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Jokes/email funnies/captions - muster here

3 men, Irish farmer, Osama Bin Laden & an English man are granted a wish each by a genie. Irish farmer wished all the land in Ireland to be forever fertile. This was done in a flash. Osama was amazed, I want a wall all around all muslim countries so no Western infedels can come to our precious land. In a flash a great wall appeared around all Muslim countries. English man said tell me more about the wall. Genie says its 5000 feet high, 5000 feet thick, nothing gets in and nothing gets out. English man smiles, Lights a Hamlet and says.......................................................................................
.............................................................................................
Fill the f****r with water!
 
Zeus the greek god was flying over ancient Greece when he spotted a georgeous woman naked washing herself.

He made love to her then stroked her face and told her "In nine months you will have a child and you will call him Hercules!"

She dressed herself smiled and replied "In nine days you will have a rash and you will call it Herpes, now feck off!!"
 
Gordon Brown called Alastair Darling into his office one day and said, 'Alastair, I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win back Middle England'.

'Good idea PM, how will we go about it?' said Darling.

'Well' said Brown 'we'll get ourselves two of those long Barbour coats, some proper green wellies, a stick and a flat cap, oh and a Labrador. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a nice old country pub, in Little Something or other, and we'll show we really enjoy the countryside .......... Oh and remember not to mention the Hunting with Dogs Act.'

'Right PM' said Darling. So a few days later, all kitted out and with the requisite labrador at heel, they set off from London. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a lovely country pub and with the dog, went in and up to the bar.

'Good evening Landlord, two pints of your best ale, from the wood please' said Brown.

'Good evening Prime Minister' said the landlord, 'two pints of best it is, coming up.'

Brown and Darling stood leaning on the bar contemplating new taxes, nodding now and again to those who came in for a drink, whilst the dog lay quietly at their feet. As they drank their beer they chatted about how heart-rending it was that pensioners were being imprisoned for not paying the council tax. All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old shepherd, complete with crook. He walked up to the labrador, lifted its tail and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar. A few moments later, in came a wizened farmer who followed the same procedure. To the bewilderment of Brown and Darling people of all ages and gender followed suit over the next hour. Eventually, unable to stand it any longer, Darling called the landlord over.

'Tell me' said Darling, 'Why did all those people come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old custom?

'Good Lord no,' said the landlord. 'It's just that someone has told them that there was a labrador in this bar with two *********'.
 
Paddy and Mick broke into the local crematorium and stole all the ashes. They were arrested leaving the scene and asked why they had stolen the ashes.

Paddy replies, ''I was going to sell it to cannibals as Readybrek''.
 
I thought Jack Tweed was not interested in marrying Jade Goody sooner as he was only after her fame and fortune; now I understand that he is not into long-term relationships...

I hear that Girls Aloud have announced that they will be performing at Jade Goody's wedding tomorrow.
I would like to announce that I will be dancing at her funeral...

Ironic, isn't it? She has a head shaped like an egg, and will be in a box by Easter...

I can see why Jade Goody is signing exclusive deals with the OK magazine and Living TV to cover and broadcast her wedding and treatment for cancer, as she wants to accumulate plenty of money for her family when she passes away. Fair enough. But two words I would not associate with Jade Goody this Easter are "OK" and "Living"...

But I hear there is some good news, though: Living TV have not announced a second series!
 
[align=left]A woman meets a man in a bar.



They talk; they connect; they end Up leaving together.

They get back to his place,

And as he shows her around his Apartment.
She notices that one wall of his Bedroom is

Completely filled with soft, sweet, Cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the Bedroom,
With hundreds and hundreds of cute,
Cuddly teddy bears carefully placed In rows, covering the
entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken Quite some time to lovingly
arrange them

And she was immediately touched
By the amount of thought he had Put into organizing the
display.


There were small bears all along The bottom shelf,
Medium-sized bears covering the Length of the middle shelf,

and huge, enormous bears running All the way along the top
shelf

She found it strange for an Obviously masculine guy

To have such a large collection of Teddy Bears,

She is quite impressed by his Sensitive side,

But doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and Continue talking and,

After awhile, she finds herself Thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe,
this guy Could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future Father of my children?"
She turns to him and kisses him Lightly on the lips.
He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion Builds, And he romantically
lifts her in His arms and carries her into his bedroom

Where they rip off each other's Clothes and make hot, steamy
love.

She is so overwhelmed that she Responds with more passion,
More creativity, more heat than she Has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night Of raw passion with this
sensitive guy,

They are lying there together in The afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently Strokes his chest and asks
coyly,
"Well, how was it?"

The guy gently smiles at her, Strokes her cheek,
Looks deeply into her eyes, And says:


"Help yourself to any prize From the middle shelf"[/align]
 
finknottle said:
What's the difference between a Naval Patrol Van and a hedgehog?

On the Naval Patrol Van the pricks are on the inside.

Yeah, I know - in the back of the cage! And they're no longer called "Naval Patrol"... :oops: :roll:
 
sgtpepperband said:
finknottle said:
What's the difference between a Naval Patrol Van and a hedgehog?

On the Naval Patrol Van the pricks are on the inside.

Yeah, I know - in the back of the cage! And they're no longer called "Naval Patrol"... :oops: :roll:

Age showing a bit here but don't forget the poor twat whose ship is FCS1 and thus has to supply mk1 AB to help the Reggies (Naval Police). Sitting in the cage whilst being driven around Guzz seeing your shipmates getting pissed and having a great time. And on a Friday night too. Well stitched up :-(
 
It was said in my day that they changed to regulators because they could not make it in their chosen branch; of course I never believed that but the question does arise why would any sailor want to be one?

One thing I do know I never trusted one further than I could spit.
 
Like the time the Leading Reg Frank D who went ashore in Belize to collect the mail and was led astray by some local strumpet he did not return until the next morning well adrift, to his credit or by some miracle the mail was still intact. As I recall he got off very lightly after being interviewed without coffee by the old man.
 
How to be really offensive - without even trying





A history teacher asks a class full of kids 'What was Churchill famous for?'
A kid at the back shouts out 'He was the last white man to be called Winston!'


----------------------------------------------------------------------


Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China ?
Everybody won.


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What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?
About 2.3 pounds including the urn.


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Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans.

Got through to a call centre in Pakistan ..
Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane......


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A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says 'Show me it's true what they say about black men'... So he stabbed her and nicked her purse.


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I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...

'Oi, what's your disability?'

I said 'Tourettes! Now f**k off!'

----------------------------------------------------------------------

A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.

'Excuse me do I know you?' he asks.
'Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids' she says.

The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says 'Are you the bird I shagged on my stag night, whilst your mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my arse?'

'No' she replies 'I'm your son's English teacher!'


----------------------------------------------------------------------

I said to the wife, 'I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut' '


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What's the difference between Harold Shipman and Tony Blair?

Shipman actually did something about NHS waiting lists.


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A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'.

He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.

She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan!'.


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Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees Sister Rose washing the kitchen floor. He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground. As he's shagging her the Rev Mother comes in.

'SISTER ROSE!!!' she roars 'Have some respect. Arch your back girl and keep Father Duffy's balls off the wet floor!!'


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Tampax are changing their design they are replacing the string with a piece of tinsel .... This is for the Christmas period only!


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A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time'.

His wife replies 'You've got a bigger knob than your brother'
 

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