Joke that made I giggle

janner

MIA
Book Reviewer
I’ve just bought a Humpty Dumpty toy from Aldi.
It comes with Aldi Kings horses and Aldi Kings men

It's been 10 years now, since I split up with my first love.
I met her at the counter at Tesco's petrol station.
We were to be married, but she broke off the engagement after 6 months. I was devastated.
Every time I visit the place now, I can't help filling up.

Some idiots have stolen all the bus stop signs from down my street.
Honestly, where do these people get off?

How does the Vatican transfer money?
Papal

'Watson, I think that woman has gastroenteritis.'
'How on earth do you know that, Holmes?'
'Alimentary, my Dear Watson.'

I wish I’d read the holiday brochure more carefully.
Just spent two weeks on the Norfolk B-roads
 

janner

MIA
Book Reviewer
Cadbury's have just donated a giant chocolate bar to the Bank of England.
It's a massive Boost for the economy.

Some warnings are so stupid. Like on this deodorant: 'Avoid contact with eyes.'
Too late, I've already seen it.

Apparently in Maine there is Yak that can kill you for no particular reason.
It's known as a Homocidal Maine Yak

Scoff all you want, I enjoy unlimited buffets.

I broke into a chicken pox testing facility. I was soon spotted

I was in an Indian restaurant last night having a meal, when waiter came over and
says, 'Curry Ok?'
I said, 'Go on then but I’m only singing one song’
 

janner

MIA
Book Reviewer
Someone has just told me that I don't know how to shave properly...
Bloody cheek!

I hear the Lone Ranger has a new sidekick who comes from Canada.
He's called Toronto

If you're here for the yodelling lesson, please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.

The story of how I was attacked by a vampire was in the Sun, the Mail, and the Star.
But I didn't see anything in the Mirror.

I went to the zoo the other day and saw what I thought was a parrot playing solitaire.
I thought to myself.... toucan play at this game

I’ve been invited to a Garden Party at Buckingham Palace……..
Well, it’s actually a jumble sale.
At Crystal Palace.

Today is National Procrastination Day, so I'll be celebrating it...probably tomorrow, but maybe another day, then again maybe one day next week.
 

janner

MIA
Book Reviewer
A lot of conflict in the old Wild West could easily have been avoided if 19th century architects had made their towns big enough for more than one person!

My new apprentice doesn't understand the concept of a second coat of paint.
I said "Right, let's go over this again..."

I've started dating a girl who's doing a master's degree in literature. She asked me the other night what I thought about Poe.
I told her I was a big fan of his early work, but I must say my favourite is now Tinky Winky.

The inventor of the Morse code has sadly passed away.
Dashes to dashes dots to dots.

Did you hear about the typesetter who was christened in the wrong font?

I found a chippy that serves fish and chips on photocopier paper.
It's a little plaice on the A4.
 

janner

MIA
Book Reviewer
“Waiter! Waiter! This meat tastes like rubber!"
“Yes sir. It’s beef Wellington."

I've recently applied to join the 'leaning to one side society' - I'm on the list.

A swarm of bees has been causing problems in our local Sainsburys.
They must be after their nectar points.

Police hunting a gang of thieves who stole thousands of sets of dominos have admitted they have drawn a blank.

I used to really enjoy teaching apprentices how to fit the green fabric on snooker tables.
I just wanted to share how I felt.

I'm feeling a bit gutted, honestly thought my entry would win the giant butterfly competition.
I told everyone I would win.
Me and my big moth
 

janner

MIA
Book Reviewer
My first car was covered in wallpaper.
It was a William Morris Minor

My wife was disgusted when I wacked a big mouse with my shoe.
She's never taking me to Disneyland again.

My wife told me she's listening to every Beatles song in alphabetical order.
I think she might be up to Something.

Police are looking for a mugger who threatens his victims with a lit match.
They need to catch him before he strikes again.

I wish I had green fingers, everything I touch goes wrong - this morning my beans had done a runner.

I was surprised to see a policeman at the hairdressers.
I'd never had a brush with the law before.
 

janner

MIA
Book Reviewer
I went to the hospital today & I said: "I've been bitten by a wolf"
Doctor said: "Where?!”
I said: "No just an ordinary one".

I've recently bought a new voice activated car but it doesn't seem to be working properly.
I'm really upset, it goes without saying.

What do you call a werewolf, who doesn't know he's a werewolf?
Unawarewolf.

I went to a kleptomaniacs anonymous meeting last night but all the seats were taken.

We were so poor growing up we couldn't afford shoes, I had to wrap my feet in bubble wrap to pop to the shops.

The man who invented Musical Chairs died last week.
112 people turned up to his funeral, although there were only 111 seats.
 

janner

MIA
Book Reviewer
I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar.
Could be a Chinese Wispa ?

The Institute of unfinished research has concluded that 6 out of 10 people……………..

My friend was being chased by a group of taxidermists and made the mistake of playing dead.

So my neighbour's lad climbed into a plant pot and covered himself in soil.
His dad said: "I'm hoping he will grow out of it"

So I wanted to buy a home suitable for a musician so I bought A flat.

Robert and Roberta Robinson, are self made millionaires. Plus their children Robbie, Robson and Robyn are all successful in their high powered careers.
This lot aren't short of a bob or two.
 

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