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Jokes/email funnies/captions - muster here

An Austrian journalist asked a neighbour how long he had known Josef Frittzels daughter Alice.


Alice? he replied..."Who the **** is Alice, for 24 years i've been living next door to Alice?"
 
Late one night, a nun is making her way home. She waves a taxi over and a good-looking cabbie steps out to help her into the car.

"Thank you, you're very kind", she says.
The cabbie says: "I'm not so kind. In fact, I think I'm going to hell."
"Why on earth would you think that?" the nun replies.
"Well I have always had a fantasy about sleeping with a nun", the man says slowly, "and I know it's sinful but I can't stop these feelings."
"I'd love to help you," says the nun. "But I could only sleep with you if you were a) Single, b) Catholic and c) if you took me from behind, as I am a nun and therefore need to preserve my virginity."

The cabbie gets very excited about this, agrees, and twenty minutes later they are lying together on the back seat of the cab, exhausted.

The nun notices that the man is crying.
"My child, what is the matter? Did I not fulfill your dream?" she asks.
"I'm sorry...I'm sorry but I lied to you", the cabbie says through his tears. "I'm married and Jewish."

The nun thinks about this.

"Well." She says. "My name is Kevin and I'm on my way home from a fancy dress party."

;)
 
The most politically incorrect joke ............



Two Muslim mothers are sitting in the cafe chatting over a pint of goat's milk. The older of the mums pulls out her bag and starts flipping through pictures and reminiscing.'This is my oldest son, Mohammed. He would be 24 now'.

The other mum replies, 'I remember him as a baby.

'Mum says, 'He's a martyr now.

''Oh, so sad my dear.

'Mum flips to another picture. 'And this is my second son, Kalid. He would be 21.

''Oh I remember him. He had such curly hair when he was born.

'Mum sighs, 'He's a martyr, too.

''Oh gracious me ,' says the second mother.

'And this is my third son. My beautiful Ahmed! He would be 18'. Mum whispers.

'Yes,' says her friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started school.

''He's a martyr also', Mum says, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photos and says...........'They blow up so fast, don't they?'
 
Q: How do you know when your girlfriend is too young?
A: You've gotta make 'aeroplane noises' when you put your cock in her mouth...

+++++

My Daughter told me the other day that they're not wrinkles, they're "laughter lines", which is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me...

...about my scrotum!

:twisted:
 
Marine Dog

A man is driving around the back woods of Forfar and he sees a sign in front of a broken down cotter house: "Talking Dog for Sale"

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is out the back.

The man goes into the back and sees a nice looking Basset hound sitting there. "Do you really talk?" he asks.

"Aye," the Basset hound replies.

After the man recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"

The Basset hound looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was very young. I wanted to help the government, so I told them and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services...the Royal Marines.

Well, in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders--because no one realised a dog would be eaves-dropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for 8 years running, but all that jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down.

I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years, you know) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The man is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten pounds," the guy says.

"Ten pounds! ! This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's such a bullsh- - -er ... He never did any of that Marine cr- -! ....................




He was in the Navy!"
 
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close just lying down waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden....................

'Hey Jose, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet.'

'Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee....'

So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next san dune, and there , in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There is raw bacon, dripping with moisture grilled bacon, there is fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon, honey bacon.......every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

'Jose, Jose, we is saved. Eees a bacon tree.'

'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We eees in the desert don't forget.'

Jose, when deed you ever heer of a meerage that smell like
bacon........ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree.'

And with that ...... Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Jose following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, a true friend that he is, manages to warn Jose with his dying breath.

"Jose...go back man, yous was right ees not a bacon tree.'

'Luis, Luis mi amigo.... what ees it?'



Ees




Ees





Ees




Ees





Ees




Ees




Ees a ham bush
 
A blonde was on vacation and driving through Darwin . She desperately wanted to take home a pair of genuine crocodile shoes but was very
reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the 'no haggle on prices' attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own crocodile, so I can get a pair of shoes for free'

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, 'Little lady, just go and give it a try'!

The blonde headed out toward the river, determined to catch a crocodile!

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the bank where he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he spots a huge 3 metre croc swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy banks of the river. Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs. The shopkeeper stood on the bank,
watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled and flipped the croc
onto its back.

Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out.......


'SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO'
 
I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'magic`. Wow!", I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!" She just giggled and said she was sure I'd rise to the challenge!!!

"Yeah" I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days!" She laughed and told me to stop being so silly!

She teased me saying that tubby bald men were cute! "Anyway, I've put on a few pounds myself!" she giggled...................

So I told her to f*ck off.
 
Please take note -

In deference to the Archbishop of Canterbury and the new Royal Commission for Political Correctness, it was announced today that the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as 'English weather.'


In order to avoid offending a sizable and growing proportion of the population, it can now be referred as 'Muslim weather.'



In other words, partly Sunni but mostly Shi'ite.
 
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn' t been there for a while, and looks it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting And laughing with glee..

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast.
 
A police officer pulls a Navy Chief over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Navy Chief Petty Officer: I don't have one. It was suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?
Navy Chief: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?
Navy Chief: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Navy Chief: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!
Navy Chief: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain.
The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Navy Chief: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Whose car is this?
Navy Chief: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Navy Chief: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Navy Chief: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it.
The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Navy Chief: Yeah, and I'll bet the liar said that I was speeding, too.
 
A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party
and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Colin,
the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns,
oysters and BBQ and flirting. At the height of the party, the host
said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a
million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash
and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the
croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches,
doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the
croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind
of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the
croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Colin strangled the
croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.

Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring
at him in disbelief.

The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'

'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it', said Colin.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the
bet. How about half a million bucks then?'

'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Colin.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was
amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'

Again, Colin said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?'


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Colin said, "I want the bastard who pushed me in".'
 
A Moslem has died and has arrived in Heaven. He is very excited as, all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed. Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.

'Are you Mohammed?' he asks. 'No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up' and he points him to a ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbed the ladder in great strides. He meets another bearded man. Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?' 'No, I am Jesus. Mohammed is higher up still' Mohammed higher than Jesus! The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.

Once again, he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question: 'Are you Mohammed?' 'No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still'. Exhausted but with heart full
of joy, he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he meets a man with a beard.

'Are you Mohammed?' he gasps, as he is by now totally out of breath from all his climbing. 'No, my son. I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?'

'Yes please, my Lord'

God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:

'Mohammed, two coffees please.'
 

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