Three teenage girls apply to be nuns at the local convent.
Mother Superior asks the 1st one, 'Have you ever had an experience with a man?'
'Yes,' she replies 'my cousin felt my breasts.'
Mother Superior says, 'Go into the chapel and wash the affected part in the font's holy water.'
Off she goes and Holy Mother asks the 2nd girl the same question. She replies, 'The next door neighbour felt my fanny.' 'Good Lord!' exclaims Mother Superior, you can also go to the font and wash the affected part in the holy water.
2nd girl goes to the chapel and sits in the font washing her fanny. 3rd girl walks in and says, 'I hope you haven't pissed in there, I've got to gargle!'
We played a football match against the local acne sufferers club.
We beat them on spot kicks
Never been so insulted , I asked the Shop assistant for something to cook Stir fry in.
He said “Take a Wok"
My wife asked me which of the two bottles of chilled wine I wanted.
I asked her what the options were.
"Rosé or Rose B"
Customer: I'm not happy with your face shield.
Shop assistant: Let me get my super visor .
I need some help. I got a leaflet through the door which said JUMBLE SALE. So far I've come up with Ales and Seal, does anyone know if Leas is a word?
The reason that ABBA never performed at music festivals is because Agnetha once got herself stuck in a toilet.
A Portaloo…….couldn’t escape if she wanted to.
I wonder if Jim Morrison's wife always referred to her husband as, ‘
I finished a 14-day diet today, in 3 hours and 22 minutes
My wife’s just thrown 5 cricket balls at me.
1 more and it’s over.
My GP suggested I start drinking probiotic drinks every morning.
Instead of helping, they turned me into a devil worshipper!
That's what happens when you dabble with the Yakult.
To the person who stole my selfie stick....you need to take a good long look at yourself.
My wife is leaving me for my obsession with Only Fools and Horses.
I’ll get the suitcase from the van
’ve just found a good ventriloquist web site.
Gubbleyou, gubbleyou, gubbleyou , got gom
I had a lovely meal earlier.
Starter of Badger Soup, followed by Main Course of Badger Burger and finished off with a slice of Badger Cake.
It was a set menu.
From tomorrow, Argos will be selling 30ft snooker tables for only £5. You need to get there early as the queues will be massive.
Our Team the Walking Footballers have won the League three years running.
This year’s Best-Dressed Man competition has seen an incredibly close finish.
In fact, it’s ended in a tie.
When preparing the catering for a Cockney funeral, NEVER use brown bread.
The AA & RAC are in consultations about merging.
Talks have already broken down
I asked my mate why he had a couple of pheasants hanging round his neck.
Apparently, his dentist said he’d got to wear a brace.
Met a French guy today whose face was covered in cat scratches.
His name was Claude.
I was on the motorway when, to my amazement, a procession of big, black hearses shot past me on the inside lane.
The inventor of Optrex died recently. I went to the funeral, not a dry eye in the house.
So I said to the girl at the Tesco checkout:
"Can you do this any cheaper love, it's got today's date on it?"
She said: "Look Mister, do you want the newspaper or not?"
In the spirit of Wimbledon fortnight I bought a punnet of strawberries and looked to the internet for best way to serve them. It suggested that I have the strawberries dusted with icing sugar, and pile cream on top. A word to the wise, pile cream is expensive and tastes disgusting
I bought four ducks yesterday and named them after the members of ABBA.
One of them was restless in the night, so I was up at the quack of Bjorn.
I bought a 12 year old whisky today
His parents weren't very happy
I’m writing a sequel to Watership Down in which all the rabbits settle down and get along with each other.
Calling it Warren Peace.
I’ve just bought a second hand car which gets me from A to B.
Unfortunately I live in Kew.
For anyone who's interested, I will be signing books in Waterstones Bookshop tomorrow morning from 9am until security throws me out.
I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that's where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.