Jokes/email funnies/captions - muster here

#1
An Ensign was sitting his first qualification board for Officer of the Deck at sea. After several hours of watching the young officer answer difficult questions from the members of the board, the ship's Captain decided to finish off the board by placing the Ensign in a completely hypothetical emergency situation.

"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard side?" he asked.

"Throw out an anchor, Sir," the Ensign replied.

"And what would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"

"I'd throw out another anchor, Captain."

"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?" asked the Captain.

"Throw out another anchor, Sir," the Ensign said.

"Hold on," said the Captain. "Where are you getting all those anchors from?"

The Ensign smiled. "From the same place you're getting all those storms, Sir."
 
#3
A South African gold miner has an horrific injury whilst at work an ends up having to have his leg removed,after a few weeks he becomes very very depressed. 'I'm screwed now' he said 'who on earth is going to want a one legged gold digger....'








ME said Paul McCartney
 

abacus

Midshipman
#6
Soldier, Sailor, Airman in the bar.

Soldier says: My wife is so thick. She's just bought a car and she doesn't drive.

Sailor says: Think that's bad? My wife has just paid for a swimming pool to be built in the back garden and she doesn't swim.

Airman thinks for a while: I can beat that, my wife has just gone to Greece on holiday. She's taken 50 condoms with her and she doesn't even have a c0ck...
 

Ageing_Gracefully

War Hero
Moderator
Review Editor
Book Reviewer
#8
AuldYin said:
A South African gold miner has an horrific injury whilst at work an ends up having to have his leg removed,after a few weeks he becomes very very depressed. 'I'm screwed now' he said 'who on earth is going to want a one legged gold digger....'


ME said Paul McCartney
Oiyyy AuldYin - you tryin to nick my old and established name? :wink:

Hope you can live up (or down) to it.
 
#9
Actually, when I joined I didn't know the name was in use. As it could get very confusing I will change mine to something else if one of the mods can let me know how to do it..
 

Ageing_Gracefully

War Hero
Moderator
Review Editor
Book Reviewer
#10
AuldYin said:
Actually, when I joined I didn't know the name was in use. As it could get very confusing I will change mine to something else if one of the mods can let me know how to do it..
No need - this is really your site - I will change mine in the next day or so, once I think up something appropriate (printable suggestions accepted :oops: )

This was my username from ARRSE so it should be up to me to change.

Regards and good luck with your site.

x A-Y
 
#12
Auld-Yin said:
AuldYin said:
Actually, when I joined I didn't know the name was in use. As it could get very confusing I will change mine to something else if one of the mods can let me know how to do it..
No need - this is really your site - I will change mine in the next day or so, once I think up something appropriate (printable suggestions accepted :oops: )

This was my username from ARRSE so it should be up to me to change.

Regards and good luck with your site.

x A-Y
How about Auldest-Yin? or Ancient-Yin :)
 
#14
AuldYin said:
Actually, when I joined I didn't know the name was in use. As it could get very confusing I will change mine to something else if one of the mods can let me know how to do it..
If you want to change your name the easiest way is just to create a new one. There are posters on Arrse that do it daily!
 
#17
The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "shout loudly and excitedly" to "elaborate military posturing". Two more levels remain, "ineffective combat operations" and "change sides".

The Germans also increased their alert state from "disdainful arrogance" to "dress in uniform and sing marching songs". They also have two higher levels: "invade a neighbour" and "lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual and the only threat they worry about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
 
#18
Charles and Camilla are apparently a bit flummoxed by the whole marriage thing. It's reported that on their wedding night the following
took place:

As Camilla was making last-minute preparations to walk down the aisle, she found that her shoes were missing. She was forced to borrow her sister's,
which were a bit on the small side.
When the day's festivities were finally over, Charles and Camilla retired to their room, right next door to the Queen's and Prince Phillip's.
Because of the type of construction done following the Windsor Castle fire, the adjoining walls were made of plasterboard.

As soon as Charles and Camilla were inside their room, Camilla flopped on the bed and said, "Darling, please get these shoes off. My feet are killing me."
The ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked the right shoe with vigour, but it was stuck fast.
Harder!" Camilla yelled. "Harder!"
"I'm trying, darling!" The Prince yelled back. "It's just so bloody tight!"
"Come on! Give it all you've got!" There was a big groan from the
Prince, and then Camilla exclaimed, "There! That's it! Oh that feels good! Oh that feels SO good!"
In the bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said,See?
I told you, with a face like that she was still a virgin."
Back in the bridal suite, Charles was trying to pry off the left shoe.
Oh, my God, darling! This one's even tighter!" exclaimed the heir to the throne.
At which Prince Phillip turned to the Queen and said,

"That's my boy. Once a Sailor, always a Sailor!"
 
#19
function said:
The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "shout loudly and excitedly" to "elaborate military posturing". Two more levels remain, "ineffective combat operations" and "change sides".

The Germans also increased their alert state from "disdainful arrogance" to "dress in uniform and sing marching songs". They also have two higher levels: "invade a neighbour" and "lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual and the only threat they worry about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
PMSL,Thats sooooo kin funny! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
 
#20
Ok, it's an old one but a good one.


Subject: Nelson 200 years on, could Trafalgar happen today?

It's 199 years since Lord Nelson's famous naval victory over the French
and Spanish in the Battle of Trafalgar. To kick-start the anniversary
celebrations, an actor dressed as Nelson posed for pictures on the River
Thames at Greenwich. But before he was allowed on board an RNLI
Lifeboat, safety officials made him wear a lifejacket over his 19th
century admiral's uniform.

How would Nelson have fared if he had been subject to modern health
and safety regulations?


"Order the signal to be sent, Hardy."

"Aye, aye sir."

"Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the
meaning of this?"

"Sorry sir?"

"England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race,
gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What
gobbledegook is this?"

"Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities
employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the
censors, lest it be considered racist."

"Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

"Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working
environments."

"In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace
to steel the men before battle."

"The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking."

"Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed
ahead."

"I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this
stretch of water."

"d**n it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history.
We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the masthead, please."

"That won't be possible, sir."

"What?"

"Health and safety have closed the masthead, sir. No harness. And they
said that the futtock shrouds don't meet regulations. They won't let
anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

"Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

"He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."

"Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

"Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free
environment for the differently abled."

"Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to
hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by
playing the disability card."

"Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the
areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

"Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

"A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the
crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone
breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

"I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to
stand by to engage the enemy."

"The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

"What? This is mutiny."

"It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with
murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid
lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

"Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

"Actually, sir, we're not."

"We're not?"

"No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now.
According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this
stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

"But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

"I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that
sir. You'll be up on disciplinary."

"You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King."

"Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now
put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules."

"Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, bum baccy
and the lash?"

"As I explained, sir, rum and baccy are off the menu. And now there's a
ban on corporal punishment."

"What about bum?"

"I believe it's to be encouraged, sir."

"In that case ... kiss me, Hardy."
 
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