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Which leads on to the one about the bloke who storms into the GP office, strides straight up to him and punches him in the face, knocking him off his chair. The astonished GP gets up, rubbing his nose and exclaims "What the hell was that for?".
"That's for saying my missus has a lovely fanny, you pevert!"
The GP stares at him for a second, and then it clicks.
"That's right, sex pest"
"I didn't say that, Mr. Thompson. I said she had acute angina."
In 1969, Michael Caine & Terence Stamp were close flat mates, and lived in a 3 bed 3 bathroom Penthouse apartment in Berkley Sq, near to Green Park, London W1. During the summer of 69, they had this big show biz party, The Stones, The Beatles, Eric Clapton, Jimi Hendrix and The Doors were all there to name a few.
Jim Morrison comes up to M. Caine and say’s "it a great party but there not enough girls". Micheal says "There two gorgeous models have just turned up" Jim Morrison ask's', "do you think they will give me a Blow Job”? Michael replies "I think they give the whole band a Blow Job” For the next hour, The Doors and the models all disappear into one of the bedrooms.
When the models come out from the bed room, Ringo Star goes up to them both and says, "I see you had some fun with the Doors, "I don't suppose you both fancy giving me a Blow Job”? and they both replied, "It will be an Honour” and they all disappear into one of the bath rooms.
Five minutes later, Michael Caine storms into the bathroom and shouts out, while whacking the girls around the head, "YOUR ONLY SUPPOSED TO BLOW THE BLOODY DOORS OFF
Old but the thought of this makes my day and makes me laugh
An elderly man rear-ended a guy driving an expensive European sports car. Enraged, the guy hops out and confronts the old man. He yells,
"Look what you did to my car! You're going to give me $10,000 right now or I'm going to beat you to a pulp!"
"Oh my…" the old man said nervously. "I don't have that kind of money. Let me call my son.” he said with hope. “He trains dolphins and he will know what to do."
"Dolphins!" the other driver huffed, while rolling his eyes.
The old man pulled out his phone, dialed his son, and just as his son answered, the irate man snatched the phone away from the old man.
"So, YOU'RE a dolphin trainer, huh?” The irate man yelled, “Well, your old man here just rear-ended my car and I need TEN GRAND right now, or I'm going to beat you AND your old man to a pulp!"
"I'll be there in 10 minutes." says the voice calmly on the other end.
Exactly 10 minutes later, a Jeep pulls up and a guy hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a heap on the side of the road. When he finished, he walked over to his father and said,
"For the last time dad, I train Seals… Navy Seals. NOT dolphins!”
My daughter will be spending most of the christmas holidays serving food and drink to the homeless , drug users , tramps and mentally ill - in the new year though she's looking to move on from her job at Wetherspoons