELLS
Dashing through the snow on a one-horse open sleigh,

Over fields we go - laughing all the way.

A Risk Assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to ride. The Risk Assessment should also consider whether the use on only one horse in appropriate - particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Permission from landowners must be gained before entering any Open Fields. To avoid offending those not participating in the venture, it is required that only moderate laughter is used and not at a noise level likely to be of nuisance to others.

RUDOLPH THE RED NOSED REINDEER
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, had a very shiny nose,

And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows,

All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names,

They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games.

You are advised that, under the Equal Opportunities Policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment upon the ruddiness of Mr R Reindeer. Name-calling contravenes our Anti-Bullying policy, and further to this, the exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from any reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against anyone found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented, leading to imposing sanctions such as a ban from hanging up stockings or enjoying Christmas dinner.

AWAY IN A MANGER
Away in a manger - no crib for a bed …

Refer to Social Services immediately!

WHILE SHEPHERDS WATCHED
While shepherds watched their flocks by night

All seated on the ground,

The Angel of the Lord came down,

And Glory shone around.

The Union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches Health and Safety Regulations to insist the shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided. Therefore, benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs must be available. Shepherds have also requested that, due to inclement weather they should watch their flocks via CCTV cameras behind centrally heated shepherd observation huts. The Angel of the Lord is reminded that before shining his/her Glory all around, the shepherds must be issued with glasses capable of filtering out any harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory lighting.

LITTLE DONKEY
Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road,

Got to keep on plodding onwards, with your precious load.

The RSPCA has issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry. Also in the guidelines are permitted feeding breaks, and at least one rest break in a four-hour plodding period. Due to the risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary & Joseph are required to wear face masks. The Little Donkey has expressed his discomfort as being labelled Little and would prefer to being simply referred to as Mr Donkey. Comments upon his height or otherwise are considered to be a breach of his equine rights.

WE THREE KINGS
We three Kings of Orient are,

Bearing gifts we traverse afar,

Field and fountain,

Moor and Mountain,

Following yonder star.

Whilst the gift of Gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations such as Cash4Gold etc, gifts of Frankincense and Myrrh are not appropriate due to the risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. An acceptable alternative might be a gift voucher. It is not recommended that traversing Kings should rely on star navigation, and would advise the use of AA Route finder or Sat Nav. Both can provide the quickest route and advise on fuel consumption. As in the case of Mr Donkey, the three camels require regular rest and food breaks and face masks for the three Kings are obligatory due to the likelihood of desert dust disturbed by the camel hooves.
 
Just been stopped by the police for having a load of snow on the roof of my car.I managed to get out of the fine though - I told the copper it was a flat pack igloo I bought from Ikea."
 
No Nativity Scene in Washington this year!

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States Capitol this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol. A search for a Virgin continues.
There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable
 
I went to a posh bar last night. Halfway through the evening I said to the barmaid, "My two mates are meeting me in here shortly, are they allowed to wear jeans?"
"It depends," she replied, "Are they ripped?"
I said, "No, they're fat bastards."
 
Not a joke but an attempted pick up line I heard somewhere, bloke walks over to a woman sat on her own in a pub, is anyone sitting here he asks indicating a spare chair, yes, my friend she replies, is she beutiful like you he asks, no she's ugly like you
 
Man walks into a bar with a lizard on his shoulder.
"A pint for me and a saucer of milk for 'tiny' ", he asks, gently stroking his lizard's back.
"fine mate", Replies the barman.
after a few minutes, "another pint for me, please, a Guinness would be nice, and another saucer of milk for 'tiny'.
... This went on and after an hour or so ... The man staggered to the bar and slurred a bit ...
"another giniss and another sorser of milk for 'tiny' " ...
"by all means ... But why do you call him 'tiny'?"

"because he's minute"

(my newt) (minute not minute as in time, but minute as in not very large at all).

groan ... There are two more in this set from the pub trilogy ... The others are for Ron. (Later on)
 
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