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Joke that made I giggle

Woman shopping in Asda notices a cute young assistant,he has such a nice arse it makes her randy.So she asks him to carry her shopping to her car,on the way she cannot hold back any more and says to him "I"ve got an itchy pussy".He says "You"ll have to point it out love,all these ******* Japanese cars look the same to me!!"
 
TEACHER: What's wrong?
Bobby : Our house is very small.
Bobby: My mum,my dad, we sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, Bobby r u sleeping?' Then I say No & then he slaps my face & gives me a Black eye"
Teacher: Tonight when ur dad asks again, keep dead quiet. don't answer. The following morning Bobby comes back with a severe black eye again.
Teacher: My goodness why the black eye again?
Bobby: Dad asked me again, Bobby are you sleeping? I shut up and kept dead still. Then my dad and my mom started moving, u know, at the same time Mum was breathing like a Christmas turkey, kicking her legs up frantically and squealing like a hyena on the bed. Then my dad asked my mum, R u coming? Mum said, Yes I'm coming, r u coming too? Dad answered:- Yes. They don't usually go anywhere without me so I said, wait for me, I'm coming too ..
 
Just been up to the loft to put the tree and decorations away for another year when i found a present i forgot to give the grandkids last Christmas...Gutted.

They would've loved that puppy.
 
Weight Loss Plan
A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me."
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.
This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,"If I catch you, you are mine!!!"
He lost 63 pounds that week.
 

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