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Jokes/email funnies/captions - muster here

A fire-fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl riding down the sidewalk in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl is wearing a fire-fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire-fighter walks out to take a closer look.

"That sure is a nice fire truck," he says admiringly.

"Thanks, Mister Fireman," the girl says. The fire-fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.


"Hey Little Pardner," the fire-fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think
you could go faster."

The little girl replies sweetly, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a fcukin' siren would I?"
 
A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee", she said.

"Where", he asked.

"Between the first and second hole", she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, " Your stance is too wide."
 
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender charges him 15 PENCE Confused but not complaining, the man pays.

After a while, he decides to have another beer and some food, so he orders another beer and a steak. The bartender charges him 50 PENCE, 15 for the beer and 35 for the food.

After finishing his food and drink, he calls the bartender over and says, "Mate, that was the best steak I've ever had. I want to talk to the manager and thank him."

"No problem," says the bartender. "He's upstairs with my wife."

"What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" asks the man.

"Probably the same thing I'm doing to his business down here!"
 
Newspaper cuttings
(from www.thehumorarchives.com - 19 January 2004)
Bits and boobs from UK Newspapers


___ From the Churchdown Parish Magazine: ___
'Would the Congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the Church labeled "For The Sick", is for monetary donations only.'

___ From The Guardian concerning a sign seen in a Police canteen in Christchurch, New Zealand: ___
'Will the person who took a slice of cake from the Commissioner's Office return it immediately. It is needed as evidence in a poisoning case.'

___ From The Times: ___
'A young girl, who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth, was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast-guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common these days."

___ From The Gloucester Citizen: ___
'A sex line caller complained to Trading Standards. After dialing an 0891 number from an advertisement entitled "Hear Me Moan" the caller was played a tape of a woman nagging her husband for failing to do jobs around the house. Consumer Watchdogs in Dorset refused to look into the complaint, saying, "He got what he deserved."

___ From The Daily Telegraph in a piece headed "Brussels Pays 200,000 Pounds to Save Prostitutes": ___
"... the money will not be going directly into the prostitutes' pocket, but will be used to encourage them to lead a better life. We will be training them for new positions in hotels."

___ From The Derby Abbey Community News: ___
"We apologize for the error in the last edition, in which we stated that 'Mr Fred Nicolme is a Defective in the Police Force'. This was a typographical error. We meant of course that Mr Nicolme is a Detective in the Police Farce."
 
A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."
 
My daughter came home from school with this ,,see how long it takes you to work it out......
you must place the riders on the horese with out cuting up or bending it..
oops its gone now..lol
 
Just found this on another site and thought you may like it...

40 Gypsies died and went to heaven. They turned up at the Pearly Gates and asked St Peter to let them in.

He said that they didn't have room for all 40 of them. He only had room for 5, so they should go away and think about who would come in.

A short while later St Peter went to see God and said " They've gone!"

God replied, "What, the Pikeys"?

"No the F*cking gates"!!!!
 
There is a new study out about women
and how they feel about their asses!

These are the results
85% think their ass is too fat
10% think their ass to skinny
and the other 5% say hes a good man an would have married him anyway
 
In the nusing home one evening. the old man looked over to the old lady," know just what your wanting for £5 I will have sex with you in that rocking chair over there" the old lady looked surprised but said nothing.The old man continued " £10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofaover there, but for £20 I,ll take you back to my room light some candles and give you the most romantic night of your life"

The old lady still said nothing, but after a couple of minutes, she started digging in her purse.She pulled out a wrinkled £20 note held it up "so you want the romantic night then " said the old man
"Get seriouse "she replied "four times in the rocking chair"
 
A recent scientific study has found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle. For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged masculine features, and when she is menstuating she prefers a man to be doused in petrol, set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his arse.
 
What Am I??
A common object used by both sexes, normaly about 8 inches long
with little hairs on the end, and a hole at the other. For most of the day
I am laying down, but am ready for instant action. When in use I move back and forth and in and out a warm moist hole. When the work is finaly done , a white mush is left behind and I return to my original position.
Cleaning is done after..What am I............

Iam your very own toothbrush.................. oi what were you thinking......
 

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