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Jokes/email funnies/captions - muster here

A man and his wife are in bed, having sex. 15 minutes has passed, 30 minutes, then 45 minutes. Sweat is pouring off both of them.

The wife finally looks up and says, "What's the matter, darling, can't you think of anyone else, either?!"
A bloke goes into his local S&M club and says, "I want to be humiliated".

"That'll be £37.90, Sir," the Madam explains.

"That's cheap," the bloke enquires. "What do I get for that?"

The Madam replies, "A Man Utd shirt."
A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married.

She put an ad in the local paper that read:




On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at have no legs!"

The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!"

Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently.

"Are you still good in bed?"

With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
Steven Hawking is in the hospitals' ICU hooked up to numerous medical monitors and other machinery - apparently nurses are constantly having to go in to his room and ask them to keep the chatter down as its disturbing the other patients.
Computer trouble!

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem almost immediately.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T operator error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T operator error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T operator error before?''

No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like the little shit.

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going?' inquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem..

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.'

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.

'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

'Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so a lone.'

God though for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see.....where did I put that useless tit?'

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that stuff about the rib?
Don't know if its been posted before so here goes.
Old but IMHO personifies "Jack"

A 3 badge AB enters a train compartment with two kids. He hoists his kit bag into the rack slaps both the kids faces and sits down.
An old lady sitting opposite says to him "Young man I could get you into serious trouble for that".
A this point he falls off the seat laughing. Finally upon recovery he sits back up on the seat and the old dear repeats what she has said and asks why he finds it so funny?
He explains thus:-
In the brake van a coffin with my departed 36 year old wife, whom we are taking home for burial.
In the next compartment to this my 18 year old son with a police escort going to prison for life for murder.
In the next compartment the other way, my 15 year old daughter with her social worker pregnant no idea who the farther is.
He's shit himself he lost the tickets , I'm 24 hours adrift,.....................................And your getting me into trouble???????
I was trunking this old grolly last night and I happened to mention I had been in the Navy.
So I'm diggin out like fcuk and I ask her how I'm doing?
3 knots comes the answer.
What do you mean 3 knots I ask?

Your not hard,
Your not in,
And your not having your money back.!!
Barsteward!!!!!! :oops: :cry:
Unsecured Loads...

As a North Bay trucker stops for a red light on Hwy.11, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!â€

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says,............
"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in CANADA , and I'm driving the fcuking SALT TRUCK......."
Jokes for the ladies

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-
Shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' Liverpool '
And they say blondes are dumb...


A couple are lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...


'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.


Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour


A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!


Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.

----------------------------------------------------------- -

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practising to be men.


Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.


Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.


Yes - I copied it from an email

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