Jokes/email funnies/captions - muster here

A survey asked 100 MP's wives what was the favorite thing they put in their cunts?

Most said theirs preferred Bacon and Eggs, before going to the House of Commons.
 
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/...ommy-Cooper-dominates-list-of-best-jokes.html

TOP 50 JOKES OF ALL TIME

list of the best jokes of all time as voted by almost 40,000 people. Out of the top 50 jokes Cooper has been credited with no less than thirteen of them. Cooper has more entries in the top 50 than any other comedian and had five in the top 10 alone.


1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."


2. "I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu."


3. "Dyslexic man walks into a bra"


4. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"


5. A classic Tommy Cooper gag "I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays", was fifth.


6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.


7. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.


8. Another one was: Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.


9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.


10. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."


11. I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.


12. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.


13. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one".


14. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."


15. There's two fish in a tank, and one says "How do you drive this thing?"


16. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.


17. When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband".


18. "My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."


19. I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".


20. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.


21. A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"


22. Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.


23. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"


24. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"


25. The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".


26. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.


27. Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.


28. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."


29. I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, "Are you two an item?"


30. I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.


31. So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".


32. Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"


33. I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.


34. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.


35. I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said, "Those are pickled onions".


36. I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.


37. I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"


38. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster


39. My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"


40. I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?" I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".


41. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.


42. I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.


43. You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.


44. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."


45. I tried water polo but my horse drowned.


46. I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.


47. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.


48. Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.


49. A seal walks into a club...


50. I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'. So I went - and I got it.
 
Regarding the Mosque being built near ground zero. I say let them build it. But then, across the street we should put a topless bar called " You Mecca Me Hot" and next to that a gay bar called "The Turban Cowboy" and next to that a Pork Rib restaurant called "Iraq-O-Ribs" and next to that a ...check cashing place called "Iran out of Money" then we'll see who's tolerant.
 
My Girlfriend rang me at work. She said, "Two packages arrived today The first is your PS 3 and the 2nd is my new Rampant Rabbit vibrator. can't wait for you to get home and play with me."I said, "You'll be ******* lucky I only ordered one controller."
 
A magician on a cruise ship is constantly having his tricks spoilt by the ships parrot! Every time he does a show the parrot pipes up with "it's in his pocket" "4 of clubs" "the cups got a false bottom"
That night the ship has a fire and sinks, the magician finds himself clinging to a piece of driftwood with the parrot. The Parrot after 3 days of constantly staring at him says "Ok I give up where's the Fu**ing ship?"
 
Two Budgies on a perch, one says "I`m sure I can smell fish".

:roll:

Two Snowmen in a field one says "I`m sure I can smell carrots"

:roll:

I went to the Butcher the other day and asked the Butcher if he had an oxtail.
He sat me down and said "Once upon a time there was a little Ox....."

:roll:
 
A woman in her fifties is at home – jumping unclothed on her bed – squealing with delight.
Husband arrives home, watches her for a while then asks “What‟s going on, you look ridiculous!â€
She replied “I don‟t care what you think; I‟ve just had a mammogram and the doctor said that I am perfectly healthy and I have the breasts of an 18 year oldâ€.
He says “…and what did he say about your 53 year old arse?â€
“Your name didn‟t coe up†she replied
 
Santa Claus
1. He wears red.
2. He's good at breaking into houses.
3. He has loads of electrical good that no-one can trace.
4. He drives an unlicensed vehicle.
5. He only does one days work a year.
I reckon he's a fcuking Scouser.
 
My mate approached this ugly fat bird in a nightclub & asked her if she had a pen. she was all exited about the fact that she had a man showing her interest & she save him a smile and said,
"Yes I have".
He said
"Well you'd better get back in it before the farmer discovers you got out!"
:twisted:
 
Tampax have announced that they are going to use tinsel instead of the usual string on their tampons. However, it is only for the Christmas period. :lol: :lol:
 
[align=center]--- WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People-- [/align]


Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks and engines. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Your underwear is £5.00 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You never have strap problems in public
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.


SM

:) :lol: :wink:
 
Here's a groaner for the festive period.......
Strolling through Pushkin Sq, Moscow in the early 80's.... A Russian couple comment on the weather. The man says ' I think it's starting to rain' His wife says ' No, comrade husband, I think it's snow'....'No' he says, 'It's definitly rain'....'Comrade husband, it is snow' says the wife. As they walked through the park, disagreeing about the weather, they encountered their local commissar, Rudolph Illiavich.
'Comrade commissar, can you help us please ?' said the man. 'Rudolph Illiavich, Moscow 14th district commissar at your service, how can I help comrade ?' 'Can you solve this dillema, comrade, is this rain or is it snow?'
The commissar ponders for a few seconds and then says..... 'It is rain'
'There you are' says the man to his wife, 'It is rain' 'I still think it's snow' the wife responds.............The man then says....... (wait for it)........

Rudolph, the Red, ... knows rain dear !


:reindeer: Happy Christmas everybody !
 
JUst bought a Liverpool FC advent calendar for someone, ******* typical, all the windows were boarded up and some ****** had pinched all the chocolate!
 
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