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Jokes/email funnies/captions - muster here

Grandma and Grandad were watching a healing servise on the television. The evangelist called all who wanted to be healed to place one hand on the television and the other on the body part that needed healing.Grandma placed her hand on the television and the other on her arthritic shoulder. Then Grandad got up and placed his hand on the television and the other on his crotch. Grandma looked at him and said I see that you did not understand this. The purpose of this is to heal the sick, not the dead..........
 
Circus comes to town and sets up the Big Top.Next act is the Lion Tamer and as usual the ferocious lion is sat on the stool.
Lion Tamer cracks his whip and the lion opens his mouth, the audience are hushed thinking the guy is going to put his head in the lions mouth. But instead the guy whips out his dick and puts it in the lions mouth!! Then a crack of the whip and the lion closes its mouth to within half an inch of the guys bell end!
The crowd go wild! He cracks the whip again, the lion opens its mouth and the guy puts his dick away.
He says to the audience,"I'll give £1,000 to anyone who can do that"!
A Gay stands up and says,"I'll give it a go, but I don't thnik I can open my mouth as wide as that fcuking lion"!!!!! :lol: :shock:
 
Circus comes to town and sets up the Big Top.Next act is the Lion Tamer and as usual the ferocious lion is sat on the stool.
Lion Tamer cracks his whip and the lion opens his mouth, the audience are hushed thinking the guy is going to put his head in the lions mouth. But instead the guy whips out his dick and puts it in the lions mouth!! Then a crack of the whip and the lion closes its mouth to within half an inch of the guys bell end!
The crowd go wild! He cracks the whip again, the lion opens its mouth and the guy puts his dick away.
He says to the audience,"I'll give £1,000 to anyone who can do that"!
A Gay stands up and says,"I'll give it a go, but I don't thnik I can open my mouth as wide as that fcuking lion"!!!!! :lol: :shock:
 
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."






The wife says nothing,
Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you are."



Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75 He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently..




Up to 80. "I want the car, too," he continues.




85 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"




The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"




The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"




Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph,The wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."








Moral of the Story:
Women are crazy!!!!
 
Two drunks walking down the road.. pass by a shop mirror,, both look in one says hey i know that man cant think where from though.... the second drunks says you stupid cnut thats ME!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
Lady visits her G.P. as her hubby has lost all interest in sex…
‘’ Does your husband like mustard’’ ? asks the doc..
‘’ Pardon’’ !? exclaims the lady…
‘’ Does your husband like mustard’’ ? repeats the doc…
‘’ Yes he loves it’’ replies the lady ‘’ he smothers his food with it at every sitting’’
Doc explains..’’ This tube of mustard I have here looks like mustard, tastes like mustard but is in fact the most powerfull aphrodisiac in the world and I guarantee your hubby will be insatiable after one dose’’…
Lady grabs the mustard ,thanks the doc and rushes home to prepare hubby’s favourite tea.
Hubby arrives home from work…’’ Hello darling, I have made your favourite tea, bangers and mash and there is some fresh mustard for your use ‘’
‘’ Cracking’’ says hubby and sits down to tuck in…
Lady rushes upstairs to await her night of passion but before she can reach the bedroom the sound of raucous laughter can be herd coming from the kitchen, she returns downstairs to find her hubby rolling around on the floor in tears of laughter.. when she manages to calm him down and stop him giggling he splutters
‘’ I put some mustard on the sausage and it shot up the cats arse’’
 
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any?
A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed
to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
 
An Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car so she's lying flat out on the floor.

Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."
Sharon: "Ok."
Medic: "Ok then how many fingers am I putting up?"
Sharon: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"
 
A bloke was just telling his mate that his wife was off to St Petersburg ,
His mate say's "is she Russian",
"No mate , she's taking her time" , :???: :wink:
 
Stripey_G said:
Circus comes to town and sets up the Big Top.Next act is the Lion Tamer and as usual the ferocious lion is sat on the stool.
Lion Tamer cracks his whip and the lion opens his mouth, the audience are hushed thinking the guy is going to put his head in the lions mouth. But instead the guy whips out his dick and puts it in the lions mouth!! Then a crack of the whip and the lion closes its mouth to within half an inch of the guys bell end!
The crowd go wild! He cracks the whip again, the lion opens its mouth and the guy puts his dick away.
He says to the audience,"I'll give �1,000 to anyone who can do that"!
A Gay stands up and says,"I'll give it a go, but I don't thnik I can open my mouth as wide as that fcuking lion"!!!!! :lol: :shock:

:lol: :lol: :lol: Stripey_G: why the :shock: ???
:lol: :lol: :lol:
 
In the paper it said "Please look after your neighbours in the cold weather".
My neighbour is an 87 year old woman. Not once has she come round to check if I'm all right. The lazy cow hasn't even taken in her milk for two weeks.
 

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