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Jokes/email funnies/captions - muster here

Two Eskimos sitting in a Kayak were chilly .
They lit a fire , the canoe sank ,
Proving once & for all that you can't have your Kayak and heat it ,
After years of milking cows with the traditional stool-and-squirt method, Farmer Giles finds he has enough money to order a high-tech milking machine. The equipment arrives a few days later and, realising his wife is out for the day, decides to test the machine on himself first.

After setting it up, he quickly eases his beef bayonet into the equipment and flicks the switch. The sucking teat pleasures him better than his wife ever could, but when it's over the machine will not release his member. In desperation, the farmer calls the Customer Service Hotline. "Hello," he winces, "I've just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but, er, how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"

"Don't worry." Replies the rep. "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons."


A man with no arms or legs is sunbathing on the beach. He is approached by three beautiful young women who take pity on him.
The first says to him, "Have you ever been hugged?"
The man shakes his head, and she leans down and gives him a hug. The second says to him, "Have you ever been kissed?"
He shakes his head. She kisses him.
Rather abruptly, the third girl asks, "Have you ever been fucked?"
"No," says the man, his eyes lighting up.
"Well, you are now, The tide's coming in."


A man surveys the women in a nightclub, picks out the most attractive, and takes a seat next to her at the bar. He uses all his best lines, but gets nowhere. Finally, he reaches into his pocket, takes out a small box, and pulls a frog out of it.
"Cute," says the woman. "Is that a pet?" The man smiled. "Yes, and he's good at doing tricks too." "Like what?" "He eats pussy. Come back to my place and I'll prove it to you." Once in the bedroom, the girl strips off and puts the frog between her legs. The frog doesn't move. After a couple of minutes, the woman looks at the immobile frog, and finally demands, "Well?"
The man shakes his head sorrowfully, picks up the frog and says, "Okay, you idiot, I'm only going to show you one more time."

dondon said:
Good ones "Creddly", lol :lol: :D

Cheers mate!

I heard that you've got to have a sense of humor in the Armed Forces, but when I joined the Army I shrugged it off... until the Corporals started asking me to stand out and tells jokes to the entire unit - When you don't know any, it's embarrassing! lol, so all I've read until then are jokes! haha!

Here's one - Might be a bit naughty and I haven't checked the rules (Don't kill me moderators!!!)

Mrs. Jones was looking through her Catalog bills with grief one day, when she heard a knock on the door.
As she answered her husbands good friend was at the door, "Is he in?" he asked! "No he's just popped out" she answerd!
He asked to come into wait so she agreed. When he sat down and was bought a cup of tea, he inquired as to what the bills were all about. She explained all their debt freely as this was her husbands best friend and was not embarrassed!
He responded with pulling cash out of his pocket - "I can help you know!" he said... she asked how!
He said well I can offer some of this lovely cash if you do me a couple of favors!
"What sort?" she asked! He told her that if she was to show her lovely large breasts, he may slip her a quick £25!
She responded angrily and told him to get out! He quickly calmed her down and explained that times are hard these days and all she would have to do was show her breasts to him to instantly earn £25. She lifted her top and bra much to his delight! He put £25 on the table and offered a chance to earn £75 more!
Now breaking the boundary, she asks what she's got to do!
He said, well just strip off naked and slip your hand down my trousers! She went off again trying to force him out until again, he clarified how hard life was and she needed the money! So she proceeded to strip off and put her hand down his trousers!
Really aroused, he offers he a final £150 to go all the way!
Knowing that she would have a grand total of £250 for the day and already breaking the boundary of cheating and physical contact, she agrees and leads her husbands best friend, their best man at the wedding, upstairs!
2 minutes later they return down stairs puffing and panting!
That was great he says, here's your £250, not bad for a days work! I'll be off now he says! She asks isn't he going to wait for her husband!
No i'll see him again he says! I've just left the cash on the coffee table for you!

Shortly after leaving the husband returns home and greets his wife with a kiss! She informs him that his friend has been round to which he quickly spots the money on the coffee table... oh right, I see he left the £250 he owed me!
A gay man walks into a country bar and says, "I just everyone to know that I'm gay, but I won't hit on anyone , I just like country music".
The bartender says that it's ok and the man stays .

The next day the gay man comes back with another guy and says , "This is my brother , I just want everyone to know that we're gay , but we wont hit on anyone , we just like country music."
The bartender again says that is ok and the men stay.

Again , the next day the man comes back , but this time he is with even more men and says ,"These are my cousins and my brother , I just want everyone to know that we're gay , but we wont hit on anyone , we just like country music."

The bartender finaly gets curious and asks , "Hey , doesn't ANYONE in your family like girls!!".

The gay man replies, "Yeah, but she doesn't like country music."
Three nuns were in church the other day and the first nun says , "I was going through the fathers office and do you know what I found ! A bunch of pornographic magazines!"
"What did you do!" the other nuns asked.

"Well of course I threw them in the bin."

The second nun said , "Well , I can top that ,I was in fathers room putting away his laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!"

"Oh my !" gasped the other nuns ,

"What did you do !" they asked,

"I poked holes in all of them !" she replied ,

The third nun fainted .

This boy just takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out together , and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and say to her , "Sweetie , why don't you give me a blowjob!"

"What! You're crazy!!!!!!"

"Don't worry , it will be quick , no problem."

"No!! Someone might see , a relative , a neighbor...."

"At this time of night no one will show up.."

"I've already said no, and no!"

"Honey , it's just a small blowjob.... I know you like it too..."

"NO!!!! I've said NO!!!!!"

"My love .. don't be like that.."

At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in nightgown with hair in total disorder , rubbing her eyes and says , "Dad says either you have to blow him , I have to blow him , or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob himself , but for god's sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!!"
Saw this in a different forum.

How many Forum Subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to 'post' that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

1 to move it to the Lighting Forum section.

2 to argue then move it to the Electrical Forum section .

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs .

5 to 'flame' the spell checkers.

3 to correct spelling/grammar 'flames.'

6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb' ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp.'

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that light bulb is perfectly correct.

19 to 'post' that this Forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb Forum.

11 to defend the 'posting' to this Forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the 'posts' are relevant to this Forum.

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.

7 to 'post' URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

4 to 'post' that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URLs.

3 to 'post' about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

13 to link all 'posts' to date, quote them in their entirety including all
headers and signatures, and add "Me too."

5 to 'post' to the group that they will no longer 'post' because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

4 to say, "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before 'posting' questions about light bulbs."
Thought it was time for a joke or three

Rubbing Her The Right Way

A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.

One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

Young Couple

A young couple got married, and in their family, it was tradition that the best man dance with the bride for the first song. Well, this happened...but then they danced for the second song too. And the third. By the time the fourth song came on, the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs. A riot broke out, and all the invited guests were hauled off to jail.
In court the next week, the judge asked the best man what happened.

''Your honor, we were just dancing, and the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs.''

''That must have hurt,'' said the judge.

I'd Rather Have a Puppy

A little boy and his dad were walking down the street whan they saw two dogs having sex. The little boy asks his father “Daddy, what are they doing?†The father says, “Making a puppy.†So they walk on and go home.
A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The little boy says, “Daddy, what are you doing?†The father replies, “Making a baby.†The little boy says, “Well, flip her around! I'd rather have a puppy instead!â€
Old Rosie, age 95, was despondent over the recent death of her
husband Earl, so she decided to just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out
Earl's old army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the
heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a
burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to learn her heart's
exact location.
"Since you're a woman," the doctor said, "your heart is just below
your left breast, Why do you ask?" Rosie hung-up without answering.
Later that night, Rosie was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot
wound to her knee.

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