Joke that made I giggle

janner

MIA
Book Reviewer
“What should we call this giant advertising board?”
PHIL: “A philboard”
BILL: “I have a better idea”

Tried to warn my mate of the dangers of Russian Roulette but it went straight in one ear and out the other

I've just been on a once in a lifetime holiday……never again.

Dracula was walking down the street when all of a sudden he was hit with picnic food and subsequently killed.
It was buffet the vampire slayer

5 ants moved in with another 5 ants... now they tenants.

Yorkshire man to vet: "I want thee to neuter me cat"
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I brought it wi' me".
 

janner

MIA
Book Reviewer
Man picks up Chinese girl at disco and takes her home. She says, "Me so horny, me do anythin for you !" he says " How about a 69?" she says "you [email protected]%k off, me no cookin duck with noodles at this time of night!"
 

janner

MIA
Book Reviewer
I read a survey that said 29% of pet owners let their pet sleep on the bed with them, so I thought I'd give it a go....but mine was dead in the morning.
I loved that goldfish too.

I think my new girlfriend is a ghost.
I had my suspicion the moment she walked through the door.

I’ve been a Singer Songwriter for many years.
It seems I can only write songs about sewing machines.

I caught the woman next door crying cos she'd run out of fabric conditioner.
I managed to offer her a small amount of comfort

I went for a job interview at a local restaurant dressed with a native American Indian headress carrying a tomahawk.
I didn’t get the job, apparently it wasn’t the type of Sioux chef they were looking for

My wife threatened to divorce me if I gave our daughter a silly name.
So I called her Bluff.
 

janner

MIA
Book Reviewer
I'm not happy because I have to work at the museum tonight moving suits of armour.
I hate knight shifts.

A group of road tarmacers disappeared last weekend, police sent out search parties but no joy.
Thankfully, they resurfaced this morning

The Man that tests Boomerangs has his Birthday today.
Wish him many Happy Returns

I’ve never been married but I’ve had a few near Mrs.

"Your call is very important to us...
Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo."

My yoga instructor found out I’m not advanced level, which put me in an uncomfortable position.
 

janner

MIA
Book Reviewer
My chances of success at weight watchers are becoming slimmer and slimmer.

Despite removing all the stains, I lost my job as a Church window cleaner.

I sent a package of food to my former boyfriend.
Fed ex.

Stayed at a hotel last weekend. It overlooked the sea.
It also overlooked good food, friendly service and clean rooms.

Bad news, the inventor of Chinese Whispers has died.
May he test tinned peas.

I’ve just invented a potion that turns people into cowards.
I’ve bottled it.
 

janner

MIA
Book Reviewer
If a plant is sad, do other plants photosympathise?

In the Old West,a lantern was often mounted on a horse for night time travel.
It was thought to be the first generation of 'Saddle Light Navigation.’

A pest control operative recently married a synchronised swimmer.
They are now known as Ratman and Bobbin.

I bumped into a Dalek in Devon. , I said , “Where are you from?”
He said, “EXETER MATE.”

Our local hardware store has teamed up with a herbalist.
I bought a Basil Brush.

“Thank you for calling for the basic kite flying advice, please hold the line ”
 

janner

MIA
Book Reviewer
Sad story but may help someone out in a similar predicament..
Our pet budgie, Gordon, broke both his legs yesterday morning when he fell off his perch; so, I carefully fixed them up using a couple of matches as splints. All was going well when I left him shuffling round the cage until, I noticed a strong smell of burning feathers and remembered that his cage was lined with sandpaper.
A lesson learnt - RIP Gordon.
Dead budgie for sale, but not going cheep..
 

Salty-Dog

War Hero
Sad story but may help someone out in a similar predicament..
Our pet budgie, Gordon, broke both his legs yesterday morning when he fell off his perch; so, I carefully fixed them up using a couple of matches as splints. All was going well when I left him shuffling round the cage until, I noticed a strong smell of burning feathers and remembered that his cage was lined with sandpaper.
A lesson learnt - RIP Gordon.
Dead budgie for sale, but not going cheep..
Beautiful plumage
 

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