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Jokes about the wife!

hawky94

Midshipman
My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big ******* red mark on her forehead.


 

sgtpepperband

War Hero
Book Reviewer
Was recently on holiday with my missus and she was putting sun cream on.

"Do you mind doing my back?" she asked.

"Let's pretend I'm your butler," I winked. "My name's Dawes."
"Ok!" she giggled, "Would you mind doing my back, Dawes?"

And that's why I'm sleeping in the spare room... :oops:
 

BillyNoMates

War Hero
I just got *NETFLIX* and me and her decided to sit down and she wanted to watch a nice sort of comedy romance."Could you find a film on NetFlix that reminds you of the last time we made love?" she asks."Okay darling", I said. She trotted off to get the chilled wine and a tin of Cadburys Heroes and by the time she got back in the living room, I was sat in front of the Flat-screen TV watching *Enter the Dragon* And THAT'S why I'm sleeping in the shed out the back. B.N.M.
 

Topstop

War Hero
Using my new fly swatter when the wife walks in and asks "killed any yet?"

I reply "yep three one male and two females"

Intrigued she asks "how do you know their sex?"
.
.
.
"got one on a can of beer and two on the phone"
 

Topstop

War Hero
I bought my wife a pug dog as a present the other day. Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat the dog seems to like her
 

Drakey

War Hero
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anaesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!"The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?" The man turned to his wife and said,"Open your mouth love, and show him."
 

Sharkey

Banned
Me and my mate saw two lads attacking the wife, he says, arnt you going to help, I says no, two should be enough
 

taffscrivs

War Hero
Came home today and said to the wife, "I've just won the Lottery, pack some bags". She asks, "Are we going anywhere nice?". I replied, "Not we....you, just pack 'em and **** off"!
 
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