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Jokes/email funnies/captions - muster here

Two Muslims have crashed their speedboat into the Thames barrier, police think it's the start of Ramadam.

Air France have announced cheap flights this week. They're a drop in the ocean compared to last week.
A member of the BNP was rushed to an NHS hospital following a near fatal car accident.

“I don’t want any chinks, coons or pakis treating meâ€, he insisted.

Suffice to say, the daft twat died.


These MP's expenses are getting out of hand:
Why my BNP MP spent £40,000 on white sheets, petrol, crosses and rope, I'll never know.


Apparently Jade Goody promised in her will to leave a significant amount of her considerable wealth to help her favourite causes after she has gone.

The BNP responded by saying they are delighted.


Here's to hoping that if Nick Griffin ever gets to power, someone more competent than Tom Cruise tries to blow him up.
When the French achieved a few naval victories a couple of centuries back, they went on to build some shit arch in Paris and named it the 'Arc of Triumph'...

Whereas when the British achieved a few naval victories a couple of centuries back, we went on to build the greatest fecking empire the world has ever seen..!

Funny that.
This morning, I put on my trainers (made in Indonesia), got in my car (made in Germany), drove to my local supermarket (owned by Americans), bought a pack of my favourite beer (brewed in Belgium) and some chocolate for the missus (made in Switzerland), was served by a male cashier (Czech), went back to my car where I was asked if I wanted it washed (by a man from Ghana), got back home (built by some Polish guys), kissed my wife (Thai) and sat down to watch the news on my TV (made in Japan). I saw an interview with Nick Griffin, which made me realise something...

I forgot to buy some fecking eggs.
Out on her royal yacht the queen was enjoying the sea air when she spied a man in the water off the port bow - clearly being menaced by a very large shark.

Through her binoculars she could see it was Christiano Ronaldo, the renowned expensive transfer fee footballer; struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark!

The queen ordered the captain to change course to try and save the poor man, but she knew the yachts top speed would never get them there in time.

At that exact moment a speedboat containing three men wearing white tops sped into view.

One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly.

The other two reached out and pulled Ronaldo from the water and, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.

They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious Ronaldo into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling ......"You there"

It was the Queen calling them to the yacht.

On reaching the yacht the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I'll give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I thought the England team would hate Ronaldo after wanting such a lucrative transfer fee to a foreign club and behaving so badly in the last world cup. But I see that the England team are true heroes and should serve as a model for sportsmanship to other countries."

She knighted them and sailed away.

As she departed Rooney asked the others, "Who was that?!"

"That," Beckham answered, "was our Queen. She rules the Commonwealth"

Lampard then said "she knows everything about our country."

"Well," Rooney replied,†she knows F**K ALL about shark fishing...

How's the bait holding up?"
Going down on your girlfriend the morning after sex is like eating a pork pie,

Once you get through the thick crust and lick away the jelly, you finally get to the meat!

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