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Jokes/email funnies/captions - muster here

Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by mistake - both are in intensive care...

One has a dodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma.
 
My son asked me about sex today, so I gave him 'the talk'.

On reflection, he maybe didn't need to know that when you fuck a girl *********** and finger her at the same time, you can feel your bellend through the skin.
 
Why are women like clouds?
Eventually they fu*k off and its a really nice day.
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What’s the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on.
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A man walks into a petrol station and says, 'can I please have a Kit Kat Chunky?'
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
'No,' says the man, 'I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch.'
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My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big fu*king big red mark on her forehead.
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I was at an ATM when an old lady came up and asked me to check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
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Zebu, a half blind five year old south African orphan, has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes.
Give just small donation of 2 dollars and we'll send you the video, it's fu*king hilarious....
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I had a dog named Minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks.
Bad Minton.
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Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law is an angel'.
The reply from his friend......'You're so fu*king lucky...Mine's still alive...'
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A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; 'Fu*k off, you won't bring it back.'
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2 Men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine. He lasts over 10 minutes.
‘Geeeeez mate, that was impressive!'
'I get lots of practice' Replied the other guy. 'My wife's an epileptic'
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A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, 'you've all got 30 seconds to get out!'
The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, 'you cu*t!'
 
Zebu, a half blind five year old south African orphan, has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes.
Give just small donation of 2 dollars and we'll send you the video, it's fu*king hilarious....

Pick of the crop - I'm a cruel bastard.
 
My dad is a partner in a smallish law firm. He loves nothing better than annoying people and suppliers who piss him off; nothing bad, just minor spats. He loves doing really pointless but perfectly legal things.

Dad has queried an outstanding payment to an office supplier; it's about £3800. He contested it and basically dragged out payment for months. Eventually, he agreed that if they sent someone round he'd pay them cash.

In the meantime, he went to the bank and after discussion with the bank manager, worked out what the legal minimum denomination of notes and coins could be used.

He also went to the garden centre and purchased a cheap, yet sturdy black dustbin.

As it turns out, you can pay in coins. the resulting amount pretty much filled the dustbin - well 3/4 full. It was almost impossible to move. Four guys from the office got it upstairs and hid it in Dad's office. They spent half an hour emptying all the coins from their bags.

The debt collectors arrived. Dad made them wait an hour or so for the hell of it. He came out and spoke to them and argued the toss some more. Eventually Dad 'caved in' and pointed them in the direction of the money. Upon seeing it they groaned and muttered that there's no way they're going to take that. Prepared, Dad immediately hands them a piece of paper and says, fine, sign this. They ask what it is. "It's to confirm that I offered you full payment and you refused to accept", he replies.

They sigh and give in. Dad asks for a receipt. They start counting. Dad has previously removed a pound or so earlier on.

A couple of hours later, they point out that its a pound down. Dad denies that's possible, maybe they should recount? They relent and fill out a receipt. They fill the bin back up and start dragging it to the lift. My dad watches on.

The lift arrives and they struggle to get it over the floor divider but panting, they finally get the thing in the lift. As the doors begin to close, my dad sticks his hand between the doors, forcing them to open again.

"Erm lads? Where are you going with my bin?"

:twisted:
 
A couple of English lads are sitting together in a bar in northern France. The local French regulars are becoming concerned that the two English lads are sitting very close together indeed. So the Bar-owner goes over to the 2 guys and says "Pleezee pardon me Monsieurs, but we are vondering how you zit so closely together." The response from the lads is startling. "Well, the reason is we are Siamese twins and were joined at the hip." The 2 lads show the astounded barman their amazing joined bodies.
"I'm zo zorry" replies the owner, "Please let me offer the 2 of you a free meal on behalf of ze restaurant." "Sorry, but we don't really like French food" reply the twins.

"Ok then, let me offer the best wine in ze whole of France free of charge." "Sorry" replies one of the twins "We don't like French wine either."

"Well then let me offer you a free weekend at any top French hotel." The same twin replies "Sorry, but we don't really like French hospitality at all."

"Pardon me" says the offended barman, "But if you don't like anything French zen why are you 'ere?"


To which one of the twins replies, "Well it's the only time my brother gets to drive." :twisted:
 
As I sed, an old joke and you can spin it out a fair length depending on audience, as this is RR I will keep it short.

Bert of long face and massive red, malt fuelled nose loved the circus so when he read in his local rag that it was coming to town the next w/e he booked tkts for all 3 nights in the most expensive seats in the house.

First night, 12 arab stallions, trapeze, lions ,acrobatic troupe et all, last on were clowns, few japes then massive spotlight came on and as Bert was sat near the front it zoomed in on him.

Ch Clown,

' Good evening Sir are you enjoying the show'

' Yes, very much'

'Tell me then, do you think you have a face like the front end of an ass ?'

' No'

'The rear end of an ass ?'

'NO'

' Then you must be no end of an ass'

Bert wants to slot the bstd there and then the whole tent in tears of laughter but he wants to see the other 2 shows.

Next night the same, poor Bert is sick, shelled out all this money etc, goes to his local to drown his sorrows and spots an ad in the local rag.

Eli J Witney, master of quick wit and repartee, all query's answered.

Bert goes to Eli's office in his dinner hr and explains the situation, Eli sez he will accompany Bert to the final show.

Same clown routine but a split second after Ch clown has delivered the punchline Eli stands up and sez...


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FCUK OFF
 

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