Joke that made I giggle

[buffersduffer]

 

[47MLB]

 

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I’ve just bought a Humpty Dumpty toy from Aldi.
It comes with Aldi Kings horses and Aldi Kings men
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It's been 10 years now, since I split up with my first love.
I met her at the counter at Tesco's petrol station.
We were to be married, but she broke off the engagement after 6 months. I was devastated.
Every time I visit the place now, I can't help filling up.
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Some idiots have stolen all the bus stop signs from down my street.
Honestly, where do these people get off?
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How does the Vatican transfer money?
Papal
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'Watson, I think that woman has gastroenteritis.'
'How on earth do you know that, Holmes?'
'Alimentary, my Dear Watson.'
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I wish I’d read the holiday brochure more carefully.
Just spent two weeks on the Norfolk B-roads

 

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Cadbury's have just donated a giant chocolate bar to the Bank of England.
It's a massive Boost for the economy.
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Some warnings are so stupid. Like on this deodorant: 'Avoid contact with eyes.'
Too late, I've already seen it.
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Apparently in Maine there is Yak that can kill you for no particular reason.
It's known as a Homocidal Maine Yak
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Scoff all you want, I enjoy unlimited buffets.
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I broke into a chicken pox testing facility. I was soon spotted
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I was in an Indian restaurant last night having a meal, when waiter came over and
says, 'Curry Ok?'
I said, 'Go on then but I’m only singing one song’

 

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Someone has just told me that I don't know how to shave properly...
Bloody cheek!
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I hear the Lone Ranger has a new sidekick who comes from Canada.
He's called Toronto
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If you're here for the yodelling lesson, please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.
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The story of how I was attacked by a vampire was in the Sun, the Mail, and the Star.
But I didn't see anything in the Mirror.
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I went to the zoo the other day and saw what I thought was a parrot playing solitaire.
I thought to myself.... toucan play at this game
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I’ve been invited to a Garden Party at Buckingham Palace……..
Well, it’s actually a jumble sale.
At Crystal Palace.
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Today is National Procrastination Day, so I'll be celebrating it...probably tomorrow, but maybe another day, then again maybe one day next week.
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[dapperdunn]

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The story of how I was attacked by a vampire was in the Sun, the Mail, and the Star.
But I didn't see anything in the Mirror.
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Fantastic!

 

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Just invented a telepathic air freshener.
Makes scents when you think about

 

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A lot of conflict in the old Wild West could easily have been avoided if 19th century architects had made their towns big enough for more than one person!
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My new apprentice doesn't understand the concept of a second coat of paint.
I said "Right, let's go over this again..."
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I've started dating a girl who's doing a master's degree in literature. She asked me the other night what I thought about Poe.
I told her I was a big fan of his early work, but I must say my favourite is now Tinky Winky.
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The inventor of the Morse code has sadly passed away.
Dashes to dashes dots to dots.
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Did you hear about the typesetter who was christened in the wrong font?
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I found a chippy that serves fish and chips on photocopier paper.
It's a little plaice on the A4.

 

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“Waiter! Waiter! This meat tastes like rubber!"
“Yes sir. It’s beef Wellington."
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I've recently applied to join the 'leaning to one side society' - I'm on the list.
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A swarm of bees has been causing problems in our local Sainsburys.
They must be after their nectar points.
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Police hunting a gang of thieves who stole thousands of sets of dominos have admitted they have drawn a blank.
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I used to really enjoy teaching apprentices how to fit the green fabric on snooker tables.
I just wanted to share how I felt.
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I'm feeling a bit gutted, honestly thought my entry would win the giant butterfly competition.
I told everyone I would win.
Me and my big moth

 

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My first car was covered in wallpaper.
It was a William Morris Minor
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My wife was disgusted when I wacked a big mouse with my shoe.
She's never taking me to Disneyland again.
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My wife told me she's listening to every Beatles song in alphabetical order.
I think she might be up to Something.
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Police are looking for a mugger who threatens his victims with a lit match.
They need to catch him before he strikes again.
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I wish I had green fingers, everything I touch goes wrong - this morning my beans had done a runner.
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I was surprised to see a policeman at the hairdressers.
I'd never had a brush with the law before.

 

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I went to the hospital today & I said: "I've been bitten by a wolf"
Doctor said: "Where?!”
I said: "No just an ordinary one".
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I've recently bought a new voice activated car but it doesn't seem to be working properly.
I'm really upset, it goes without saying.
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What do you call a werewolf, who doesn't know he's a werewolf?
Unawarewolf.
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I went to a kleptomaniacs anonymous meeting last night but all the seats were taken.
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We were so poor growing up we couldn't afford shoes, I had to wrap my feet in bubble wrap to pop to the shops.
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The man who invented Musical Chairs died last week.
112 people turned up to his funeral, although there were only 111 seats.

 

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I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar.
Could be a Chinese Wispa ?
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The Institute of unfinished research has concluded that 6 out of 10 people……………..
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My friend was being chased by a group of taxidermists and made the mistake of playing dead.
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So my neighbour's lad climbed into a plant pot and covered himself in soil.
His dad said: "I'm hoping he will grow out of it"
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So I wanted to buy a home suitable for a musician so I bought A flat.
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Robert and Roberta Robinson, are self made millionaires. Plus their children Robbie, Robson and Robyn are all successful in their high powered careers.
This lot aren't short of a bob or two.