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Jokes/email funnies/captions - muster here

I just phoned the swine flu helpline and all I got was crackling!

A man was sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. So he decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto 'We love to fly and it shows'.

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto 'Winning the hearts of the world'.

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto 'Going beyond expectations'.

The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the f*** do you want?'

'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face.

Woman phones her old man up and says "I have run out of petrol" He asks where she is and she tells him.
"Your right by the garage" he says "just get the car pushed in its about 4 yards".
"I'm not going in there" she says, " I dont want to die".
"What you talking about he replies"?
"Have you seen what garage it is" she says "I will get that flu and die"

TEXECO you thick CNUT not MEXICO :oops:
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man are hired at a Construction site.
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.
He says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling."
And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. "I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand."
So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours the pile of sand is untouched.
He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella that he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."
The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna fin' him neither."
The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent.
Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells,

Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.

One student turned in the following book report,
With the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic:.... Cost - $29.99
Clinton :..... Cost - $29.99

Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton :... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:.... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton :... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:.... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton :..... Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic:... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton :.... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton :..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:.... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton :... Let's not go there.

Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton :.... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:.... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton :..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton :..... Monica.. ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton :..... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing
Dustbin man knocks on the door of a Chinese man
"Where's your bin mate?"
"Oh I bin on toilet"
"Nah mate where's ya dust bin"
"I tell you I dust bin on toilet"
"Nahhh mate, where's ya wheelie bin?"
*shifty eye's* "Ok, I wheelie bin having a ****"

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or
Boyfriend along shopping.
This letter was actually sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in

Dear Mrs. Murray,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco
Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering
Banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your
Husband stops his antics.
Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by
Our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15 : Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
people's trolleys when they weren't looking.
2. July 2 : Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals
3. July 7 : Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to
Feminine products aisle.
4. July 19 : Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
Tone, 'Code 3' in housewares.... And watched what happened.
5. August 14 : Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 6. September 15 : Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department
And told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages
And a Calor gas stove.
7. September 23 : When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help
Him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me
8. October 4 : Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
Mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.
9. November 10 : While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the
Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the
Antidepressants were.
10. December 3 : Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming
The Mission Impossible' theme.
11. December 6 : In the kitchenware aisle, practiced the 'MadonnaLook using different size funnels.
12.. December 18 : Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed,
Yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'
13. December 21 : When an announcement came over the loud speaker,
Assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices
Again.' And; last, but not least:
14. December 23 : Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a
While; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper
You should cover yourself by saying 'supposedly sent' as I saw that last year and it wasn't from Tesco and it wasn't to Mrs Murray in Oxford.

Aplogies if this has been posted before:

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild,
stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see
three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing
that there could only be one passenger in your car?
Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually
used as part of a job application. You could pick up
the old lady because she is injured and will die, and thus
you should save her first. Or you could take the old
friend because he once saved your life, and this would
be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you
may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had
no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered:
'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let
him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind
and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'

Sometimes we gain more if we are able to give up our
stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to 'Think
outside of the box.'


The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put
her out of her misery, shag the perfect
partner over the bonnet of the car, then drive off with
the old friend for a few beers.

God, I just love happy endings
Magic Sandals

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the
market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You
foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'

So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be
interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the
man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them,
being the Sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and
tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild
look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the
table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm
hold of the Jamaican's thighs.

The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'
As middle age approaches a wife decides to try and spice up her marital sex life and duly goes and buys some crothless knickers.

That night full of dutch courage she puts them on with a very short skirt and sits on the settee opposite her husband opening her legs.

"Have you got crothless knickers on?"
"Yes!" she exclaims
"Thank Fcuk for that I thought the stuffing was coming out of the settee!"
A woman is given a guided tour around a local hospital. She is shown various rooms, one of which is occupied by a man who is having a ****. "That's disgusting!" she cried to the escorting Doctor, who went on to explain that the man has an incurable condition. His testicles fill with semen so fast taht he has to masturbate at least five times a day or he will be in awful pain.

"Oh the poor fellow" said the woman, and the tour continued. In the next room the pair encountered a nurse who was sucking a man's cock. "Explain that..." said the woman in utter disgust.

"Same condition," replied the doctor, "but he's with BUPA"

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