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Jokes/email funnies/captions - muster here

two gay men have sex allllll week end, at the end of the week end they get hungry but there's no food in the house, so one of them decides to go down the shop to get some.
before he leaves he insists that his lover does NOT **** whyle he's gone, his lover agress and with that he goes down the shop.
when he gets back home with the shopping there is cum EVERYwere.
livid he gets angry and screams i told you not to ****, i thought you loved me. his boyfriend insists that he did not ****.
explain the cum every were then!!!
I farted his boyfriend replys...
 
I've just been on the phone to the BNP leader Nick Griffin after the egging outside parliament...... He was fuming. They didn't separate the whites first!
 
You will now understand how our government is paying it's bills.
>
> It is the month of August, a resort town sits next to the shores of a
> lake. It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It
> is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
>
> Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town.
>
> He enters the only hotel, lays down £100 on the reception
> counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one.
>
> The hotel proprietor takes the £100 and runs to pay his
> debt to the butcher.
>
> The Butcher takes the £100, and runs to pay his debt to the
> pig raiser.
>
> The pig raiser takes the £100, and runs to pay his debt to
> the supplier of his feed and fuel.
>
> The supplier of feed and fuel takes the £100 and runs to
> pay his debt to the town's prostitute that in these hard times, gave
> her "services" on credit.
>
> The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the £100
> to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she
> rented when she brought her clients there.
>
> The hotel proprietor then lays the £100 back on the counter
> so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.
>
> At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the
> rooms, and takes his £100, after saying that he did not
> like any of the rooms, and leaves town.
>
> No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt,
> and looks to the future with a lot of optimism .
>
> And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the British Government is
> doing business today.
 
Good news for tourists who want something a little different for their holidays - you can now take an Air France flight to see the Titanic.
 
PoL :lol:

THE NUN AND THE HIPPIE
A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her openly: "Can we have sex?"



"No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and
gets off at the next stop.



The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says:
"I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"



"Yeah?", says the hippie.



"Yeah!", say the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."



The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.



"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his
face. "Have sex with me."



The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to **** sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.



'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.



"Ha-ha," he cries. "I'm the hippie!"



"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver
 
Peter Andre goes for a job in a coal mine.

When asked if he had any experience, he replies..

" I've humped some slag for four years and I am used to carrying a heavy spade" !!
 
Scrumpy said:
Peter Andre goes for a job in a coal mine.

When asked if he had any experience, he replies..

" I've humped some slag for four years and I am used to carrying a heavy spade" !!

Brill joke,nice one Scrumpy :thumbright:
 
FOR THOSE WHO LOVE AMBIGUITY
(....as well as the idiosyncrasies of the English language)

1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.....

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, 'WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?'
SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8. IF A DEAF PERSON SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A
HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO 'GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?'

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

16. If A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE AN 'S' IN IT?

29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED 'HEMORRHOIDS' INSTEAD OF 'ASSTEROIDS'?

30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?

33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
 
Letters to VIZ magazine

* Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour. Chris Scaife, Jesmond

* What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.

* Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's m!nge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh? P Boddington, Ringway

* Imagine my shock at getting a letter from my doctor advising me I only had a month to live but thankfully the letter was not for me but for my son with the same name who lives with us. Close call, Yours

* What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!" The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story straight.

* I have just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.

* WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.

* Why is it that pubs won't serve me if I'm drunk, but McDonalds continue serving them fat f***ers? Its hardly fair.

* Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius

* The person who coined the phrase "as different as chalk and cheese" obviously hadn't tasted Kwik Save's cheddar.

* They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV in my local.

* If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Glasgow received some recognition for its contribution to astrophysics?

* These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down

* We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she "bravely remained in London beside her husband" during the war. This contrasts sharply with the actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately left his wife and children and p*ssed off, first to France , then North Africa , Italy , France (again) and finally Germany . The shame will always be with us.

* Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero by the people of London . That's because he flew Heinkel bombers for the Luftwaffe. Werner Hoffman, Munich .

* I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up boards telling us motorists where they lead to.

* Davina McCall says that dangling off a helicopter over the Grand Canyon on a 700 foot bungee rope was the most terrifying and dangerous thing she has ever done. She must be forgetting that she went out with Stan Collymore.

* So Sting is able to shag his wife for five hours without going off. I know how he feels. My wife is no oil painting either.

* I heard recently that, on average, Gordon Brown receives two turds in the post each week. What I want to know is................ who's sending the other one?
 
A duck walks into a bar...
Got any bread?
Barman says no..
Got any bread?
No..
Got any bread?
No..
Got any bread?
Ask me that again and I'll nail your fcuking beak to the bar you irritating little cnut!!....
Got any nails?
No!!

Got any bread...?
 
The World's shortest fairy tale.




Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said,
'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went
fishing and watched football and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and
had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted
whenever he wanted.
The end
 
Jack has a fitness test coming up and needs to lose weight so he goes to the doc for a diet sheet…
Forget the diet says the doc try this exercise….
Run all one day then skip the next 2 days then run one day….keep doing that for a month and see how you get on…
Jack returns a month later after loosing 2 stone…brilliant says the doc ..just shows how effective running can be..
I don`t think it was the running says Jack ..morelike it was all that skipping..
…
 

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