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Joke that made I giggle

Went to doctors yesterday told him I had a heredatory problem and that I had dhiorea. He said that's not heredatory.


I said well it's in my jeans
 
Is Sex Work?

A Navy captain was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the captain decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before
and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
He posed the question of just how much of sex was
"work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"
A commander chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.
A lieutenant said it was 50-50%.
A midshipman responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the captain turned to the able seaman who was in charge of making the coffee.
What was HIS opinion?
Without any hesitation, young seaman Smith responded,
"Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The captain was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved,
the officers would have me doing it for them."
The room fell silent.
 
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1 : 00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a blanket? I'm awfully cold'."
"I have a better idea," she replied, "Just for tonight let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed..
"Good," she replied. "Get your own f...ing blanket."
After a moment of silence, he farted.
 
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1 : 00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a blanket? I'm awfully cold'."
"I have a better idea," she replied, "Just for tonight let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed..
"Good," she replied. "Get your own f...ing blanket."
After a moment of silence, he farted.

A variation on the original story, where the woman asks for the blanket. He then proposes the marriage pretence, and after swift acceptance he says: "Then get your own bloody blanket.'

I like the variation!
 
Nicked this from f/b.
..................................

I was clearing out the Loft and found a 1975 Christmas edition of the TV Times or as we call it nowadays the Sex Offenders Register
 
An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up....
Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" She calls their father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing. The two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper. DO YOU HEAR ME?” She hangs up the phone.
The old man turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they’re both coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares...
 
The other day I saw a magic beanstalk, so I decided to climb it.
As I went up, I saw the ugliest woman you've ever seen naked on a leaf.
She said, "Come have sex with me, or climb higher to success."
Without thinking, I carried on climbing. The next woman I saw wasn't bad. I mean, you would do her, but you wouldn't brag about it.
She too beckoned to me saying, "Come have sex with me, or climb higher to success."
So again, I carried on climbing. The next woman I saw was beautiful, I mean, really really hot.
She said, "Come have sex with me, or climb higher to success."
I could only think of what the next woman would be like, so carried on climbing, and was shocked to see an old man stood on a leaf naked.
I was so outraged, I said, "Who the **** are you?"
He replied, "I'm Cess."
 

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