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Job Vacancy :
Must type 70 words a minute.
Must be computer literate.
Must be bilingual.
An equal opportunity employer.
A dog was ambling down the street and saw the sign. He looked at it for a moment, pulled it down with his mouth, and walked into the manager's office, making it clear he wished to apply for the job.
The office manager laughed and said, "I can't hire a dog for this job."
The dog pointed to the line: "An equal opportunity employer."
So the manager said, "OK, take this letter and type it." The dog went off to the word processor and returned a minute later with the finished letter, perfectly formatted.
The manager said, "Alright, here's a problem. Write a computer program for it and run it."
Fifteen minutes later, the dog came back with the correct answer.
The manager still wasn't convinced. "I still can't hire you for this position. You've got to be bilingual."
The dog looked up at the manager and said, "Meow."
couple had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and, in trying to sort out their affairs, the man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling £80,000. He asked her about the contents.
"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
"Honey," he said "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh, that?" she said......
"That's the money I made from selling the dolls."
My neighbour and I are have a race to hang out the washing, so far its level pegging, my neighbour must be using Lenor, because its too close to comfort
How come they get sugar daddies and we get cougars? Well to be honest all offers welcome preferably those borne female and still associating as female. Don't think I have enough dosh to be a sugar daddy.
Paddy won a fishing boat in a raffle and tows it home.
His wife looks at him and says, "What in the name o' Lord Jasus are you gonna do with that Paddy? We lives on a farm. There's not a bit of water within 75 miles of here."
Paddy says, "Don't care. I won 'er and I'm gonna keep 'er."...
Several days later Mick comes over to visit. He looks out in the field behind the house and sees Paddy sitting in the fishing boat in the middle of the field with a fishing rod in his hand.
He stands at the edge of the field and yells out to him, "What the feck are you doin'?"
Paddy calls back, "I'm fishin'. What the feck does it look like I'ma doin'?"
Mick yells back, "Lord thunderin' Jasus, it's people like you that gives Us Irish a bad name, making everyone think we're stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick you in the feckin arse"